To not want to invite my sister to my wedding?

[keepdrivingg]

Fully aware that this is a delicate topic on Mumsnet so I know I might be flamed here.

My fiancé and I are currently planning a child free wedding.

For context, we are both on our 20s with no kids of our own. None of our friends have children yet either.

As such we’d like our reception to be child free in order to have a big bash where we can all freely drink etc without having to worry about any kids running around or knocking things over etc! I am also not generally a massive kid person (neither is partner!).

Anyway, as I said most people we know don’t have kids yet. The only real caveat to that is my dad has a much younger child. I have two brothers who are also in their 20s, dad got remarried a couple of years ago and as such now has a 2 year old.

Some additional info here is that I’m not massively close to dad and his idea of me spending quality time with sister is to babysit for free effectively. I question his and his wife’s parenting which involves essentially letting sister do what she wants so she doesn’t kick off. if we are ever all together at family events this usually involves my grandmother having an awful time trying to keep sister at bay whilst her parents do nothing. I love my grandmother dearly and therefore don’t want her attention taken up doing this on what she will view as my special day

Further context here is that when deciding about our wedding we agreed that it we wouldn’t mind family children attending the church ceremony. The reasoning being that they can then be in family pictures and be a part of the day. Then when we move to the reception this part will be adults only and kids will not follow along here. To add, dad’s wife’s parents have sister regularly and are happy babysitters, so not really an issue on the childcare side.

Anyway, dad has majorly kicked off. He said it’s completely unreasonable to not invite sister all day, she’ll be left out and upset and I’m being a horrible sister as it’s not fair to exclude her. We sort of went back and forth on this and he’s eventually said if she can’t come to the reception then they’ll all leave after the ceremony.

im hurt that he’s effectively chosen his younger daughter over me. I’d understand if she was say, 10, and would genuinely understand what’s going on and remember going home early, as well as knowing when to sit quiet etc. but at 2 all she’ll want to do is run riot and they will allow her to do so!

My fiancé has basically said stick to our guns and if my dad shows his true colours by leaving then we know where he stands in terms of valuing me and my wishes.

id like to know Aibu to follow through on this? Or should I give in?

She's TWO.

Even without the other context, that's enough. No, she won't be hurt. She won't remember and she probably won't even notice.

To answer a few questions/comments I’ve had!

@Greengage1983as my dad/his wife won’t parent her at all, it would be an evening of making sure we don’t stand on her or trip up over her, ensuring she’s not going where she shouldn’t or getting in danger etc. so no, not everyone’s happy, as either myself or my grandmother would have to be on constant supervision to ensure this didn’t happen

@NotThisShitAgain121you sum it all up very well!

@bigboykitty(and others who mentioned not inviting sister at all) this was the original plan. We’d actually said no children at all and dad had said this wasn’t fair as sister would love to be a flower girl and see us get married. We then said okay compromise and come to the actual wedding part and leave the reception for adult fun, and then the kick off ensued from there. I was trying to find a middle ground with the ceremony invitation!

@Anarchy99 this is exactly why I expect he won’t stop speaking to me 🤣

@MachineBeewe are quite tight on numbers anyway, and also I’ve met them maybe twice? So it would feel a little odd for them to attend!

@SandyHappywe’d initially said no kids at all and when he said sister would miss our special day we said how about she comes to the ceremony then she’s still involved? He wasn’t happy with this.

@ExtraOnionsi do see your point but equally as others point out she’s old enough to be my own child, so we will never have a typical sister relationship. That said I do send her Christmas gifts that are specially for her (alongside a general ‘to the family’ gift). Whenever I offer to see her it’s assumed it’s as an offer to babysit (“take her to the park on your own for bonding!”) as opposed to just spending time with her (like playing at home whilst they’re still around or all watching a film together etc). I don’t feel as though it’s particularly easy to have a relationship with her as anything other than backup childcare!

@AnonyMumAuDHDas mentioned this was the original plan! But also they have easy childcare so this isn’t really the barrier

@Ihatelittlefriendsusanthank you for sharing this, and I am so sorry to hear about your stepson ❤️ I agree really that surely this is my one day to be selfish? (as long as fiancé is also getting to be equally selfish!)

