AIBU to feel stressed by repeated school pick-up requests?

[Addiee5]

Just for context I’m really depressed, anxious and going through a marriage breakdown. I also have a new car which I’m still getting used to and am careful where I drive it. I’ve been lonely so have tried getting friendly with a few mums to develop my network.

One School mum who I know a little not overly close with and I would never ask for a favour from has been increasingly asking me if I can pick up her child from school and drop off to her house. I don’t have a fixed time I leave hence I book my daughter into after school club everyday but over past few weeks I’ve not had to use as I have managed to pick her up, CF has noticed this and has asked me again this week to pick up and drop to her. Work know my situation so haven’t minded me leaving early but I can’t continue this forever.

I feel a little angry as she knows everything going on and must realise how stressed I am but now having her kid in the mix is not what I need right now especially as I’m anxious about leaving work early now as before I was relaxed as if I managed to leave early then I picked my child but equally if I was leaving late she was already booked into ASC so I didn’t have the stress of rushing around or calling school.

I just feel like going back to being isolated and not bothering with anyone or trying to make friends now as this is what will be expected of me won’t it? I’ll constantly have to do favours for people. Just to stress again I would never need a favour from anyone as I don’t like to. Even when I was without a car I didn’t ask anyone I caught a taxi and did 2 different school runs for my kids then taxi to work then again taxi to 2 different school then home. I could easily have asked for a favour but I don’t like to. Why can’t she booody use after school club like the rest of us!! So what advice would you give me and how can I stop attracting CF’s to my life?

You say you work and never know until the last minute whether you can get away early or not, that’s why you always have ASC booked just in case, and that’s why you can’t commit to pick up.

"Hi Jane, no can do, hope you can find someone who can help!"

"Hi Jane, I'm not able to do pickup for you any more, my work isn't flexible enough, hope yours are more flexible!"

"Hi Jane, I'm not going to be able to do this again - I'm afraid it's all become too much with everything else going on. Best wishes, OP"

Pick one.

Just ignore her and then say sorry didn’t see your message but dc was in ASC anyway (or similar)

'Sorry, I have a lot going on right now and things can change at the last minute, so it's not possible'. If you see her in person, repeat the above. If you really want to scare her off, add 'Could you pick up them both next week?' She'll be gone in a flash.

"Mate, I can't even commit to picking my own kid up at a set time, never mind someone else's. The after school club do a good provision though, I'd definitely recommend it."

She's only asking you because she's burnt her CF bridges elsewhere, guaranteed.

Just say you’re going somewhere after school sorry

You don’t have to say you’re working. Just say no. She’s asking not commanding. Stop giving her all this power. Say sorry no I can’t manage that, got too much going on. If she pushes say you’re stressed to fuck and she needs to look after her own kid. In a light and breezy way, lol. Honestly, you’re making way too much of this. Make your own choices in life and own them.

You don’t owe her any explanation but if you feel you must give one I’d put the blame on work. Tell her you’re being allowed -as a temporary measure- to nip out, get DC, and go straight back home to work . Your boss has permitted a short trip out only. You cannot do any dropping off of any other children.

Ask her to pick up your kid one day and see if she returns the favour. May be helpful to have a break and if she refuses then she get sod off.

Omfg just say no. All this hand wringing and anxiety. What is wrong with people, just say no! Jesus

“No - sorry that doesn’t work for me”

or if you struggle with being quite so blunt!

“I can’t sorry - we aren’t coming straight home”. Every single time.

You don't have to give a reason OP. You can just say 'Sorry, I can't' and leave it at that. If she sees you at pick up, who cares? She doesn't know where you're going or what your schedule is and nor should she, because it's none of her business and her DC isn't your problem.

You sound so sweet OP.

How is she asking what kind of thing is she saying? how does she know you are or aren’t working?

“sorry I can’t I’m too stretched at the moment”.
“I’ve booked Annie in ASC and don’t know when I will pick her up”
“I’m on my lunch break and don’t have time”

if she pushes back she is brassed necked and you can just ignore her.

why can’t she do it

Exactly this
No
Or they’ll ask even more from you
It gets worse!

N O

A breezy 'can't, we've got plans!' and then ignore. If she wears you down, a 'didn't have time to look at messages, busy day' much later. And repeat.
I know it's preferable to tell her straight but if you don't have the energy for confrontation this is a useful alternative.

Please don't let one shitty parent put you off though. There'll be some who are genuine and more reciprocal!

