AIBU to think I cannot do much more about my adult daughter's weight?

[Forthelovagod]

Adult dd 20. Lives at home. Her boyfriend also lives with us. She has an implant for contraception and since that was put in and since being with her bf she has piled on weight to the point im worried about her health. She's probably got a bmi of around 30 but won't weigh herself.

She's incredibly touchy over this. They eat too many take aways, sweets, fizzy juice etc which they buy themselves. Yesterday i mentioned the juice etc... She tells me most of her friends snort coke on a weekend, i should cut her some slack. But obesity has massive health implications.

I feel even gently encouraging exercise or mentioning eating well and she's triggered. She has previously self harmed and been very low (pre bf) mh services were not helpful/accessible

Other than set good example, rest of family healthy weights, eat well, play sports etc What can i do? I feel like im watching her health deteriorate infront of my eyes.

Aibu to think i can't do much else.

Do you think she doesn't know she's overweight? Of course she does. You need to let her work this one out for herself, she's a fully grown adult.

Us fatties generally already know we’re overweight!! And having people comment on it isn’t helpful however well meaning!

Every time you hint/gently bring up/suggest/advise you are making things worse. Tough as it is you need to back off.

Obesity does have massive health implications but they are long term. She has time to sort it out.

It's massively inappropriate of you to EVER comment on her weight. I actually can't believe you think this is okay.

I could be you op. Been watching my DD go up a size a year for the last 4 years and feel helpless. As the other replies confirm, it seems there is nothing we can do to help 😟

I disagree. I was a fat teenager/young woman and if my mum had sat me down and said “look you need to do something about this because it WILL affect your health and happiness, how can I help you?”, it would’ve helped me get a grip and feel I was supported to make changes then I didn’t feel were within my power.

But we’re all different.

Yeah, every time you criticise her, what she eats, drinks, whether she should exercise etc you will be making the whole thing worse. As someone who was obese from childhood onwards pretty much nothing that anyone else says will actually help and most of it is more damaging.

I’d concentrate on having a good relationship with her and focussing on her overall self esteem and happiness.

We're in a similar situation with my brother and BIL. Very sensitive subject. I've found we avoid discussions around food/diet now, but when he talks about signing up for a run or starting a new exercise class I'm enthusiastic and say I'll go with him.

I think that this approach is a good one. But only the once.

I have tried that approach a few times with my DD. She states that she would like to lose weight but wants to do it on her own. I don't say anything any more but I don't can't help worrying

I think relentless positivity is the answer here, not saying anything that could be perceived as criticism. Play music in the mornings, ask your DD to come and do activities with you where you get lots of exercise but exercise isn't the point (museums, galleries etc.), ask them both if they'd mind cooking for the family occasionally and generally try to help your DD weave exercise into her daily routine.

Personally I've found that the times when I've been healthiest and lost weight haven't been when I've been consciously making a huge effort, but just when my stress levels have been low, I've had lots of interesting things to do to keep my dopamine levels up and exercise has naturally been part of my daily routine (walking to work, for instance). Maybe this might be an easier discussion to have (around healthy and happy routines, rather than losing weight per se)? For example, if she and BF are inside a lot sitting around doing nothing, then that's quite boring, it's tempting to reach for the snacks and they're probably going to put on more weight than if they get outside doing stuff. So the easier discussion is around what would you like to do this weekend, can we give you a lift somewhere fun or treat you to a day out?

You can’t make someone want to lose weight before they are ready to do it. She has eyes and a brain, she knows she’s overweight. That’s not new information for her. She has to be in the right frame of mind to want to tackle it herself. Keeping mentioning it will drive her away and she will stop wanting to be around you. Wait until she reaches the point where she is ready to do something about it and then you can offer help.

It's difficult.

And I say this as a woman who hit 18stone and am now 9st.

My 20yo son is overweight. He is depressed and food is his comfort.

I have never mentioned his weight but have asked him a few times if he would like to join the gym with me.

I don't want him to live through the cycle of weight worries that I spent 2 decades doing.

I have the same issue with my 20 year old ds. He has put on so much weight over the last few years and eats so much crap. I don't care what he looks like but I am so very concerned about his health. He was experiencing stomach pains last year and the GP did some standard blood tests and his liver tests came back very elevated, a scan revealed he has a fatty liver yet he has chosen to do nothing about it, bury his head in the sand and carry on eating terribly.

