AIBU to think adopted children need a mother figure?

[Bertiebiscuit]

Men should not be allowed to adopt children. All children need a mother.

In an ideal situation it's good to have two loving parents but life doesn't always work out that way. My brother is on his own with four young children and is doing a great job.

I agree whole heartedly.
The lesson that needs learning in this and every other case is to spend money.
Having a social worker decide if you should adopt (and a panel at the end) is actually poor. You should be given a psychological evaluation by a psychiatrist. You should have to discuss things that make you deeply uncomfortable, not just feel a little bit intrusive.
The issue is that the children we need homes for are often the most vulnerable and from the poorest in society (hence why the Constance Marten case was so bizarre) and we don’t spent money getting birth parents out of cycles of addiction or DV and the same kids from same crappy situations get put into care. Lesson that needs learning is to put more money into these kids, before they’re even conceived. And to have social workers work alongside psychologists. So much more should be done, but no, let’s blame a community that has pretty much given more love and care to these kids than any other could dream of.

My mother was a bloody nightmare so I beg to differ.

Quite the opposite for me. My mother was was terrible in hideous ways. A loving parent is what is needed. I don’t think the sex matters. I would have been happy just to have a loving parent and a safe place.

edited spelling typo

It must be painful and exhausting to be so prejudiced against men.

DD8 has a classmate who was adopted by a married gay (male) couple. DD6 also has a classmate who is being raised by one single man. We assume he's the biological father but don't actually know for certain; either way there is no mother or even any grandparents in the picture (they are from overseas and seek a great deal of privacy outside school, are not even on the class WhatsApp etc).

I volunteer with both classes and I can tell you that both children are absolutely thriving. They must have amazing role models at home because they are brilliant children to be around: funny, confident, kind, caring, secure and happy. The parents are all confidence-inspiring too, the kind who reaffirm my belief in parenting in 2026. I know the gay couple really well and they are people I'd more than happily trust my own children with.

The classmates who are already well on the road to chaotic destruction are all in two parent nuclear families or, in one case, a single mother who I would never let my children anywhere near.

Why?

And the children not adopted by the heterosexual couple, what should happen to them? I’m speaking as someone who spent a period of time in care as a child, and as an adoptive mother. Every child deserves the chance to have a loving home. Ideally, this will be with their biological family. If that’s not possible, then one loving adoptive parent of either sex is better than a life time in care.

It’s human trafficking basically.

And actually breeding human beings to order in order to sell them.

Your comment is exactly what is wrong with people's understanding of adoption.

Ideally, every child should have a mother and father, as nature intended. The whole point of adoption is to give a child parents, it does not exist to provide a family for childless people. Personally I think that adoption should be as close to the ideal as possible. Yes some men/women/people in general are shit, that doesn't change that fact that men are more violent and more likely to be abusers.

Actually a mother figure is the last thing some adopted children need. Some because they've suffered such abuse at the hands of their mother that they have a huge mistrust of women, others because they are very attached to their birth mothers that they view forming a mother-type bond with another woman as a betrayal.

I personally know a girl who (along with her foster brothers) was horrifically abused physically and sexually for years by her foster mother. She didn't escape the abuse until she was an adult. It's not just men. I accept the rate of abuse is higher in men, but having a female in the house is not a guarantee of safety. Some women abuse, some women turn the other way while their partners abuse.

The situation that has happened is beyond awful, but it shouldn't stop good men adopting. And the majority of men are good. Lessons need to be learned from what has happened, mostly the screening and follow up of the adoption. But a blanket ban on men adopting would be an unfair knee jerk reaction.

I agree that all a child needs is a loving parent.

My mother was also bad. Called us fat and ugly all the time. Being a wo an doesn't make you caring

So, with that in mind, with are so many married couples including a mum and dad not given the chance?

That sounds like an awful state of affairs with straight couples not given a chance to adopt. How many is 'so many' though?

And what about kids whose Mother is dead? Or fecked off and left them with dad?

Should they be placed with a foster family or put up for a forced adoption with a mixed sex or lesbian family?

Do Grandmas's not count?!

Absolutely ridiculous.

Well gay couples have been adopting for twenty years so I assume you can point to some research that suggests that their kids have worse outcomes than those raised by straight adopters?

Right?

Are you saying that children won’t be abused by heterosexual couples? Surely you’re not that blinkered?

Exactly this.

Lots of women are terrible Mothers who scar their kids for life.

The stats seem to show that children do better in adoptive families with only men than they do in foster care so...

Adoption should be for the benefit of the child. Nobody else.
If a potential mum and dad are available they should not be queue jumped by gay/black/disabled people simply for box ticking purposes.
Ultimately nature decrees that a child needs a mum and a dad as that is what is needed to make the child.
I also think surrogacy should be stopped. There is no surrogacy ever which had the interests of the child put first. It’s simply people buying babies.
i used to be very pro single parents/gay adoption but now after this I’m really questioning if it should be paused while this is looked at.

Some people shouldn't be allowed to look after a simple pot plant let alone a kid.

I think that since 98% of sex crimes are committed by men it’s likely that a woman being in the household would be better for the child.

I think you’re wrong for saying every child needs a mother however every child needs female role models and influences in their lives just as every child needs male role models and influences.

I grew up without a mum and I’ve turned out perfectly fine and well rounded.

A child needs a loving and safe home and that comes in all different shapes and sizes.

How many children have you adopted?