Starting again at 61

[ByHardyMintPombear]

Is it really possible to start again at 61? I have a perfect dh, 2 adult dc who are happy, a nice house. We have had a lovely life. Dh & I enjoy family time, hols, meeting up with friends for meals out. Everything looks rosy on the garden, but it's not.
I really couldn't care less if I never have sex again. He still wants to & I can feel the resentment starting to creep in. It's not fair on him either.
Dh has never been into music. I still like to go to music events/festivals/raves where there are like minded people my age.
Trouble Is, we live in a little village close to a small town, where not much is going on. I feel so trapped & bored. I've made a shiny set of new friends in a city who are always out. This is the life I want. I don't want to take dh out with me & new friends. It would change the dynamic as he wouldn't enjoy it.
Can't really afford to split up. I do not work, can't imagine finding a decent job at my age. I only have a small pension as I was a sahm mum for years. I loved this, but now the kids are gone I'm trapped. I want to leave our rural life & start again. He doesn't.
I still love him, but as a best friend. How could I break his & the rest of the family's heart by turning everything on it's head. We have a comfortable retirement planned. I haven't got the heart to take half of what I'd be entitled, leaving him with not such a comfortable retirement after he's worked so hard all of his life.
There are 3 events that are I love to go to with these new friends. Two are held every 3 months, another is every 2 months. This involves travel & hotel stays for me. Taking money out of the family pot for this is not really fair. Does this sound excessive? This going out til 3am on a regular basis will not last forever, I know that.. We're getting old.
Me staying out in the city with these new friends wouldn't be so bad if I was able to give something back to dh, but I just can't. I read so many threads asking where are all the good 50+ men are. Well I have one right here.
It just looks & feels like I'm with him for his money & the nice life we have. How can I stop feeling so bored & trapped? I could try & get another job but this would not change how I feel about never wanting sex again, nor would it stop me feeling bored with this rural life.
Sorry it's such a long, rambling post.

Why do you have to go to every single event if it's expensive? Just go to a more limited number. And maybe sometimes include your DH. Maybe he would like it too and if he doesn't, it means you try to include him. It seems a bit ridiculous to consider breaking up your marriage when you haven't even tried a compromise.

He's already seen videos & photos of these events & doesn't want to go. He doesn't moan about me going. What he does moan about is I no longer want sex. Which is not fair on him. Eventually he's going to think I'm with him for the nice life we have & the freedom it gives me, but not for him.

You can still invite him, so he thinks you would like him to go, and he can just refuse. Just go to a few events once and spend a fortune, and you won't have to feel guilty about that.

Can you get a part time job to pay for your events.

Try and come to a compromise, you don’t have to go to every single event. Maybe see the docs about your sex drive?

You be mad to think you can skip off dancing with friends, starting a new life, these friendships are not permanent neither is the lifestyle if you are already 61. I think you need a reality check.
I don’t know the answer. I’d suggest compromising so that you keep the best of both worlds.
Woukd your husband be open to sleeping with other people? Then you can both have your but if fun.

Talk to him about how you feel and see how he feels.
Get a part time job to pay for your own events, will also fill some of your time and may make you feel better about life in general.
And see a doctor about you lack of libido - seems a bit drastic to throw everything away without trying to improve what you already have first.

Really don't understand why can't spend money out of the family pot on yourself. You've raised his children, run his home, cooked, washed, cleaned etc all unpaid labour, now it's your turn.

Are you taking HRT?

You are of course entitled to do things you want to do, but I agree with the PP who said you should at least try some kind of compromise. You feel bored and trapped after long years of being a SAHM, but do you know how he feels after long years of working to support the family? He is entitled to do some things he wants to do too.

You sound, kindly, like a teenager with her first boyfriend, talking about your shiny new friends and the raves and the big city. How did you meet these shiny new friends? I'm sure you're having a great time but that's not the same as having a proper support network. If one day you got too tired or too ill or just too old to have all the fun days out, would they still be there?

Re. the sex, of course you don't have to have sex you don't want, but you could think about whether you never want to have any kind of sex again or whether you actually just don't want to have the kind of sex you've been having so far.

60 is the new 50 !
Best to enjoy your life while you are healthy & relatively young

Why cant you get a job & work ?

Your state pension age must be 67

Does your DH have his own hobbies ?

I mean there’s nothing stopping you from getting a job to fund your social life, if you are worried about taking money from the pot? Why aren’t you working? You could volunteer or do a course? It’s not really your husbands fault that you feel trapped, is it? You made the decision to become a SAHM and you enjoyed that time. But, kids grow up and fly the nest. How far is your nearest city? You could visit regularly and still enjoy the events which it has to offer?

I’m a bit younger than you, but had to take ill health retirement as I have incurable cancer. I also live in a small town with not much happening. However, there are 3 cities within commutable distance and I enjoy nothing more, than hopping on the train to soak up a bit of city life for a few hours. I’m also looking a courses with the OU, to keep my brain active.

Life is what you make it. How deep are these new friendships? Have you considered HRT or testosterone to revive your libido?

Yes I agree with everyone else. It doesn't sound like anything much apart from different outlooks on life. You could get a job on a cafe or garden centre or something that takes you into the city a day a week to fund your activities. He doesn't have to go everywhere with you. You don't have to have everything in common. I would imagine it would be hard to start again with no job and pretty galling for him if you took half of everything after you must have been a housewife for how long and then to turn round and say you're bored when he's about to retire! If you are 61 your children must have been adults for a very long time!

It wasn't unpaid. Housed, fed, clothed, holidays etc etc.

And surely nothing was just “his”, they were shared.

Ok - assuming this thread is genuine.

