to think my husband's shouting has gone too far?

[justsayyes1]

I'm sitting here in shock and feeling really upset tonight and would appreciate some outside perspective.
Things have been difficult between my husband and me for a long time. We have a child with complex needs and I have ended up carrying the vast majority of the responsibility for managing appointments, school issues, day-to-day care and the emotional fallout, alongside working. For years we didn’t see eye to eye with ASN and the associated adjustments we’ve made (essentially I’ve driven them and he has i think felt pushed aside, though I’d say he’s just not engaged in it all). He also has a history of losing his temper and really shouting about 2-3 times a year with seemingly no trigger, although recently that seemed to have improved. In fact, earlier today I found myself thinking that maybe, somehow, we might actually be okay in the end.
Then tonight happened.
Our son's duvet cover was wet, so I put it in the wash. As my husband sleeps in the spare room (I co-sleep with our daughter), I took his duvet and put it on our son's bed, leaving my husband with a sleeping bag and a smaller duvet for one night until the other one dries. It was a fast practical decision made after a busy day.
Later, while I was trying to settle our daughter to sleep (which was already difficult), my husband stormed into the room shouting about how dare I take his duvet. I explained why I'd done it, but he just carried on shouting.
At that point our son came in. He was home on time and asked if his friend could come in for a while. My husband immediately started shouting at him, swearing and telling him to get rid of his friend. My son questioned why, saying he wasn't due in bed yet and just wanted to hang out. My husband got right up in his face to the point where I genuinely worried it was going to become physical.
My son then said, "What about Mum? Doesn't she get a say?" and my husband shouted, "No, she doesn't."
His friend left, clearly uncomfortable. My son is now crying in his room and won't speak to me. My daughter is frightened and crying too.
The truth is that I'm exhausted. Between caring for our daughter, working, and trying to keep everything afloat, I feel like I'm on my last legs most of the time. People often say "just leave", but the practical and emotional reality of separation feels almost impossible when I'm already barely coping.
I also think I've made a lot of excuses for him over the years. Because so much of my focus has been on the children and their needs, our relationship has often come a distant second. I've told myself he's stressed, that things could be worse, that we're both under pressure. Lately I genuinely felt we had got to a better place, which is why tonight has come as such a shock.
Am I overreacting, or is this as bad as it feels tonight? I feel heartbroken for both children and honestly don't know what to think anymor

It does sound like an overreaction, being that mad over the duvet. Don't quite understand why you gave your husband the sleeping bag over the son though?
While he of course shouldn't yell or swear at your son, especially making it so awkward with his friend, your son was rude to argue back about bedtime and what about what Mum says- that would be undermining him if you then went and said yes after his Dad had said no.

I don’t get your point.

It was just all done in a rush with no thought at the end of a long day - my husband had his sleeping bag by the bed from his recent trip, and a smaller duvet with it he also takes so in the moment it just made sense to grab the double duvet and chuck it on DS bed and throw the sleeping bag and small duvet up on the spare bed for DH. It wasn’t any more thought out than that at the time. I don’t think DS was being cheeky, he was more totally taken aback that he walked in before his curfew and said is it ok if my friend comes in for a bit and DH started shouting and him, he was just asking what are you shouting for I’m home on time what’s the big deal? Both these felt like massive temper losses over….nothing really (but that’s my perspective which is why I want to get opinions here)

It's definitely disproportionate for him to be yelling about both things.
I'd wonder what else he's annoyed about that he's blowing up about a blanket.

I get why your son was confused at being shouted at, but if the parent says no guests I don't think it's reasonable for the child to argue back about why, or ask if they can ask the other parent. If my child asked for something, and I said no, they would be being disrespectful to then go and ask Dad and try and get a yes from him instead.

Im sorry I don’t mean to sound harsh but you gave no thought to how your husband would feel - you gave his duvet to your son and he had to make do with a sleeping bag and smaller quilt?
If your son is old enough to be out and come home with a friend then why was his duvet wet? Why didn’t you see the sleeping bag and think that would have to do your son as he’d made his duvet wet?
it does sound as though your husband has been pushed aside from your post - I’m not saying his reaction is right at all, but I suspect there’s more to this than just a husband being an arse for the sake of it.

it was literally an on the spot decision to give DS his sleeping and duvet that were lying right by that bed and grab his one to give to DS until I could swap them back tomorrow. In my head that made more sense than giving his sleeping bag to DS 🤷‍♀️DS duvet was wet as his sister had flung juice over it in a meltdown before bed so I needed to wash and dry it but that wouldn’t get done before bed
tonight. DS is usually allowed a friend back for half an hour so I think he was taken aback by walking in and being shouted at immediately when he asked permission to bring him in.

Yes but WHY didn’t you automatically think the sleeping bag and smaller quilt would do your son?????
That’s the point I’m trying to make and I’m wondering if that’s what’s going on here - your husband is pushed down the line - as I said he’s not expressing himself correctly and I’m not condoning his behavior, but surely it would’ve made more sense to give your son the sleeping bag??

Your husband is always last in your priority list.

That is really too much for him to continue living nicely with. His rage was not at all in order.
See the outburst as a call from a drowning person. Like you, the burden of the handicapped DD is not sustainable.

Change things.
Claim back a bedroom retreat for parents.
Look into hiring a carer so to have time to invest in adult outings.
Book your DD into foster care for a weekend every month, if you can etc.

We can all think we might have acted differently looking back. It doesn’t make sense to question why someone did or didn’t do something automatically. It’s in the nature of an automatic action that it’s not a considered action. Whatever the answer to your question, it won’t get us any further. OP didn’t give her son the sleeping bag and here we are.

