to think my husband's shouting has gone too far?

[justsayyes1]

I'm sitting here in shock and feeling really upset tonight and would appreciate some outside perspective.
Things have been difficult between my husband and me for a long time. We have a child with complex needs and I have ended up carrying the vast majority of the responsibility for managing appointments, school issues, day-to-day care and the emotional fallout, alongside working. For years we didn’t see eye to eye with ASN and the associated adjustments we’ve made (essentially I’ve driven them and he has i think felt pushed aside, though I’d say he’s just not engaged in it all). He also has a history of losing his temper and really shouting about 2-3 times a year with seemingly no trigger, although recently that seemed to have improved. In fact, earlier today I found myself thinking that maybe, somehow, we might actually be okay in the end.
Then tonight happened.
Our son's duvet cover was wet, so I put it in the wash. As my husband sleeps in the spare room (I co-sleep with our daughter), I took his duvet and put it on our son's bed, leaving my husband with a sleeping bag and a smaller duvet for one night until the other one dries. It was a fast practical decision made after a busy day.
Later, while I was trying to settle our daughter to sleep (which was already difficult), my husband stormed into the room shouting about how dare I take his duvet. I explained why I'd done it, but he just carried on shouting.
At that point our son came in. He was home on time and asked if his friend could come in for a while. My husband immediately started shouting at him, swearing and telling him to get rid of his friend. My son questioned why, saying he wasn't due in bed yet and just wanted to hang out. My husband got right up in his face to the point where I genuinely worried it was going to become physical.
My son then said, "What about Mum? Doesn't she get a say?" and my husband shouted, "No, she doesn't."
His friend left, clearly uncomfortable. My son is now crying in his room and won't speak to me. My daughter is frightened and crying too.
The truth is that I'm exhausted. Between caring for our daughter, working, and trying to keep everything afloat, I feel like I'm on my last legs most of the time. People often say "just leave", but the practical and emotional reality of separation feels almost impossible when I'm already barely coping.
I also think I've made a lot of excuses for him over the years. Because so much of my focus has been on the children and their needs, our relationship has often come a distant second. I've told myself he's stressed, that things could be worse, that we're both under pressure. Lately I genuinely felt we had got to a better place, which is why tonight has come as such a shock.
Am I overreacting, or is this as bad as it feels tonight? I feel heartbroken for both children and honestly don't know what to think anymor

Don’t give advice like that! You’ll be accused of berating OP, giving a false narrative and supporting an aggressive OH!

What on earth are these replies? 😭

OP, YANBU.

Shame on those who are defending this emotionally abusive man and victim-blaming the son!

I presume your daughter has the complex needs, but I don't understand why she isn't in her own bed? Even children with needs should be supported to have some independence, and having their own bed is important. I'd suggest having help in from outside services to help establish this, if you're struggling.

Sleeping in separate beds is not going to help your marriage. Taking the duvet was probably the icing on the cake. It was probably a build up of you controlling everything and your husband not getting a say or choice in anything. It's ok to step back as a parent and to work on your marriage for a bit, otherwise you might find you won't get a choice in separation if your husband continues to feel at a loss.

Stop helicopter parenting because it's not helping anyone. Please don't see this as an attack or being shouted at - See it as an opinion from a different viewpoint.

Get outside help from social services for your kids and get yourself marriage counselling.

But that is not the case here at all. Op didn't give it a moment's thought to give her dh the crappy sleeping bag. If he was abusive and she was tip toeing round him all the time she would never have dared to do that.

She gave him a duvet and his sleeping bag - how is that not catering to his needs? He is a grown man.

@HarrietTryingyou have missed the point, OP should have met him at the door, explained the situation whilst grovelling, rushed to make him a whiskey and coke, promised tea would only be five minutes, spanked impetuous son AND his friend, sent disabled DD to a care home somewhere and then proceed to lie back and think of England.

