To not want to invite my sister to my wedding?

[keepdrivingg]

Fully aware that this is a delicate topic on Mumsnet so I know I might be flamed here.

My fiancé and I are currently planning a child free wedding.

For context, we are both on our 20s with no kids of our own. None of our friends have children yet either.

As such we’d like our reception to be child free in order to have a big bash where we can all freely drink etc without having to worry about any kids running around or knocking things over etc! I am also not generally a massive kid person (neither is partner!).

Anyway, as I said most people we know don’t have kids yet. The only real caveat to that is my dad has a much younger child. I have two brothers who are also in their 20s, dad got remarried a couple of years ago and as such now has a 2 year old.

Some additional info here is that I’m not massively close to dad and his idea of me spending quality time with sister is to babysit for free effectively. I question his and his wife’s parenting which involves essentially letting sister do what she wants so she doesn’t kick off. if we are ever all together at family events this usually involves my grandmother having an awful time trying to keep sister at bay whilst her parents do nothing. I love my grandmother dearly and therefore don’t want her attention taken up doing this on what she will view as my special day

Further context here is that when deciding about our wedding we agreed that it we wouldn’t mind family children attending the church ceremony. The reasoning being that they can then be in family pictures and be a part of the day. Then when we move to the reception this part will be adults only and kids will not follow along here. To add, dad’s wife’s parents have sister regularly and are happy babysitters, so not really an issue on the childcare side.

Anyway, dad has majorly kicked off. He said it’s completely unreasonable to not invite sister all day, she’ll be left out and upset and I’m being a horrible sister as it’s not fair to exclude her. We sort of went back and forth on this and he’s eventually said if she can’t come to the reception then they’ll all leave after the ceremony.

im hurt that he’s effectively chosen his younger daughter over me. I’d understand if she was say, 10, and would genuinely understand what’s going on and remember going home early, as well as knowing when to sit quiet etc. but at 2 all she’ll want to do is run riot and they will allow her to do so!

My fiancé has basically said stick to our guns and if my dad shows his true colours by leaving then we know where he stands in terms of valuing me and my wishes.

id like to know Aibu to follow through on this? Or should I give in?

OP, I think you should have whoever you want at your wedding. Your father is choosing between his two daughters and is also presumably prioritising his partner who will not be happy about her daughter being excluded. This isn't just a child not being invited, but your dad's daughter and I imagine this has not gone down well with step mum as you knew it wouldn't.

Your dad will have to try to square that. A friend of DH had a destination wedding with no invite for my daughter who was a baby at the time, so DH went by himself. I insisted he went. They don't have kids.

If you never have children I think you'll be fine with this decision and blame your Dad for not prioritising you on your wedding day. If you do have kids down the line you may, or may not, reflect on it differently. You don't sound keen on having a relationship with your sister but I suspect this will remove that option and I can't see your relationship with your dad improving because of this situation, but you know that.

It is your wedding and your choice. All of it.

It sounds like you're dealing with a genuinely painful situation — this isn't really about a toddler at a reception; it's about feeling like your dad is prioritising his new family over you on one of the biggest days of your life.
To answer your question directly: no, you're not being unreasonable. A child-free reception is a completely normal and common choice and having the little one at the ceremony gives her (and your dad) a meaningful part in the day. That's actually a generous compromise.
A few things worth sitting with though:
Your dad's reaction might come from more than just this. He may feel guilty about the family he's built and is projecting that onto this conflict. That doesn't make his behaviour okay, but it might explain why he's gone straight to ultimatums.
The "she'll be left out and upset" argument doesn't hold much water for a 2-year-old. She won't remember or understand what she did or didn't attend. This feels more like your dad's feelings being voiced through her.
Your fiancé is right that this reveals something. If your dad follows through on the threat to leave after the ceremony, that tells you a lot about how he weighs your needs against his own comfort.
The harder question is whether you want to spend energy before the wedding trying to repair this with your dad, or whether you draw the line and deal with the fallout after. Only you know how much that relationship means to you and whether it's worth the emotional cost either way.
Whatever you decide, your feelings about this are completely valid.

Hi op you have made up your mind your dad has made up his mind. I think it’s probably a principle thing with your dad that you are not treating his dd as your sister and his wife will definitely be having her say. other posters have put no kids or no half siblings or step kids on wedding invites and the parents of said kids have said it’s either all of us or no one so I would let your dad have his tantrum and leave early with his kid he’s not necessarily picking her over you he’s probably just hurt your not treating her like family. Your day, your rules it’s horrible having little ones running around the dance floor and it’s all the other adults who have to be careful and not the parents who are enjoying the time having a drink so your guests will appreciate your no children rule. Op also your grandmother deserves to have fun your dad chose to have another family so this comes with responsibility and he should respect your decisions.

Why would she reflect on it differently? And why do people always say this?

Her dad’s new child is chaotic so she doesn’t want it at the reception. The OP having children of her own isn’t going to change the fact that the child is not pleasant to be around at the moment

It would have been better not to have invited your sister at all. Looks like your dad would have spat his dummy either way though.

Actually if he chooses to stop speaking to you at least you won’t have to babysit 🤷‍♀️

I think you didn't read her updates.

Could you invite your step mum’s parents? That would provide good PR that you are welcoming the wider family and hopefully have the advantage that they would supervise their grandchild.