It's no use me saying anything to him about his weight but I worry all the time about his future health.

I don't know the answer is but I feel for you. It's concerning, isn't it?

I think you can say, look I’m really concerned about your health, is there anything I can do to help ect….. just like you would if they were doing anything else damaging to their health.

But once you’ve said it, you need to lay off and not make unhelpful comments all of the time which won’t make a difference.

I am incredibly gentle with her. I actually feel i walk on egg shells around her.
I never directly mention her weight, just that I want her to be healthy and feel good.

I just find it hard to watch her get bigger, less able to do anything active etc. Even on holiday she got hot and tired and miserable when we walked anywhere for more than 20 minutes. Ultimately i dont care if shes big, i just want her to be healthy/happy.

I do however realise she's an adult and she's the only one who can do anything about it. I appreciate the replies, I'll not say anything more to her. Last thing i want to do is make her feel bad.

There's this thing called choice and its up to your daughter to make hers. Id stay out of it, shes an adult afterall.

Please please please do not say anything! Nothing would send me straight to the cookie jar faster than my (slim) mother commenting on my weight or eating - no matter how ‘subtle’ she thought she was being!
As she lives in your house, and if you do some/all of the cooking, just do nutrient dense high volume meals that will make her feel full without adding extra calories. Then leave it.
@THisbackwithavengeanceit seems she’s already had that conversation. Really in this day and age you think people of normal intelligence and education are not completely aware of how to eat healthy and how being overweight affects you? Really? Saying it, hearing it, will not help. The desire to change comes from within. The discipline comes from within.
OP You are her mother and should love her unconditionally, which I’m sure you do. But the ‘I’m only concerned about your health’ will not be what she hears. She will hear ‘You’re less valuable and loveable because you’re fat’. My mother once commented tellingly about her sister, who was around a couple stone overweight. She once said ‘how could she let herself get that way’? As if it was a moral failing. Now this woman was on the taller side and at most a 14-16. I’ll never forget hearing that - I was easily bigger so realised she must think the same thing EVERY time she looks at me.

Hi OP I am the adult child in your scenario. I am 5 foot 8 and have gone between a size 12 and a large size 16 (currently 15 stone) throughout my adult life. When I am larger (size 16), my parents / particularly dad will go on and on and on about diabetes, his weight, how we need to look after our health, etc etc. On christmas day if I am hosting they will tell me before they come that they 'only want a small plate of food' for lunch. I came to rely on food when I was young partly because of neglect and the scarcity / eat everything on your plate mentality in the 1980s. I relied on food for comfort because my mum was never around. The complex relationship between food and mental health is really the cause of obesity, I would say, that and the availability of processed foods. Food has always been a comfort to me and a reward. My parents commenting about my weight has been one of many factors that has meant I have lost so much respect for them. Your daughter knows she is overweight. Help her to feel loved and supported that is all you can do and that will help to preserve your relationship in the long term.

Unfortunately, the wisest course of action, is inaction: you have to let your daughter figure out for herself when, what, if anything, she wants to do about her weight gain.

@Forthelovagod I know exactly how you feel.

Right she’s 20. What’s the plan? Is she working? A student? If she’s affording lots of take aways and junk food she’s wasting money somewhere. I’d focus on trying to motivate her more generally in life rather than just concentrating on her weight. It’s probably a symptom of something else. She should either be paying you rent or saving for her own place unless she’s a student. That doesn’t mean kicking her out or even moving her on soon but she needs to have something to aim for.

Seriously? I’d have no problem mentioning it. My adult son gained weight. He looked terrible. I told him. Someone needed to.

Could you offer to pay for weight loss jabs for her? I know it would be really difficult to offer that sensitively though. Its very tricky as shes still young and lives at home so you feel responsible for her but she's also an adult. You sound like a lovely mum

This. If she was emaciated you wouldn't ignore it. Being fas is equally damaging to her health. But somehow far more acceptable. It isn't about what she looks like, it's her health.

She is only 20. She is your daughter and you still have those intense mum feelings of wanting to help her. I suspect there is little you can do other than have healthy stuff at home.
I would feel the same as you, just desperate for my daughter to be healthy and happy. This isn’t a random stranger with weight issues, it’s your own child and it must be awful to watch it happen in front of your eyes.