AIBU to feel stressed by repeated school pick-up requests?

[Addiee5]

Just for context I’m really depressed, anxious and going through a marriage breakdown. I also have a new car which I’m still getting used to and am careful where I drive it. I’ve been lonely so have tried getting friendly with a few mums to develop my network.

One School mum who I know a little not overly close with and I would never ask for a favour from has been increasingly asking me if I can pick up her child from school and drop off to her house. I don’t have a fixed time I leave hence I book my daughter into after school club everyday but over past few weeks I’ve not had to use as I have managed to pick her up, CF has noticed this and has asked me again this week to pick up and drop to her. Work know my situation so haven’t minded me leaving early but I can’t continue this forever.

I feel a little angry as she knows everything going on and must realise how stressed I am but now having her kid in the mix is not what I need right now especially as I’m anxious about leaving work early now as before I was relaxed as if I managed to leave early then I picked my child but equally if I was leaving late she was already booked into ASC so I didn’t have the stress of rushing around or calling school.

I just feel like going back to being isolated and not bothering with anyone or trying to make friends now as this is what will be expected of me won’t it? I’ll constantly have to do favours for people. Just to stress again I would never need a favour from anyone as I don’t like to. Even when I was without a car I didn’t ask anyone I caught a taxi and did 2 different school runs for my kids then taxi to work then again taxi to 2 different school then home. I could easily have asked for a favour but I don’t like to. Why can’t she booody use after school club like the rest of us!! So what advice would you give me and how can I stop attracting CF’s to my life?

She isn't a friend but a user. Say no.

Just say no when she asks. You don’t need to come up with any elaborate excuses, just say that you can’t.

Just say a much shorter version of what you’ve said here. You work and you don’t always have a fixed finish time so DD is booked into ASC, occasionally you do manage to get away early but it’s never a guarantee so you can’t commit to collecting another child.

I just feel like going back to being isolated and not bothering with anyone or trying to make friends now as this is what will be expected of me won’t it? I’ll constantly have to do favours for people. Do you often think like this OP? It’s very black and white. You’ve picked two extremes here and decided it’s either/or. Maybe you could benefit from unpicking this and your inability to say no to random requests in therapy?

Come on Op, you're changing your work hours to pick up another kid whose mother you aren't even friends with? Just stop.

The new car is a good enough reason to say no, though just no should be enough.

You say "no sorry I'm working" and if she argues you reply "?? No. I'm working. "

Say you cannot commit as no guarantee you’ll be picking her up directly from school. So annoying, and cheeky.

Just say sorry im
at work. Do it if you can/ want to otherwise continue to say no.

She's one person, she's not an example of what everyone will be like going forward.

Just send her a text saying "hi CF, my work obligations have changed so I'll no longer be able to give lifts to Mary from X date. Just giving you notice so you can sort something else out! Addie x"

Then carry on being sociable as you like, saying yes to what works for you and no to what doesn't!

Channel your anger into assertiveness and tell her you aren't a free taxi service.

When you refuse to be treated as a doormat, you'll make fewer "friends" but the ones you make will be real.

"I'm sorry that doesn't work for me"

If pushed: "As you know, I'm going through a very difficult period just now and can't commit to regular pick ups due to work and other commitments."

I take it CF hasn't offered any pick ups or anything else in return?

Kill stuff like this at the first request is my advice. No need to give any reason - 'unfortunately I can't' is all you need to respond. Also, no need to add the word sorry.

I was asked to collect someone's 2 kids once in addition to my 2 and walk them all home from school. I just replied the above and was never asked again 👍

“Hi Lucy, just wanted to flag it won’t be possible for me to commit to picking Araminta up at 3.30 to drop her home for you going forward. What wouldn’t have been obvious to you is my working hours are subject to flux on the day and hence I always have Alex booked into after school club. Worth your looking at if you have a regular need for post school childcare.”

Problem is I can’t say I’m working and then she sees me at pick up! It will look like I’m a liar. I have been leaving early to pick up my DD and I will be for a few weeks to save money on ASC but if I say I’m working then she sees me at pick up it will be awkward for me and I know my personality I will be stressing, I’m just going to not look at her messages I suppose and stop being so reachable maybe? I’m the type to respond within a few minutes to a text

This could work in your favour...she owes you so when you return to less flexible working you can reasonably ask her to return the favour if you need to.

Test the water "oh I'm glad you asked, that's fine tonight, but next week I might need you to collect DD a couple of times, hope that's OK".

I'm sure you plan to organise things so you won't need this help, but especially as a single mum, it's never a bad thing to have a couple of favours up your sleeve for emergencies.

ETA, if she's anything other than ameamable it would be very reasonable to tell her the current arrangememts don't work for you. Don't make up excuses, just say yes or no, depending on what works for you.

Don't say sorry - she's checky fecker.

No apologising at all.

"Jane, I was happy to help with collections over the last 5 months but can't do it anymore. I hope you can find alternative arrangements".

If she wanted to be your friend she'd be making sure she returned favours. She's just using you until you push back hard enough, at which point she will stop talking to you and move onto someone else.

You have to say a robust no. Say it's due to work commitments. Imagine you are sweeping by on a swift pick up before starting important evening meetings from home.

She isn't owed an an explanation.

Just go with cannot do it any longer.

If pushed your a reason, just brush it off, "busy with life, work etc, you know how it is!"

Oh and don't let her argue back. Shut the conversation down, don't get into debates or give long explanations. The more you say the more she will see threads to pull at. Say no and leave her nowhere to go, even if if feels rude.

I assume your daughters school isn't walking distance?

Just tell her you're not going that way after school then take your DD to the park/library or something for a bit.

If using WhatsApp change it so it doesn't say when you're online (I hate that!) then just don't open your messages then reply in the evening saying "sorry didn't see this as I've been absorbed in work".

Next time just say: no I can’t mate. I’m working and my child is in afterschool club.
end of.

You’re making this difficult for yourself OP. So what if she sees you at pickup, you could be taking your DD to another afterschool club or an appointment, it’s none of her business. Just say ‘no sorry, I can’t’, on repeat. She’ll soon get the message. The key is to be light and breezy, not acting as if you are avoiding.

"I can't do this any more. It's too much for me and I'm finding it too stressful with work already. I didn't mind an occasional favour but I never wanted to commit to a regular arrangement, particularly one which isn't equally shared."

She's a CF (or she would have offered to share some of the pick ups). CFs are people you don't want as friends. No loss!

Stop worrying about what she thinks of you - just say you can’t do it and let her sort her own childcare out.