Some of the answers here are absolutely wild.

If your DH didn't want to sleep in a sleeping bag or with the small duvet he could have simply said nah i don't want the sleeping bag tonight, i'm taking the big duvet and DS could have the sleeping bag. There was absolutely no reason to yell and scream the way he did.

As for screaming at your son - absolutely no reason for him to be yelling and getting in his face screaming and swearing.

your DH is abusive - get rid of him and give your children peace.

As for the people supporting the DH - stop supporting abusers.

You’ve clearly never lived with an abusive man.

Shouting is unreasonable.
Fuck secondguessing what makes a big grown shouter shout.
'Never have dared'?
When men are so unreasonable as to shout at a houseful of women and children, ANYTHING can bring on shouting. Thankfully OP is not yet so cowed as to...stop doing things.
In longterm committed relationships, there are many reasons couples may not share a bed for a while. Sleep apnea treatment, cluster breastfeeding, shift work patterns, night terrors after a traumatic event or return from military service, commuting times, neurodivergency. They LIVE TOGETHER and can cuddle and have sex as suits BOTH. No need to make an idol of The Marriage Bed.
Children should not be learning Defer to Shoutyman as a relationship model.

Absolutely. Why aren’t we ALL thinking of the menz. They should be able to have their little trips away, leave all the house and child work to the womenfolk and be pandered to when they get home after killing the yak having fun with their mates.

The yak deserved it.

LOL

Thank you for all the feedback. Some of the comments focused on whether my husband's needs are being met, so I wanted to add some context rather than drip-feed information.
Our daughter's needs are complex, and she requires an adult to sleep in the room with her. That responsibility falls to me because my husband does not wake if she needs help during the night. Because of that, sharing a bedroom together is simply not realistic at present.
I can absolutely understand why my husband may have felt frustrated or annoyed about the bedding situation. My concern is not that he was annoyed; it's how he responded. He came into the room while I was trying to settle our daughter, knowing bedtime can be very difficult for her, and raised his voice. That immediately dysregulated her and turned what should have been a straightforward bedtime into a two-and-a-half-hour ordeal.
He then started shouting at our son the moment he walked through the door. Our son was home on time for curfew and had brought a friend home, which is something both of us normally allow. From our son's perspective, the sudden rule change made no sense. He challenged it and asked why I didn't get a say in the decision. The argument escalated, both of them raised their voices, and our daughter became even more distressed hearing it downstairs.
What troubles me is not a single disagreement or someone losing their temper occasionally. It's the pattern. We already live with a great deal of uncertainty because of our daughter's health and care needs. I don't want to also live with the uncertainty of wondering whether an ordinary family situation is going to trigger another outburst.
I don't think shouting at your partner in front of the children, or shouting at a child who has done nothing wrong, is something children should grow up seeing as normal. My son, who is nearly 13 and rarely cries, ended up in tears afterwards.
Several people asked what my husband contributes. The answer is that when things are good, he contributes a lot. He is fun, engaging, and provides significant financial support. That's what makes this so difficult. But two or three times a year there are major outbursts that leave everyone upset, and he tends to minimise their impact. The pattern is usually silence for a few days, followed by an apology and a promise it won't happen again. Unfortunately, it does.

This lack of understanding of care giving and raising children is common amongst abusive men. Unfortunately it rarely surfaces until the children are born, so women are unable to foresee the emotional, and sometimes physical abuse that will invariably follow as these type of men see their children as at best an annoyance to their life, at worst competition. I have left my abusive ex but something similar happened in that my young child wet the bed the evening after moving into a new home - we have limited space as furniture was still being built. We all had to jiggle around so everyone would have somewhere dry to sleep - whilst it was comforting g my very young child sorting out their wet clothes, sorting out new bedding, sorting out how to manage everything, my ex husband stood with a look of disgust on his face. I knew in that moment that I was leaving him. He saw me and our children as things that either pleased him or did not and like the OP’s husband, there was no care or love or kindness. Those supporting these angry men should stop now.

