Do you mind if I.....

[Itsjustmethatsall]

Bit of background - DP and I have been together 17 years now. We don't live together, just very close by. He has a motorbike, a very big and shiny one, that is his pride and joy. I thoroughly understand his wanting to get out on it in good weather, it's his relief from any stress. He works full time, and I've just retired.
In the summer, he sometimes goes out on his bike to various meets for a couple of hours after work. My AIBU is, he'll simply text and tell me he's going out on his bike. He won't have eaten when he gets back, he just assumes I'll have cooked, or we'll get a takeaway.
Now, I would rather, instead of simply telling me he's off out, he just text and said 'would you mind if I pop out on the bike for a couple of hours?' seeing as I'm the one waiting for him to get back to have dinner, etc.
Instead, I simply get told, without so much as a by your leave. I just think it's more considerate, seeing as I might have started to prepare dinner, or whatever.
I must say I think only once have I ever said no, I'd rather be didn't, because there was something important to do.
He simply refuses to say it, and I think it's just irritating. I hate being told. He doesn't have to ask - that's not the point. It feels as if he doesn't give a shit, he'll do what he wants. I've asked him, but he simply ignores what I've said like earlier 'might go out on the bike later'
Is it too much to ask for him to just check in what's happening first?

I don't know if I fully understand the situation you have... does he come to your house everyday for his tea?

Why are you always cooking for him while he has me time? Stop that now! Go and do something for yourself and eat earlier, then just shrug when he assumes you are going to feed him.

Bike thing is fine but like fuck would I be skivvying/waiting for him when he finishes riding around.

You don’t live together so if he is out on his bike he can sort his own dinner at his own place and you can please yourself .

Thanks all for your comments.
Did a big reply, then went and somehow deleted it 🙄
You've given me food for thought. I must clarify though, he does NOT have to ask my permission to go out. Just that I'm not keen on him just telling me, obviously without a thought in his head as to whether I might like us to do something together.
It's late, I'm off to bed. Thank you all 😊

YABU. Kindly, you have a lot more time on your hands than he does. Maybe it’s time to centre it around him a bit less.

my dc still lives at home. My one, inflexible rule is that I am advised at an appropriate time whether they are home for dinner or not. Anything else is rudeness beyond my tolerance.

TBF to DC, they do a reasonable job.

Also, it’s been a long time observation of mine that men do not normally put themselves out for someone else if they are not put out. You have yet to make him so uncomfortable that pleasing you is the easier path. Sadly.

If he is not telling you he is asking.

The reason why you are not living together after 17 years, and distance is not an issue is a key aspect to your relationship that impacts on whether indeed, he should be asking you if it's ok.

I agree with everyone else that if he says he’s going out on his bike your response should be ‘ok, have fun, see you tomorrow’ and not for you to be waiting around to provide his tea for him.
However, I think what is bothering you is that going out on his bike is his default relaxation option and you’d like to be considered as at least an equal option.

Going out on bike is possibly weather dependant

Most people go somewhere for a ride, stop for a break, tea, coffee, can, food, chat, view & home

There must be plenty of options for him to get food while he is out.

I would suggest that you find some local groups to join, courses to do, be more unavailable

I would just reply "see you later, but I'll let you sort out your own dinner as I'll have l ready eaten" or something like that. He can tell you he is off out on his bike and you can tell him you won't be cooking for him when he gets back.

If you haven’t already made plans he doesn’t even really need to tell you, if you want to meet up you need to make those plans first - you sound a bit passive tbh, rather than assuming you’re seeing him just make plans for certain days.

I don't see how this is a big issue personally.

Is it because you're retired and are now centering your life around him and waiting for him? Firstly I'd definitely be doing more things for me and what I want out of life.

If my sunny evenings were dictated by tea and what time I have to eat, it would annoy me very quickly. We don't get sunny evenings year round so I'd like to make the most of the nice weather and not have to revolve around mealtimes. It would also get irritating if I lived alone and couldn't do things spur of the moment and had to ask permission, just because of food.

Imagine your friends inviting you out and you had to ask permission to go from someone you don't live with.

It's a bonus that you don't live together. If he's busy, brilliant - cook for one and see him another night. I imagine that should be the beauty of living apart, you can do your own things when you want to without having to consider somebody else.

He seems to have mistaken you for a restaurant. He can do what he likes tbh, but he can't expect you to hang around waiting for him.

You dont need to cook for him but he doesn't need your permission to do what he wants juat get on with you own life

I think if you haven't made any plans specifically, then it's okay not to tel you. But I'm guessing the defaul tis you spend most evenings together at your place? And therein lies the problem in my mind. If he decides he wants to go out, that's fine. But you don't live together. so to my mind, if he is out with friends on his bike after work, that's an evening where you're not together and he then goes back to his own place while you get on with your own evening.

And if the default is that you plan, shop, and prepare dinner Mon-Thursday or whatever, then either that default must stop he he needs to respect that that's the basic plan and no , it's not okay to simply change plans at the last minute.

YABU here I think. Even your wording ‘Do you mind if…?’ is a question. He doesn’t have to ask you ‘if you mind’. He’s simply telling you what he’s doing as a courtesy.

The other aspect…cooking…is where he’s taking the piss. Just reply when he tells you what he’s doing, with a short, “Thanks for letting me know…I’ll make my own dinner arrangements, so make sure you feed yourself whilst you’re out, or even better, go home to sort yourself out and I’ll see you tomorrow 👌🏻’

Stop stewing over it and just crack on with your own life…maybe even go out yourself at these times!