You might as well ask why did her husband shout at the friend and why did he storm out rather than offer any practical help or look for some spare blankets or do one of any number of practical alternatives things that might have helped. What happened, happened.

Don’t most parents put their child’s needs over a grown adult? I’d always give my duvet to a child over myself in this situation. When he calms down i’d be explaining to him it was a natural instinct to think the parent would rather the child take the duvet in this situation. It’s also summer, and warm, so think dad would have been fine. I find his reaction pathetic to be honest, and couldn’t live someone like him.

Do you realise how costly those things are you suggested? My friend has applied for respite care, as she’s a single parent to a non verbal autistic child, still in nappies. She’s getting the bare minimum, so I doubt a couple who can give each other a break, would qualify for nothing. Yes, you can privately, but it’s very expensive.

I’m not criticizing the op - I’m trying to point out that maybe that’s what’s going on here.
it doesn’t excuse his behavior at all and yes, we do ultimately put our kids first, but there’s more to this than simply that.
A child with special needs, everything has to be regimented and the op sleeps with the daughter, maybe he’s not coping with the changes they’ve had to make, maybe the op has got so used to looking after their special needs child and making all the decisions that she’s forgotten they’re meant to be a partnership - it sounds to me as though they both have and that’s where all this could be stemming from.
And it’s quite normal for that to happen between parents of children with special needs, their relationship gets pushed aside.
As I said, I’m not apportioning blame on the op, just looking at it from both sides x

Are you in Scotland @justsayyes1?

There are organisations which offer respite, here and here to enable you all to have a breather, reset and re-connect.

FFS her husband was screaming unreasonably in her son's face and she was worried it was going to get physical. She shouldn't be worried about 'undermining' her husband - she should have had her son's back and protected him. Have demonstrated you don't just go along with something you don't agree with or think is wrong.

OP I have voted YABU because you're allowing the continual exposure of this behaviour to your children.

Well her son doesn't sound like he was interpreting it that way, or in any way fearful of his father, or he wouldn't have responded to him the way he did- if a child was afraid Dad was going to hit them they wouldn't stand there arguing. Sounds like the child thought that even though Dad said no, Mum could still say yes.

Was he unreasonable to be upset about the duvet? Probably not, but he should have spoken to you about it in a reasonable way without shouting.
Was he unreasonable to storm into a room shouting, get up close in anyone's face, swear at people, make your son's friend feel so unwelcome and awkward, and say you don't get a say? Absolutely. He is an emotionally abusive twat.

Some absolutely crazy responses on here OP. Why on earth pp are getting on your back for giving your son the duvet is beyond me.
Your H's behaviour was absolutely awful.
There is never any excuse for shouting the way he did.

Your situation sounds so difficult. No wonder you are exhausted. I think @Eideann suggestion of trying to get respite care is a good one.

"I've told myself he's stressed, that things could be worse, that we're both under pressure."

Pretty much what every abused woman says.

womensaid.org.uk

He needs to apologise to all of you. Or pull his weight. At the moment he is not sharing the burden of care, and is verbally abusive. What does he bring to the table? I think I would ask him to leave as you have enough on your plate without his abuse. You would most likely get more support and respite as a single parent and not be tiptoeing around his temper.

This is nonsense. I was a child with an unpredictably angry - and violent - father. Children have a strong sense of injustice, of course I argued back if I knew I'd not broken any of his rules. It takes relentlessly sustained abuse to reduce a child to the sort of silently cowering shadow you seem to imagine.

OP, growing up like that damaged all of us in adulthood.

I disagree. I think it will help OP to consider why she gave her son her husband's duvet rather than his sleeping bag. Of course, it won't help if she uses that self-reflection merely to beat up on herself, but if she treats as a signpost to a better understanding of how she has been treating her husband, progress may result.

I too have been on the receiving end of gestures that seemed too minor to make a fuss about, but which were in fact hugely symbolic of how the other person viewed my place in the scheme of things. We all need to feel loved and valued, even husbands.

Can’t believe people are making excuses for another useless angry man.

Unsure why a lot of posters are defending your nasty unhinged husband? Screaming at your son who had done nothing wrong because he, a grown man, couldn’t take the hit with a smaller duvet for a single night.

Your poor son who just wanted to hang out with a friend. Your husband is awful and I feel your pain of being trapped with an excuse of a man because leaving is swapping for an equally shit set of problems.

Personally, I'd probably have asked/told my husband about the duvet before I switched or left a note. If I forgot, though, I'd trust him to ask me about it and perhaps challenge me on the decision, maybe switch the bedding back, rather than to rant and rave in a threatening manner upsetting the whole household. It sounds like your son simply asked if his friend could stay and got screaming abuse for that in front of the friend, so it wasn't a case of dad's reacting to son talking back or challenging his decision. But even if it had been, I don't think that making an unholy ruckus is an acceptable way to respond as it's deeply unpleasant for everyone.

From what you have said here: no, you're not overreacting. Your husband is an adult and he knows that he is not the centre of the universe and that other people have needs and feelings and are worthy of basic respect and decency, including his defenceless young children. If he genuinely cannot prevent himself from shouting and swearing whenever he's upset or doesn't get his way, can he get some professional anger management help? Unfortunately if he's too selfish to do that your choices are probably (1) to ignore him completely and teach your children to do the same, (2) to ask him to leave, or (3) to make it more uncomfortable for him to have a tantrum than to behave like a sane person decent partner and parent.

It sounds like there was a lack of communication if you had explained to him first would he have lost his temper? I think when someone has outbursts like that it’s that he lets his frustration build up and then explodes. Maybe he needs to talk to a therapist about his feelings. Your son did not pick a good moment to ask about his friend. I think it’s easy to let the children’s needs come first but it sounds like you have both lost yourselves in being parents which is hard work to.