You mention your shiny new friends a lot. What happens if you break up your life - and they disappear in a puff of smoke? What if you’re a lot less attractive to them when you’re living in a bedsit at the wrong end of town, worrying about being able to afford transport to your next get together, never mind paying for an activity, or dinner.

Where are your adult children in all this? Are they close by or on other continents? I honestly don’t think you can make this decision based on new friendships.

My DH is going to think I’m with him for the nice life we have… well you kind of are, aren’t you.

You might find you don't have the energy for these events if you have to work full time to support yourself!

If you feel the financial cost is taking too much from the pot, then get a part time job. The events themselves don't seem an issue. Your DH doesn't want to attend, nor do you want him to, so what's the problem?

The sex aspect, you really need to think about whether it's sex itself you're not interested in or just sex with your DH. If it's sex in general, then go and see your GP and discuss it. Why wouldn't you want to do that for someone you've been with this long and sounds like a decent guy? If it's just sex with your DH you don't want then that's a different problem.

Stay with him. Suggest a more “independent” marriage. He can look elsewhere for sex and you get independence with your friends.

It’s not worth leaving him just because you feel bad about taking money out of the family pot.

Exactly.

The poor bloke probably already knows. It’s not hard to figure out when it happens.

I think people are being a bit harsh.

I wonder if for years you've been a caregiver and given what you think are your best years to doing what everyone else needs and not what brings you joy? I think there are thousands of women of your generation, and older, who feel this way, like they died to themselves for decades and now want to feel like a person, not just a wife/mother. I think this is especially true if you've not have fulfilment in other areas - work, volunteering, other relationships like close friendships etc.

I'd suggest seeing a counsellor to process the feelings and try to separate them out and understand what you really want. Leaving a marriage for friends won't work long term, but having a chance to bring some fulfillment to your life is really important, maybe this can be done while remaining married, but maybe not.

I guess you have two options:

1. Work with your husband to figure out how to work through the fact you want different things for this next decade. Quiet village life with things not too different than they have been the last decade or two vs more urban, finding new hobbies, doing interesting things, expanding your social group. I think you need to let go of the idea you can't spend what is in the 'pot' on anything for yourself. You raised presumably his children and cared for the home? Not saying that means you are entitled to it all, but it's reasonable that you have a set amount each month that you can spend on yourself/hobbies, just as he should have too. It's okay to do something separate a couple days a week, to take a course, see new friends, go to a dance etc as long as it's transparent. You should not be made to feel guilty for this.

2. Start again - people do it. I have an aunt who has. She was a young Mum, married with children, devoted decades to home life and then got to her 50's and early 60's and wanted to make a life. She stayed good friends with her ex husband. She moved into a new 2 bed property nearer the city centre. This was about twenty years ago and she's still very happy. Her ex-husband has since died. They remained good friends to the end. The reality is, both their retirements changed due to splitting assets 50/50 but it wasn't bad, just different. Her ex-husband said near the end of his life that he was glad she was happy. I don't think that all ex partners would feel that way, but it was validation for her she didn't ruin anything, she made her life better and he didn't resent her for it.

As for the sex, if you want to have it but aren't in the mood/find it painful, speak to your GP as there can be physical reasons that help. BUT no one should be pressured into sex, just as no one is guaranteed sex.

I wish you well @ByHardyMintPombear I think it can feel really hard to feel stuck in a life you feel you've moved on from. Do you have a trusted friend (not one of the new 'shiny' ones) that you can confide it? Someone who can be less biased? Who also cares about you enough to want you to be happy/content?

You aren't bad for wanting this for yourself. I guess the question is can you have enough of what brings you joy while you remain in your marriage or if you need to move on?

Good luck

Well I think you should get a job as a starting point.

Can you agree with your husband that you do your thing and he does his and you come together for what you both enjoy. I think it is the best way to enjoy retirement to each be independent a bit like while he was working. Don't undervalue a life partner, you will have been through so much together, but have it to work for both of you.

I think you need to look for a job to fund your social life and also give you some purpose outside the home. I am sure you could find something part time.

Also it might be worth exploring your lack of libido with your GP. Many women who are in peri menopause, menopause or post menopause experience this and while some recognise they still want to have sex but for their hormones playing up, for many they just feel like they couldn't care less. That isn't always and accurate reflection of your hormones and is down to your hormones. While no one should feel pressured into having sex, I do think you owe it to your decent sounding husband to determine if this something that can be resolved.

Starting again is always an option but it sounds like you get on and generally have a nice life and are not in any hurry to move onto a new relationship. He doesn't seem to mind you going out or funding that from the joint pot (although I think you will feel better if you were earning and it would set you in good stead if you do separate in the future). I think there may be a compromise to be had here that will suit you both.

I'm not saying I've never worked. I was a sahm for years so never built up my pension from a young age. I've worked full time for the last few years & was made redundant last year. Even after a year, with AI, I feel out of touch. I can update my skills.
The reason I haven't gone back to work is I'm a great help with school pick up & school holidays. Dh & I decided this was a good thing to do for our dgc if we can afford it. I don't mind helping with childcare, they are a delight.
I do not miss my old job. The corporate take over had made it a toxic place to be.
I also have an elderly, widowed mum. No dementia, but bad ocd & anxiety. The mental stress & level of control that she tries to impose, & sometimes succeeds in, is relentless. Looking after her needs is split equally between me & my sibling.
I had a great weekend with friends & this weekend we've got my mum for the weekend. We love her & she can't help her ocd & anxiety.
My new friends are just going out friends, have a good time friends. I don't expect them to become deep, long term friendships. I have deep, long term friendships too, some from school, but they no longer want to be out dancing until the sun comes up. I'm luckier than they are with my health. Sailed through giving birth, meno & thankfully no aches, pains or serious illnesses. I don't drink a lot of alcohol, don't work on top of taking care of family & the house, so I've still got a lot of energy.