To not want to invite my sister to my wedding?

[keepdrivingg]

Fully aware that this is a delicate topic on Mumsnet so I know I might be flamed here.

My fiancé and I are currently planning a child free wedding.

For context, we are both on our 20s with no kids of our own. None of our friends have children yet either.

As such we’d like our reception to be child free in order to have a big bash where we can all freely drink etc without having to worry about any kids running around or knocking things over etc! I am also not generally a massive kid person (neither is partner!).

Anyway, as I said most people we know don’t have kids yet. The only real caveat to that is my dad has a much younger child. I have two brothers who are also in their 20s, dad got remarried a couple of years ago and as such now has a 2 year old.

Some additional info here is that I’m not massively close to dad and his idea of me spending quality time with sister is to babysit for free effectively. I question his and his wife’s parenting which involves essentially letting sister do what she wants so she doesn’t kick off. if we are ever all together at family events this usually involves my grandmother having an awful time trying to keep sister at bay whilst her parents do nothing. I love my grandmother dearly and therefore don’t want her attention taken up doing this on what she will view as my special day

Further context here is that when deciding about our wedding we agreed that it we wouldn’t mind family children attending the church ceremony. The reasoning being that they can then be in family pictures and be a part of the day. Then when we move to the reception this part will be adults only and kids will not follow along here. To add, dad’s wife’s parents have sister regularly and are happy babysitters, so not really an issue on the childcare side.

Anyway, dad has majorly kicked off. He said it’s completely unreasonable to not invite sister all day, she’ll be left out and upset and I’m being a horrible sister as it’s not fair to exclude her. We sort of went back and forth on this and he’s eventually said if she can’t come to the reception then they’ll all leave after the ceremony.

im hurt that he’s effectively chosen his younger daughter over me. I’d understand if she was say, 10, and would genuinely understand what’s going on and remember going home early, as well as knowing when to sit quiet etc. but at 2 all she’ll want to do is run riot and they will allow her to do so!

My fiancé has basically said stick to our guns and if my dad shows his true colours by leaving then we know where he stands in terms of valuing me and my wishes.

id like to know Aibu to follow through on this? Or should I give in?

Not inviting your sister is totally your choice. I couldn’t exclude her and I don’t think you can expect your father to bring her to the ceremony and then send her home. She may not understand what’s going on now but she will know that something exciting is happening on the day with family members. I would accept your Dad’s decision and move on.

Why are you trying to stump him? You sound like you aren’t trying to make a point.

If your sister is invited to the actual wedding but just not the after do (which will likely be late anyway) then that’s fine.

Her mum or dad don’t have to attend the evening do.
The wedding is the most important part.

I am reasonably certain that when Op wrote

"We then said okay compromise and come to the actual wedding part and leave the reception for adult fun, and then the kick off ensued from there. I was trying to find a middle ground with the ceremony invitation!"

that was exactly what she did.

Could you compromise?

Invite her other Grandparents as well on the understanding that when DSis becomes over tired they will take her off to bed. (Talk about example of other parties directly with your father, no texts.)

I completely understand, but I think the way you’re describing your sister as naughty is a bit unfair. She’s 2!?! Have you met many 2 year olds - most are feral haha it sounds a good compromise that she attends the ceremony and goes home for the reception. Why would they even want her to attend, they won’t be able to enjoy themselves. If it were me, I’d want an evening to enjoy at my child’s wedding! Stick to your guns and be upfront to your dad and say you’ll be disappointed if he doesn’t attend the reception. His daughter, your sister is 2 and will not remember at all. She will have zero clue what’s going on. If she were 6+ I’d maybe have a different opinion but she’s not! Have a lovely wedding.

How can she be 14yrs older if she's only 10?

Op remember the look on your grandmother's face when you said niece wouldn't be at the reception and stick to your guns.

This isn't even particularly about a child free wedding, that just gives you a bit of extra ammunition. You don't want this particular child there full stop. Not because she's 'only' a half sibling, but because she's a feral two year old who will be given no boundaries and who you know will ruin the day. She will dominate with her demands (and those of her parents on her behalf) that she is the centre of attention at all times and allowed to do whatever she wants.

I'm sorry your dad is effectively putting her before you. It's hard to accept. But he's made his choice, maybe or maybe not influenced by his wife. And it sounds like he (and she) mostly see you as a resource to facilitate their and little sister's lives. So have a lovely day with the people who love you, and will celebrate with you - especially your grandmother.