You're not being unreasonable, and I want to validate something specific here: you built yourself a system, after school club as a safety net, that took the stress out of your day regardless of whether work let you leave early or not. This mum's repeated requests aren't just an extra errand, they're quietly removing your safety net and adding a layer of obligation and anxiety into the one part of your day that you'd actually managed to make predictable, at a time when you're already dealing with depression, anxiety and a marriage breakdown. That's a real loss, not an overreaction to a small ask.
It's also fair to feel a bit stung that she knows what you're going through and is asking anyway, repeatedly, having noticed you weren't using the club. Whether or not she means it unkindly, the effect is that your situation is being read as availability rather than as a reason to ask less of you.
A few thoughts that might help:
You don't need a bulletproof reason to say no, "I can't commit to this regularly, sorry" is a complete sentence. You've mentioned work knows your situation and have been flexible, that flexibility was given to support you, not to become a standing favour system for someone else's logistics.
It might help to frame your response around your daughter's after school club rather than your own stress: "She's booked into ASC most days now, so it's easier for me to keep that consistent rather than picking up ad hoc." That's true, sounds practical rather than personal, and quietly closes the door without it being a confrontation about her behaviour.
On the bigger fear, that this means friendship always equals being used: one person asking too much of you doesn't mean everyone will. It's a really understandable fear when you're isolated and trying to rebuild a network at a vulnerable time, because it can feel like the cost of connection is being taken advantage of. But the answer probably isn't to retreat from people altogether, it's that this particular dynamic, with this particular person, isn't a good one, and it's okay to set a boundary with her specifically without writing off the whole project of making friends.
Given everything you're carrying right now, depression, anxiety, a marriage ending, it might also be worth flagging to your GP or a counsellor how stretched you're feeling generally, since these smaller stressors tend to hit much harder when there's not much capacity left in reserve. You don't have to wait until things feel unmanageable to ask for that support.

This is exactly what you say. I'm surprised you didn't just say this when she first asked - it's the truth? Obviously you can't commit to picking up her kid then potentially have to work and not get there in time

Yes.

This CF does not want to be friends with you. She wants to use you. You already know this but she's a persistent customer... and has already wheedled your timetable out of you and calls you out on it.. .How bloody awful!!!

I've been taken in by people like this in the past and in the voice of hard learned experience I'm telling you , if she carries on and keeps bothering you, it is better to give her an outright NO. Let her take offence. Let her stop speaking to you if that's how petty she is. And when she does you can congratulate yourself on not having to put up with her. I can assure you that its like a weight dropping from your neck when you don't have someone like this intruding on you.

@Esmeraldathe3rd suggestion is excellent, but if she's particularly persistent I'd also consider as a last resort.
"Why? Because I just don't want to. " followed by..
"I don't have to justify why, you need to take No for an answer." and walk off.

Short term pain. Long term gain.

It can be very hard sometimes to make friends at the school gate but be patient. There will be other people around the school that don't behave like CFs, and they are easy to identify they don't ask for things and they accept it when you say something is difficult.

Maybe start inviting some other kids for playdates, but also find some nice afterschool non school things for your DD, you will also meet other mums there too.
Best of luck x

Perfect!

This
there is one of these in every year group always looking to not pay for ASC or childminders etc and it’s draining

just say no she’s no friend

Have a list of excuses ready. Or better yet 'can't manage that today' and then ignore any further texts. She isn't your friend, she's a CF. Don't give up on people, only give up on twats. Keep the good ones.

She'll move onto someone else in no time.

I doubt she knows everything that's going on and knows how stressed you are. She probably hasn't noticed and is only just thinking about her own needs.

Selfish, but not malicious. In fact I'd imagine she must not realise what a big ask it is as nobody would intentionally try and stress someone out with this type of request. They'd just want it done nice and easy.

Just firmly state you can't. No need to offer a reason but if pressed just say you're too busy. Once you've refused a few times she has to take no for an answer. If not then start avoiding her!

That's an option, but its also bit of a risk, because a practised CF will try things like.. picking up your child once or even twice and say "shall we share pick ups?" and then immediately stop ever picking up your child in return once you've agreed. It's happened to me.

I also guarantee that OP's CF, once she'd got the lifts established would start saying "Since you are picking up my DC tomorrow ... could you also.... " Because once you've agreed to something like this.. it becomes the thin end of their wedge. You are useful, they know your schedule and they know you find it hard to say no..

This DH and I called it the favour bank, always worth having something in there. But some folk are always in debt, then don't lend them anymore !

Turn it back on her and ask if she can return the favour for a couple of weeks as you've got a lot on.