How did you inform him about it being a child free reception?

If a mother can’t leave her child it’s excluding.

She’s still your sister … MN normally plays hell when “steps” are treated differently from biological family.. but seemingly not in this case.

My daugher has half siblings who don’t bother with her birthday, Christmas or anything else, and it’s done untold emotional damage to her. Crying because she thinks she’s done something “wrong”, when the only real reason is an age difference, and being “half” not full. It’s awful.

You want to win a “pick me” dance with your Dad, and in reality nobody wins.

It is not just a matter of choosing whch daughter, though. He is also trying to keep the mother of the 2-y-o happy. I am really not into blaming women for men's actions, but she will have a view. It might be that she is all for getting a bsbysitter and having a child-free night, but I doubt it.

Child free is fine - it’s your wedding - but really you should have simply gone for no kids all day. It’s more difficult to have a child for the ceremony (er, so you have them in the pictures feels a bit like they are a prop though) and then exclude in the evening. Your dad’s partner may find it easier to leave baby with her family for the full day rather than somehow have to get that child from the wedding (after those photos) to someone who can baby-sit that night.

I’d just withdraw the daytime invite for baby and explain that you hadn’t thought it through. Dad will likely kick off but that’s already happening.

Your wedding, your choice. Tell him your decision is final and refuse to be drawn on it again.

Have a lovely day!

Fully on your side here (I also didn't want my sister at my wedding but ahe was in her 40's ao even though her and her kids are feral I had no choice for the sake of family peace.

However, I did tell my bridesmaid that her kids were not invited. I don't know them, have never met them and frankly having heard her moaning about how poorly behaved they are I definitely didn't want them ruining the day fo us or her. She knew when I asked her to be a bridesmaid that her kids were not included and accepted this. She also wanted her dd to be a flower girl because "she didn't get to be one at my wedding as she was still only a baby".

However, she got wind that another bridesmaids children were invited. However, they are close family, all 3 my godchildren, I have known them since birth, see them regularly etc. Along with the fact after my stepson died 6 month before the wedding and my focus was on my dh not killing himself from grief and not her she spat her dummy out over a text that was not responded to within her strict acceptable tone frame, and resigned from bridesmaid duties and refused to come to the wedding. When I simply said "ok, thbaks for letting me know" she then harassed me for weeks for not fighting harder for her friendship.

It would be hilarious if we weren't all mid 40's and far too old for this level of drama!

Please yourself @keepdrivingg it is the one day in your life where you cam be legitimately selfish

People with young children sometimes, but not always, start viewing the world differently once they have one too. Same with dog owners. I'm definitely more pro cats since I acquired one. You see the other side a bit more. Not always, agreed.

Absolutely fair enough to want a child free wedding or a wedding in a far flung destination, or whatever else you fancy. It is your day. Her dad has been clear- him and child or neither, and whether he is being inflexible/unkind or not, OP has a choice to make.

We had a child free wedding, wasn’t an issue everyone found a sitter or had kids old enough to stay at home and everyone stayed over. We had a fab time and even now we’re told it was the best wedding because there were no kids, no child wrangling none of them missed out on having a great night some of them even called it their date night 😬

I’d suggest the wife stays at home with your half sister and dad can leave after the ceremony.

She's invited to the ceremony which is the most important part. Its just the after party knees up she isn't.
No doubt there will be an expectation that she is a flower girl and even if she's not a dress will be bought so she looks like she is.

Do you get on with his new wife ?

It's a half-sibling, not a full sibling that OP has grown up with and with whom she has shared experiences of their childhood and an adult relationship now. This isn't a family structure that OP had any say in, so she shouldn't have to invite her 2-year old half-sister if she doesn't want to.

The child is badly behaved and OP's grandmother will be guilt-tripped into watching her. She has told OP that she just wants to enjoy OP's wedding without having to do her usual child-care duties.

OP's dad seems to have coerced his mother to provide regular child care for the children from both his first and his second marriage. He sounds like a bit of a prick tbh.

I'm not sure that is the reason people are agreeing with OP though. At 2 a child will not remember being at a reception party for a wedding, they won't even remember the wedding but they will have photos they can look back on.

My BIL got married when our daughter was 3, they said she was welcome for the whole day, so I took her to the wedding day part, and then got a babysitter for the evening part as taking a 3 year old to a party is not really my idea of fun, there were no other small kids there, and I'd have been on edge with everyone drinking, I wanted to let my hair down and celebrate with them which is what we did.

You're doing the right thing by sticking to your guns IMO, but I'm interested to know how you let them know and if that has played a part of why they feel offended.

We had a great party after our wedding. My 2 year old niece was there and I wouldn't have had it any other way. A good time and children are not mutually exclusive.

I think that your dad has every right to be upset. We are talking about your SISTER here. I appreciate that it's your wedding day but this is off the scale.

yep your wedding, your call. I am imagine your dads new wife my feel abit pushed out by it, but it’s your wedding, your call.

she is a half sister isn’t she?

I think what you need to ask yourself is - will there be ongoing tension after the wedding with your Dad? And if there is likely to be ongoing tension would that bother you?

I do think you sister's attendance is symbolic for your Dad and maybe for your sister in the years to come. These events (weddings etc...) are fundamentally symbolic and do things that seem illogical take hold.