to think my husband's shouting has gone too far?

[justsayyes1]

I'm sitting here in shock and feeling really upset tonight and would appreciate some outside perspective.
Things have been difficult between my husband and me for a long time. We have a child with complex needs and I have ended up carrying the vast majority of the responsibility for managing appointments, school issues, day-to-day care and the emotional fallout, alongside working. For years we didn’t see eye to eye with ASN and the associated adjustments we’ve made (essentially I’ve driven them and he has i think felt pushed aside, though I’d say he’s just not engaged in it all). He also has a history of losing his temper and really shouting about 2-3 times a year with seemingly no trigger, although recently that seemed to have improved. In fact, earlier today I found myself thinking that maybe, somehow, we might actually be okay in the end.
Then tonight happened.
Our son's duvet cover was wet, so I put it in the wash. As my husband sleeps in the spare room (I co-sleep with our daughter), I took his duvet and put it on our son's bed, leaving my husband with a sleeping bag and a smaller duvet for one night until the other one dries. It was a fast practical decision made after a busy day.
Later, while I was trying to settle our daughter to sleep (which was already difficult), my husband stormed into the room shouting about how dare I take his duvet. I explained why I'd done it, but he just carried on shouting.
At that point our son came in. He was home on time and asked if his friend could come in for a while. My husband immediately started shouting at him, swearing and telling him to get rid of his friend. My son questioned why, saying he wasn't due in bed yet and just wanted to hang out. My husband got right up in his face to the point where I genuinely worried it was going to become physical.
My son then said, "What about Mum? Doesn't she get a say?" and my husband shouted, "No, she doesn't."
His friend left, clearly uncomfortable. My son is now crying in his room and won't speak to me. My daughter is frightened and crying too.
The truth is that I'm exhausted. Between caring for our daughter, working, and trying to keep everything afloat, I feel like I'm on my last legs most of the time. People often say "just leave", but the practical and emotional reality of separation feels almost impossible when I'm already barely coping.
I also think I've made a lot of excuses for him over the years. Because so much of my focus has been on the children and their needs, our relationship has often come a distant second. I've told myself he's stressed, that things could be worse, that we're both under pressure. Lately I genuinely felt we had got to a better place, which is why tonight has come as such a shock.
Am I overreacting, or is this as bad as it feels tonight? I feel heartbroken for both children and honestly don't know what to think anymor

This. The son is independent enough to be out with a friend, then he is independent enough to sort his own wet duvet out. You sound fully stretched with caring for your daughter then your son should pull his weight. Why was his duvet wet? Why should someone else suffer because the son who is ok to be out and about with friends not sort it himself.

Overreactions happen, people shout, the thing you said that happened was worse because it’s awful when someone outside the family is there so it probably heightened everything and upure probably all feeling like it’s the biggest thing in the world. Kids get upset and cry over arguments so I don’t know that it’s automatically a ltb, he’s a bastard!

I suppose the huge thing is do you all have to walk on eggshells around him? Is he too angry? Are you nervous of him or just fed up? Why are you both sleeping in a different room- people on mn say they co sleep/ baby wakes up etc etc, I think, and this is just my opinion, you automatically draw a huge divide when you decide to sleep in separate rooms, we have a lot of our chats and moans at night or in the morning.

I think you know deep down whether this all of this is something that can be saved/ talked out (eg the things you argue over may be differences in opinion and may just be about you both learning how to compromise or discuss or maybe they’re lines in the sand that are uncrossable) or whether you’re just on the way to crash and burn.

My DH was like this on occasion and it damaged our relationship for sure, it chipped away at us.

For context, he is patient, kind and an involved father. However, he bottles up frustrations and let them out in anger. It’s rare , but it happened.

Then when the kids became teens, and we had challenges with neurodiversity and job losses, he began to lose his temper with them on rare occasions.

I sat down with him and made it clear how destructive this kind of behaviour was and how I couldn’t allow our children to grow up thinking this was ok.

It’s been a process, but ultimately he stopped. What I had to make clear to him was that his ego and needs were not the most important thing in the house. For a period of time, the children will come first. We have plenty of social outlets, breaks and hobbies, so no one is hard done by.

I think this is addressable , if your husband is willing

Why is the sister in the brother's bedroom and able to soak his duvet? Complex needs also need boundaries. Son's room should be out of bounds so son gets privacy too.

With all that though, husband shouldn't shout. He was wrong. Sounds like you don't like him much regardless of that so perhaps a split might be better.

The comments excusing this man’s abusive behaviour are disgusting.

OP, I understand it feels impossible but your children are living in an abusive home and will be being damaged by this.

It can’t continue.

Wtf are you on about? He systematically loses his temper every few months and shouts to the point that he scares her and the children. She thought he may be capable of hitting their son. He is not a decent man on the edge, if he was he’d have gotten help after the first or second time it happened. Instead he then gives the silent treatment until he’s forced to apologise.

He is a abusive. Not only is he abusive but he is selfish and leaves everything to OP

What ridiculously low standards

Stop blaming the op. Her daughter’s needs have to come first or I’m sure posters would be berating her for being a neglectful mum right? The problem is her husband, not the children or the op! Honestly have some bloody empathy!

Fuck sake

I woud say to him, if you think I have no say in our son's life then I think we have come to the end of the road and you should take your duvet, since it means so much and leave.

Terrible, terrible advice. OP’s role as a mother is vitally important. She should be supported in that role by her husband who instead of berated. How dare you suggest she forgo her dedication to her daughter to appease this abusive, angry man.

I think this is the most sensible advice on the thread.

