AIBU to feel stressed by repeated school pick-up requests?

[Addiee5]

Just for context I’m really depressed, anxious and going through a marriage breakdown. I also have a new car which I’m still getting used to and am careful where I drive it. I’ve been lonely so have tried getting friendly with a few mums to develop my network.

One School mum who I know a little not overly close with and I would never ask for a favour from has been increasingly asking me if I can pick up her child from school and drop off to her house. I don’t have a fixed time I leave hence I book my daughter into after school club everyday but over past few weeks I’ve not had to use as I have managed to pick her up, CF has noticed this and has asked me again this week to pick up and drop to her. Work know my situation so haven’t minded me leaving early but I can’t continue this forever.

I feel a little angry as she knows everything going on and must realise how stressed I am but now having her kid in the mix is not what I need right now especially as I’m anxious about leaving work early now as before I was relaxed as if I managed to leave early then I picked my child but equally if I was leaving late she was already booked into ASC so I didn’t have the stress of rushing around or calling school.

I just feel like going back to being isolated and not bothering with anyone or trying to make friends now as this is what will be expected of me won’t it? I’ll constantly have to do favours for people. Just to stress again I would never need a favour from anyone as I don’t like to. Even when I was without a car I didn’t ask anyone I caught a taxi and did 2 different school runs for my kids then taxi to work then again taxi to 2 different school then home. I could easily have asked for a favour but I don’t like to. Why can’t she booody use after school club like the rest of us!! So what advice would you give me and how can I stop attracting CF’s to my life?

This.

I just spoke confidentially to a mutual person who knows her and she won’t say anything as I know her well and her response to all this is that she’s not taking the piss and sometimes it’s nice to have a village to help raise the kids and I should feel free to ask her for favours. I won’t because that’s the way I am that I don’t like asking for anything. She also says she’s done the same for her previously and it’s not much to ask.

Why would you say all this?

Just 'that doesn't work for me' is sufficient.

No need to write an essay, that just gives CF points she can argue with.

Well it might not be too much to ask of your friend but it is too much to ask of you . Does she realise that you have to adjust your work to accommodate her ? Some friend . Tell her to volunteer then. 😀

Listen just say your work hours are flexible so sometimes you can pick your DD up after school and sometimes she goes to after school club so you cannot confirm a pick up. Think about your DD, If someone at school was walking all over her what would you tell her to do. You also don't know what she is going through right now so I wouldn't be nasty or anything just tell the truth and put your boundaries in. If she is worth being a friend with she will understand and still be friendly. If not no harm done you have lost the possibility of a bad friend. Stand up for yourself no one else will !!!

You can just tell the truth, it's logical and reasonable. You can't guarantee you'll always be at the school on time for normal pick up so can't commit.

No is a complete sentence

I would also switch your Whats app status as suggested upthread and don’t reply so quickly

if you feel you have to say more than just use what someone else suggested along the lines of my work are being flexible with me last minute so I don’t know in advance hence why I book ASC

But then you say to her that you can’t guarantee leaving on time to pick up your DD which is why you book DD into ASC. Tell her you don’t know until the last minute whether you can leave on time or not, so you don’t want to make any arrangements to give her child a lift and then not get there. It isn’t a lie OP!

But I do know for next month or so I’ll be leaving early like I have been. I already spoke about this in front of her so that’s why she’s asking.

Sorry I can’t do that this time - there is some uncertainty over a few things going on in my life at the moment so I dare not commit

If you're struggling to say no outright (I understand, I would), then just go with "sorry, DD is in after school club tonight". You can pick DD up early, say half an hour into ASC, and all good. After a few weeks she'll get bored of asking!

So if Mutual Person thinks it isn’t much to ask then MP can give CF’s kid a lift home! Of course it’s a lot to ask if you’re having to leave work early to do it.

Just say you were mistaken, your boss has asked you to work late and you can't guarantee you'll get back in time anymore. It's the truth as you've been stressing about getting there in time - doesn't matter what you said in the past to her

Don’t listen to this hogwash!

“Hi Friend. Although I have an agreement with work to pick up early some days, I can’t guarantee it if something comes up, plus I still have to keep an eye on things at work. I won’t be able to pick up your DD, sorry.”

Ah, you have two cheeky fuckers now.💐

Seriously, block them. They're using you.

How do they know where you go when you collect your DC?
Maybe you go to visit a friend, or go for a walk in a park, or have a McD?
It's easy for anyone posting on here to tell you what to do.
We're not in your shoes.
But you really do need to back away.
Don't be the "reliablesuckerback up for pick-ups".

If she asks again, reply "No, that doesn't fit in with our plans" and do NOT explain the plans (going straight home). It's none of her business.

Good luck. 🤞🏻

Well tell her you’ve got a lot on and it doesn’t work for you.

"We're busy, you'll have to do it yourself or find somebody else."

Every time.

So making friends is no different to dating apps in its not about just finding anyone. Settling for someone because the alternative is nothing is a route into CFs and users. You dont immediately find your people or person, you try until you find a decent one for you.

This woman is using you. Or at best shes selfish and inconsiderate. So id say what youve said here. "Im sorry but as you know im going through some stuff and atm Im struggling so I cant help atm"

She will either understand or disappear. But dont stop looking for the good ones, new friends are a great idea

Right?!

“Hi mutual friend, thanks for the chat, unfortunately it doesn’t work for me to pick up X’s DD due to work commitments this month but I’m sure she would love to hear from you if you’re keen to help xx”

But it is stressing you, and you do feel rushed trying to get there in time. Say it's not working because you actually don't have as much time as you thought and can't guarantee you'll make it on time. It doesn't matter if she sees you at pick up on time, because all you've said is you can't guarantee it.

It's also none of her business and she should simply respect what you say, so really try and resolve to expect difficult awkward feelings when you see her, but know that doesn't mean you're in the wrong.

Who cares? You don't want to do it and you don't have to so don't. If you carry on just because these mutual folk say so then you're getting even wetter. Have the courage of your convictions and say no. The world will go on just fine.

Why can’t she pick her own child up? Is she just waiting at home while you do it?

Is there a reason why she cant do pick ups herself or is she just asking you because she CBA?

1. No is a full sentance
2. Im sorry I am working flexibly to fit in my own child care commitments atm I dont have time for additional pick ups atm
3. If mutual thinks it takes a village, give her name to CF or ask both of them to do your pickups

Can you not just say no? It doesn’t have to be one extreme or the other.

’Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me at the same time.’