AIBU to feel stressed by repeated school pick-up requests?

[Addiee5]

Just for context I’m really depressed, anxious and going through a marriage breakdown. I also have a new car which I’m still getting used to and am careful where I drive it. I’ve been lonely so have tried getting friendly with a few mums to develop my network.

One School mum who I know a little not overly close with and I would never ask for a favour from has been increasingly asking me if I can pick up her child from school and drop off to her house. I don’t have a fixed time I leave hence I book my daughter into after school club everyday but over past few weeks I’ve not had to use as I have managed to pick her up, CF has noticed this and has asked me again this week to pick up and drop to her. Work know my situation so haven’t minded me leaving early but I can’t continue this forever.

I feel a little angry as she knows everything going on and must realise how stressed I am but now having her kid in the mix is not what I need right now especially as I’m anxious about leaving work early now as before I was relaxed as if I managed to leave early then I picked my child but equally if I was leaving late she was already booked into ASC so I didn’t have the stress of rushing around or calling school.

I just feel like going back to being isolated and not bothering with anyone or trying to make friends now as this is what will be expected of me won’t it? I’ll constantly have to do favours for people. Just to stress again I would never need a favour from anyone as I don’t like to. Even when I was without a car I didn’t ask anyone I caught a taxi and did 2 different school runs for my kids then taxi to work then again taxi to 2 different school then home. I could easily have asked for a favour but I don’t like to. Why can’t she booody use after school club like the rest of us!! So what advice would you give me and how can I stop attracting CF’s to my life?

I’ve got a user mum in our class. I just say no.

I think you are giving her way too much of an easy ride here, OP.

You should never have even started leaving work early to collect someone else's child. That just makes no sense at all.

Start saying a blunt NO to her and then stop worrying about what she thinks or sees. You only intended this as the occasional favour and now she has well and truly crossed the line there. You owe her nothing. Stop thinking of her as a friend. She is a cheeky fucker, pure and simple. She will be no sad loss to you.

Yeah well things have changed so I can't now.

The best thing you will do for yourself is to learn how to stop people pleasing. It really is wonderfully liberating.

I think also that maybe your DC might like you to themselves after school without CF's DC tagging along?

Sorry everyone I think I didn’t explain well. So basically I started leaving early to save costs on ASC. She noticed this and now has asked me a few times to pick up her child too and drop off to her. I can’t say I’m finishing late as she knows I’m leaving early. The stress for me is because I have her child to think of I don’t have the safety net of not worrying if I get late

This mutual friend is wrong. Does she know about the how depressed and anxious you are. Does anyone.

next time she asks say “I can’t. I need to be flexible and can’t if I agree to pick up Annie” if she pushes back say, no sorry and I can’t for the foreseeable

Yes, OP, you can say this to the mum! 'The stress for me is because I have her child to think of I don’t have the safety net of not worrying if I get late'

That is a very reasonable reason for not wanting to pick up someone's child!

The breezy 'sorry, can't, got plans' works for this though, as it could be you've got plans before (ie variable pick up time) or after (not going straight home) not that you need to explain either to her.
Alternatively in your situation you could legitimately say 'ah I can't, I don't know what my plans are yet!' if you have a variable finishing/pick up time!

If you are feeling guilt after your friend vouched for her, a good way to test it would be to ask for the favour to be returned - 'I can do today if you can do Thursday?' - that will soon tell you if she's interested in mutual support or not.

I get it, what I dont get is why she cant pick her kid up herself if she is at home.

As others have said "No sorry, we have plans after school". Keep having "plans" and she will find another sucker.

I think this is the way to go OP, you could even make it shorter, and say 'Sorry I can't help out anymore, I've got a lot going on at the moment, and don't have the headspace for any more responsibility'. She can't really argue with that.

Yeah fuck what I said, this is better.

Stop being a doormat and say, I cant commit to that.

You’re dropping her back to her house where mum is waiting? So ask if she can do one week, you can do another and see her retreat like a good ‘un! If it isn’t reciprocal, no. If she’s waiting at home like an entitled mare, no. And who cares what your mutual friend says? It’s stressing you out, it’s not your child, why should you be delivering the child back to mum who can’t be arsed to pick up her own child? Listen to yourself, OP! You’re being a huge doormat, just say no.

Oh come on, OP, you've been given some excellent advice on here. Stop worrying about what she knows or doesn't know, or what she or anyone else might think. You do not owe her a long and detailed explanation. As others have already said, just tell her it doesn't work for you and you won't be able to give her daughter a lift. If she gets the hump then so what? Why are you so keen to be her friend? She sounds awful.

Also, why can't she pick her own daughter up? Several people have asked but you've not answered.