I spent many years with an abusive man. As the police once pointed out to me, leave or you'll need to call us again.

OP, it sounds as if your husband has never really accepted your daughter's extra needs. He's completely disengaged himself, refused to help with care, appointments, school etc, leaving you to manage it all. He's grown resentful of your daughter's needs, the time you have to put into her care (because he refuses to help!) and the time it takes away from your marriage (him!).

He may very well feel pushed aside, but who's fault is that???! The OP, has no choice, if he's not going to step up and help, then who does that leave??? No one!!

He's resentful of the life he thought he would have, compared to what he has. No parent goes into pregnancy thinking they'll have a child with special needs, but sometimes that's the reality parents are faced with.

Your husband needs some counselling in my opinion, to work through his emotions. I'm doubtful he would agree to do any though.

You need a calm conversation with him about him seeking professional help. Without it, I can't see the situation improving and it could be better splitting up.

Why are you trying to explain everything?

He screamed and shouted because of a sleeping bag when he could quite as easily have said i dont want this tonight so lets change it.

STOP explaining... he's an abusive twat. No adult needs to behave the way he did. Who cares about his needs - he's an adult with children who need help - he needs to deal with it.

Which is why he needs therapy. Screaming in his child’s face was completely unacceptable. Having a child with a disability is hard work and I have been in a similar position.

...maybe he is on a forum somewhere discussing his needs.

What does the OP need?

I don’t think your son was rude or deliberately provoking his father at all. I think he is a decent lad who dislikes the way his father treats you. He’s grown up with these disgraceful mantrums and watching his mother being disrespected, and rather than follow his father’s example he is disgusted by it. Bravo!

The biggest problem here is a man with anger issues but I can see why the husband was so pissed off - there was no reason to give the son his father’s duvet rather than the sleeping bag and/or small duvet. Sometimes adult should be prioritised over children.
At this point DS was cheeky - suggested that his mum overrule his dad really pushing a button .

DH clearly feels overlooked and undermined and as a result cannot control his temper. You need couples/ family therapy with your son and DH needs anger management and to apologise to DH and explain how he feels .

Can you not read? The DD threw a drink on his bed.

yes, we have ongoing issues in our marriage, but I think a lot of that stems from the pressure of raising a child with complex additional needs. We have dealt with that pressure very differently. I've ended up taking the lead on the research, appointments, medical admin and day-to-day care, while my husband has coped in his own way. That's not intended as criticism, just the reality of our situation.
What has really tipped me over the edge this time is not the duvet itself. It has been an incredibly hard couple of weeks with very little sleep, and my husband chose to respond to a minor issue by shouting. He came into the room while I was trying to settle our daughter, which immediately upset and dysregulated her, turning bedtime into a much bigger ordeal.
What upset me even more was what happened with our son. He came home on time, brought a friend round as he often does with our permission, and was immediately met with shouting. He hadn't done anything wrong. For the first time, he stood up for himself and questioned why I didn't get a say. The argument escalated to the point that I came downstairs because I was genuinely concerned it might get worse.
I understand that my husband is frustrated by aspects of our life and marriage. The reality is that our circumstances are difficult, and many things aren't currently changeable. I feel stressed and overwhelmed much of the time too. The difference is that I don't take that out on the children.
I think that's what has become the line in the sand for me. Occasional disagreements are normal. Shouting at your partner in front of the children and then shouting at a child who has done nothing wrong is not something I want my children growing up thinking is normal. That's what has made me seriously question whether continuing to live together is the healthiest option for any of us.

'first post nails it' is one of the most obnoxious mumsnettisms especially when the first post does not, in fact, nail anything

It's his own sleeping bag and spare duvet. And is he not able to sort his own bedding if he doesn't like the solution she provided? Fuck me, the crazies are out on this thread!