Irrespective of how he feels there are no circumstances in which his anger and pattern of behaviour towards you and the children is excusable. If he can accept this and is willing/capable of change then you can move on. If he does not then I hope you are able to prioritise yourself and the children even if their is a financial and emotional shock. I feel so much for you OP. I’m sure it’s a really tough day today.

Oh my god…. Can’t you people read and understand English?? OP has already made it clear that it was her disabled DD that caused the wet duvet. Her son is not responsible for this the PARENTS are!!! Of course her DS shouldn’t be impacted and have to have the sleeping bag. I am horrified at what kind of relationships some of these commenters are living with if they are siding with a nasty little man child. My autistic child went through a phase of soaking every set of bedding in the house whenever they got the chance. One night me and my husband slept under a picnic blanket as that’s all we had left and had a great laugh about it…. Because we are normal. If there are any instances when we are lacking bedding or pillows my husband will insist on having the least comfortable option, in any situation will give up anything of his if our child or I need it. I am completely knocked sick by so many of these comments. At least the poll shows that most people aren’t insane!!

I'd be fuming if you took my duvet without explaining because you were in a rush. I probably wouldn't shout infront of someone elses kid but yeah, you sound fairly hard work

Astonishing.

Agree.

I don’t know what’s going on. Are there more men on here? Or pick me girls? It’s a very unpleasant dynamic.

This man is appalling. He’s abusive to his family and he doesn’t understand the concept of sharing the burden of child rearing with his wife or prioritising his children, and he has made it all about him. Because he didn’t have the right kind of bedding. I have nothing but contempt for those whining here about his needs.

I am sorry, OP. You sound so calm and patient and worn down. You clearly have tried to make this work whilst trying to give your kids a decent life too. Have a medal from me, and I wish you luck with the weeks and months ahead.

How about you read the OP’s comments on the thread as to how the duvet got wet? Many of us have managed that.

Why not read the OP’s comments. You might just find the answers to some of your questions there.

Kids get upset and cry over arguments so I don’t know that it’s automatically a ltb, he’s a bastard!
And have you always had such low standards for relationships?

I agree with this. There have always been posters that I disagreed with fundamentally. Parents are a multitude after all. And also there have always been men on this site as men can be parents too. But there's definitely some threads that feel quite brigaded. Especially posts made lat at night maybe because they attract over the pond posters... Or because they are mentioned on a different forum. I don't know

@Persephonia1966 You could be correct OR it could be that other families have different dynamics.

As I said in my previous post, I couldn’t live with my DH losing his temper, so if we were to stay together, that had to stop.

When I described the situation to some friends, they had quite a different reaction to me, some felt this could be an argument shouted out, that extreme pressure can lead to extreme reactions.

It all depends on whether the OPs husband is willing to really do the work to change ( anger management, recognising triggers etc) If he isn’t then she probably should leave.

But if he is, and apart from this, is a good husband and father , then it’s worth a go rather than just a ltb

Domestically abusive men aren't good husbands or fathers. Just because some women have normalised a level of abuse within their relationships doesn't mean it should ever be tolerated. It used to be that Mumsnet was a place where that line was largely held. Not any more apparently.

I was confused until your later updates as I thought the son was the child with additional needs and you needed to make a quick decision to give him a dry duvet so he could go to sleep. I now know it’s the dd with additional needs.

given the age of your son Id have given him the sleeping bag. It’s a bit weird to take your husbands to replace your teenage sons.

however your dh shouldn’t have shouted and should have waiting until you were finished sorting your dd and then had a conversation.

NotSpaced
Kids get upset and cry over arguments so I don’t know that it’s automatically a ltb, he’s a bastard!
And have you always had such low standards for relationships?

Have your children never cried because you gave out to them/ you, either as a couple or a family had an argument? Then as a parent you sit them down and say ‘that got out of hand, we need to talk’. I’ve shouted before, not proud of it, in fact was riddled with guilt as I’d guess most people are.

And I honestly don’t know what you mean by low standards (not being goady, sorry!!!) standards are hard to evaluate given sometimes on mn people say one argument (without backstory) should be the end of a marriage, that’s why I’m saying only op knows.

I agree with this. I've also been there (am there...) with the hyper focus.

I'm not going to suggest a weekend of respite or anything that feels unachievable, but that you'd both benefit from finding the little moments of prioritising eachother. Moments of connection. Moments when you aren't bottom of the pile.

Whether that's finding an hour when the kids are at school (or equivalent) if you can, or similar. We've had date nights eating takeaway communicating by text sat next to eachother on the floor of my child's room, when she needed continual supervision. When due to needs we don't share a bed (most of the time...), 10 minutes of cuddle time in the mornings, that sort of thing.

Parenting is hard, a hundred times more when there are other issues, and at the moment it sounds like you're two people living in the same house feeling exhausted and taking it out on eachother. And I get that, been there.

His outbursts are awful, but they sound like there's more to them than him being an angry man. If it was just that, then I'd suggest moving on. But because the outbursts are occasional and he brings a lot of good otherwise to your lives and it's a very stressful situation, I'd see if there is way forwards first.

This.

I'm surprised about how many people defended his actions before your post. Yes, life is hard but no, swapping out bed covers for a single night for spur of moment reason shouldn't trigger shouting and anger, even worse at child and in front of child's friend.

It sounds like performative aggression, OP. Irritation, a ffs moment, fair enough. But choosing to project his anger, shout, get nasty and sabotage your daughter's routine, then follow that up by turning the rage on to your son is not acceptable.
Couldn't the man baby get some different bedding? Or does he resent the children as well as you?And BTW, the children are the most important people, not the husband.