Thank you. I’m not too sure tbh the reason why she can’t pick up her daughter, I just never asked. I should have I know

Or even better "actually I was about to ask if you could do <day she asked for> for me. Or how about Fri?"

It is a very fast way to chase off anyone who is determined to just take favours and not return them, but you don't want to be encouraging swaps with people who are not interested in pulling their weight.

It's not you job to satisfy her with your answer. You just need to say no, mean it and move on. No that's not possible, hope you find a solution. Is Rebecca looking forward to Sports Day? I need to find a red T shirt for that, it never ends does it ha ha.

And if you can't keep it generic then hide behind rushing off to WFH to complete your hours. Meetings, deadlines, importance of being seen to be online etc. It's not at all obvious that being there for pick up means you have finished work.

None of this matters. Stop agonising and overthinking and asking other friends and agonising some more. You don't want to do it, you don't have to do it, your reasons are perfectly valid but even if they weren't, you still don't have to do it. Just say no.

Listen your reaction is very strange. Perhaps it's not such a big ask and it means you have a credit with her for favours. Or perhaps she's a CF.

But you don't know if she's assuming it's ok or if she's genuinely asking if it's a problem.

All you need to do is reply -

"Sorry I won't be able to commit to lifts for your DC as I have a lot going on. I hope you get sorted."

And that's it.

Sorry Ava, got loads to do this week so really can't commit to picking Amy up from school. X

Keep it simple.

This is your life if you allow it.
You will be seen as a mug.
Take the advice and say "No, it doesn't suit".

If she comes back and questions it, ignore.

Or
Turn off your message receipts so no one can see when you are online.

Start saying I didn't see your message and just keep doing it.

Only you can change this.

CF look out for doormats to use.

That was my first thought.
The "mutual" friend says its not much of an ask and you should do it.. even though you are reluctant? Because she thinks if you don't she'll have to do it. Also.. the mutual friend going on about it takes a village - sounds like she's been thinking of asking you for favours too. I don't think she's a friend and I also think she will tell the CF, since she sees so much of the virtue in CF's request to you.

Dear @Addiee5 PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE... repeat this to yourself whenever you doubt yourself. You do NOT need permission from us, or from any mutual friend to say NO to this woman asking you to do something which would be awkward and difficult for you to do.

You just don't have to say yes. It's not mean. Its prioritising yourself and your child. It doesn't make you a bad person not to volunteer to make someone else's life run more smoothly. That is her job. Not yours.

Part of the relucance to say no, can be that you have been conditioned to be supportive and helpful in childhood but there's a fear that if you say no, there will be recriminations, other people might think that you are not a nice person. If she is the sort of woman to run around school bitching that you let her down...most people will be looking at her behaviour, not yours... It might even stop others from deciding that you can help them out too.

You just don't have to say yes. It's not mean. Its prioritising yourself and your child. It doesn't make you a bad person not to volunteer to make someone else's life run more smoothly. That is her job. Not yours. If she wants a regular pick up she can advertise and pay. I'm not talking about playdate pick up. She's also not a particular friend of yours and you owe her nothing.

I don't believe that other mums sit around saying.. "ooh Mrs Y was asked to pick up Mrs X's DD every day and she said no.. how mean is that?" Every single mum at the school gate knows that regularly picking up other people's children, especially if it goes on for a while is essentially blagging free childcare on the promise that occasionally they will return the favour.

I know how you feel. I've been in your position and in the first school my DC's attended people did help each other out. In the second one.. I was often asked and promised, but when we had a serious accident to deal with, not one of the many people I did (considerable) favours for offered to help in any way at all. When they rang, it was for gossip purposes. It was eye opening. Surprisingly, it was other (kinder) people who offered support and I will never forget that.

I'm not sure how old your DD or what school year, but you will make friends eventually but make the right ones. Just focus on playdates and socialising for your DD.. do plenty of non school activities with her so everything is not all about school - for her and for you.

You will not be tarred and feathered for saying no. If its difficult face to face. Text it and have some good phrases up your sleeve for a face to face. The best replies were along the lines of I can't guarantee and I don't know in advance. So I have to say no. or like @Goditsmemargaret s post
Best of luck xx

I think asking for the favour to be returned works well in some cases... but I'd tread very carefully with a suspected CF..
Firstly OP is quite stressed about managing pick ups and has organised something that works and that suits her without having to do anything else.... so in a way, why tamper with that. She also got special permission from her employer to do this. so she may not even want a favour in return.

Secondly. I've been caught out like this by school gate CFs... they offer a one time favour in order to get you to do several and then because they've done one tiny thing, make you feel obligated to do a series of much larger asks. And its much much more difficult to say now. When you look like flagging and are about to say no.. they offer another tiny favour to reel you back in to the larger ones.