I wondered about that, then realised it must be two dds, one fourteen years younger and one ten years younger than the DSD.

10 years older than the eldest of PP's DD and 14 years older than the youngest.

Thanks. He was 16, but it is a whole other sordid story (feel free to search posts)

Ultimately you will (hopefully) NEVER get another wedding day. So do it your way (& allow fiancé to feature at times 🤣🤣).

From your posts there is clearly a broken relationship with your dad so him having the hump and leaving early doesn't sound like a major issue.

We had kids at our wedding, just not the ones from ex bridesmaid that we had never met. For the ones who are heavily in our lives they ranged from 4 to 14 including 1 with severe ADHD, PDA & ODD and I did bespoke activities for each one to keep them occupied during the dull bits. We had crazy golf (thanks mum) and we already own a ton of garden games from my time as a guider so we had those on site although I think the adults had more fun drunkenly trying to play giant jenga.

and for those wailing about it being her sister....what happens when a relative of the chikds mum gets married abd doesnt invite @keepdrivingg? Should their be uproar and a chorus of "but she is her SISTER"?? Yesh thought not.

Thanks for all the replies.

I have had another chat with fiancé and we’ve agreed to meet up with dad for a chat. We’ll outline our stance again and confirm that we won’t budge on attendance. I’d be happy for sister to wear a flower girl dress if that helps to ease anything. If dad is still unhappy then i’ll just stress that I would really like him to come and I would like him to make time just for me on my special day, but if he can’t do that then I respect it and he can quietly leave after the ceremony.

If it comes up i’ll be clear as to why he didn’t want to attend the reception, I won’t be making excuses.

My lovely grandma is doing a speech anyway so very happy with this and therefore it won’t matter too much if he does stick to his guns.

If he continues to kick off after this chat then we’ve decided to say that we’ve had a rethink and actually it’s best not to come at all.

Thank you for this ❤️

Is the plan that your dad walks you to the altar? I would rethink this now if it was me, and ask Grandma.

I think you’ve made a mistake inviting her to the ceremony. Kids very rarely play ball at the best of times in new situations. There will likely be poor planning on the day, when for whatever reason the childcare after the ceremony isn’t available and she has to stay.

I also had a child free wedding. My brother and SIL left after food to get back to my niece and everyone else was able to facilitate childcare. It is possible.

Shame on your dad!

It’s not your wedding. The OP wants her wedding her way. Stick to your guns OP.

Didn't need any context. Your wedding, invite who you want. I love kids generally, but fully understand adult-only events and support them. Having read the info, in terms of your dad/his wife.. definitely speak to your dad in person.

Your wife has likely taken this as a dig at her parenting skills so may be riling up your dad about that. If he agrees you're criticising their parenting, then he won't be choosing your sister, he'll be siding with his new wife and it's in his best interests to do so(!) At any rate, a heart to heart with your dad might help him understand that you want your day to be stress free, that this isn't a dig at them as no kids are invited and that you're also thinking of your sister because she will be sooooo bored! She won't even want to be there if no other kids about.

Alternatively, you could install a play area / mini ball pool / colouring books etc for her? Something to keep her away and distracted. Maybe let a couple other kids come to keep her company in there and section it off. Hire a 'nanny' to step in if the parents don't. Maybe ask for money gifts and use that to pay for it!

I can see how his new wife and this new child inherit everything from him anyway, so he does not have a leg to stand on

I voted YABU. It’s one child and your sister. If you hadn’t said no in the beginning they’d have probably arranged babysitting themselves for the evening part. Now its a point of principle.

Then carry on as you are. Hopefully your dad won't continue to be a dick and will actually stay for the whole of his elder daughter's celebrations.

i think people are overestimating the closeness of an adult and her toddler half sister! Also one chaotic child can disrupt anything

I had thought the OP was having a bunch of kids at the church for photos but who were too young to come to the reception. PP were saying that it was odd to have them at the church but not the reception. I was saying that a children's entertainer would be a way to have kids at the whole wedding without ruining the reception.

I don't know where I got the idea that there was going to be a bunch of kids, so just ignore me, OP.

Anyway, maybe the idea of a children's entertainer will help someone else. It worked well for our wedding where there were at least ten children. Reception was lovely while they were being entertained elsewhere!

No I’m not overestimating it but it’s still her father’s child, not just any child. I mean if i was her father I’d react like he has I’m afraid.