AIBU to think adopted children need a mother figure?

[Bertiebiscuit]

Men should not be allowed to adopt children. All children need a mother.

I agree.

You do realise mothers can be shit…..right? Some people just shouldn’t be parents, regardless of their sex.

My mother was shit, so the bar should be a bit higher than just what sex the adopters are.

There's already a thread on this on the first page

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5543578-aibu-men-should-not-be-allowed-to-adopt-or-foster-children-unless-theyre-with-a-woman-safeguarding-first

Even though women kill children too?

That's like saying that if a father is widowed he should rush out and remarry the first woman he sees so that the child has a mother figure. All a child needs is love whether that's from a mum and dad, two mums, two dads or a single parent

This is SO unfashionable but I really think there’s a very good case for adoption by married, heterosexual couples only.

Adoption is for the benefit of the child. Not the potential parents.

All children need is a loving parent.

By that reasoning all children also need a father so no single adopters should be permitted. In an ideal world every child would have a mum and a dad and both would be actively involved and playing a meaningful role in their child’s life.

sadly there are some very devious deceitful and disturbing people in this world who will exploit and abuse children. It is unthinkable and evil beyond belief.

would the need for a mum extend to birth of parents too- so if mum dies or cannot safely care for the child a child cannot stay with their dad unless there’s a woman present?

They often do !

I agree. I also think mothers are usually a protective factor for children (of course there are exceptions). I've found that most people who say it doesn't matter what sex parents are, have their own mother who they wouldn't want to be without. Yet think it's fine for other children.

This is obviously a reaction to the Preston Davey case

I think one issue seems to be that a proportion of men don't manage to have paternal instincts for a child that isn't biologically there's.

Not always obviously and it also applies to some women. However, a male living in the same household as a child that they don't feel connected to or have the normal sense of parental protection for can be dangerous for that child. In this case there were 2 dangerous men and 1 extremely vulnerable baby.

I don't know what the answer is.

yeah let's face it, most of them wouldn't be up for adoption if their mother wasn't so shit at being a mother! Surely someone who loves and takes care of them is better than a bad mother?

I think all children need both a mother and a father and I think the decline in the nuclear family is to blame for an awful lot of the issues we face these days.

I completely agree.

If the mother sadly dies, of course a child shouldn’t be removed from the care of the father who’s built a bond over time, but placing children in homes with no mother figure from the outset is wrong and dangerous IMO.

Yes, yes NAMALT 🙄 and women can be abusers too, but it’s mostly men and almost always men in sexual abuse cases.

But here we are again sacrificing children’s wellbeing on the altar of political correctness.

This.

Surely in this day and age of contraception and other choices, there aren't many new born or young babies available for adoption? I know a few adoptees and they wanted a new born, but then went on to adopt toddler siblings as the wait would've been forever, if never.

So, with that in mind, with are so many married couples including a mum and dad not given the chance? Why are they giving such young babies to a same sex male couple? Were they the most suitable candidates for this child, or did someone decide that some diversity quota needed bumping up? The foster parents apparently raised concerns about these 2 men as they didn't attend essential meetings about the child. So, who is the person(s) who overlooked the concerns of the foster parents to steam ahead with the adoption by these 2 men, and what was their reason?

Lots of guilty people here, not just the evil murderer and his partner.

Hmmmm. It’s a hard one. I have a (adult) son that I believe, independently and without a female partner, would honestly make a wonderful parent. Attentive, nurturing, protective, ability to ask for help with situations if required, and would always put a child first and give them the absolute best, I honestly don’t think you could get better (they are heterosexual if relevant). Hand on heart, I can say they would not abuse a child in any way. I could not currently say the same for my other (adult) sons, except abuse, I don’t feel this would occur but I do think they would currently get frustrated with a lot of typical child behaviour. I also could not currently say the same for my (adult) daughter, with the same caveat, I don’t believe she would abuse but feel she would fall short re frustration with typical behaviour. I would hope that in time they will elevate to their male siblings current ‘ability’ but who knows, time will tell.

So, I guess in short, this really complicates the matter for me.

Yeah, because nuclear families did such a bang-up job in the past.

I really don't think that the appalling death of one child should be weaponised for some tonedeaf Back to Family Values campaign.

Star Hobson, Victoria Climbié, Arthur Labinjo-Hughes, Sara Sharif - all examples that come to mind of children who were not protected by having a mother or female figure in the house with them.

Yabu.
Sadly, there have been plenty of awful news stories in the news of babies and children who had mothers but were not protected.
Also, I don’t love the implication that it’s solely women’s jobs to protect babies and children from predators.

Are you coming back to continue the discussion you have started, OP?

I think it isn't straight forward.

Some children may be very attached to their birth mother, and be considered unable to become attached to another female mother figure.

In contrast some may be traumatised by previous experience with a female care giver so considered unlikely to attach to another female carer.

I do wonder about this.

Not that I think gay couples are unsuitable parents. But whether they were bumped up because they were gay rather than because they were the most suitable couple looking to adopt at the time. Whether cool tickbox values overrode serious evaluation. There must have been scores of more suitable couples desperate to adopt a young baby.

Err Star Hobson was killed by her mother's girlfriend.