@8misskitty8yes deffo some flower girl issues but that’s a separate problem 🤣 don’t mind the new wife but we’re certainly not close and don’t have anything in common! She really doesn’t like my brothers though (not sure why!)

@thepariscrimefilesyep grandmother has been free childcare for a long time!

@Newyearawaitsi feel that you’re judging this from a typical sibling relationship, which if isn’t!

hope that answers some questions and gaps!!

She's invited to the day part. She'll be coo-ed over, swung about by Aunty Mary etc, a couple of photos and have some fun running about. Tired and ready for bed by 7.

She doesn't need to attend the evening. She's not missing out.

It's a perfectly workable situation. Your father is making it a tug of war.

it’s 100% his choice and that’s what you’ll tell people when they ask why your dad isn’t there at the party

That will probably be the next one "Oh and what will you tell people when I am not there?!" "I will tell them the truth, that you refused to come"

I have seen this idea a few times and I’m inclined to agree! As I said, the other suggestions such as childcare definitely don’t apply, it’s all based on this supposed “fairness” and “upset” which I just don’t think she’ll have at 2? She’ll surely just enjoy the bit she does go to and then go home none the wiser

Wedding days can be very long. If you want to be awake enough to enjoy partying with your friends in the evening you may want to plan in some down time for you and your spouse during the afternoon/ early evening. Otherwise you could find yourselves exhausted and ready for bed at the point in the day you'd been looking forward to.

If you concede on your tiny sister coming you need to pick a non-grandmother guest who can be given the task of supervising your dad + partner looking after her.

Exactly! The church has a huge park area so easy to run around and not be a bother or anything! To me it seems a perfect compromise

I wonder how much chaos and destruction one 2 year old can cause? You’re overreacting.

Wow it does sound like we’re living parallel lives! I am mostly invested for the sake of my grandmother, who would be upset if things fully broke down. We’re not particularly close but I also don’t want to go fully not speaking etc as it would upset her a lot

Are you paying for everything yourselves or is dad contributing?

Grandma has already asked if she can do a speech (before this kicked off!) so she will certainly be doing one. It therefore won’t be weird if he doesn’t do one as it will look like she’s taking the place of his slot

All other things aside, you should have the wedding day you want, OP. It sounds like it will be no hardship if your dad leaves after the service. You have to decide how much energy to invest in people who are so self-absorbed. Since you made the concession about your sister under duress, feel free to retract it since your dad is still spitting his dummy. Hope you have a fabulous wedding.

If it helps, I don't think he's choosing which child means more to him. He's choosing the path that will give him less of a headache, and would prefer to upset you than to cross his wife

Paying for everything ourselves with small help from grandparents for extras we couldn’t afford (eg church bells ringing) nothing from parents at all

Then it seems as though your dad is going to be difficult whatever you do to appease. You just have to keep saying : No children at the evening do. It’s up to you whether you want to bring the toddler to the ceremony.

And let him kick off. If he continues, tell him that perhaps he and new partner should simply not come given you are not that close anyway?

So much pressure to invite people who add nothing to our lives other than a DNA contribution 2-3 decades previously. When my mother kicked off, I left her to it. She didn’t come. Which was a relief to me, not least because until her paddy, I was going to pay her flights from South Africa and for a hotel. Her loss. My day was lovely and drama free, though. My children were subsequently very blessed by her absence in their lives, so it was the gift that kept on giving really.

[Sorry, that may be a bit flippant and perhaps you have unresolved feelings towards your dad that mean you’d dearly like him to be there.]

Clearly you havent had one of these horrors in your family, I am envious cos I have! Several of us avoided occasions where a particular cousin was attending with her child because of appalling behaviour that was ignored and allowed to continue rather than her actually doing some parenting.

Its not so much a two year old who is properly supervised and entertained, its the two year old with no boundaries whatsoever. Also there is a massive difference between a just turned two year old and an almost three year old.

With the way your dad is behaving I’d ask grandma to give you away as well!!

I think he’s always been like this tbh, anything for an easy life! But there comes a point when that is making a decision on what matters more even if it’s not intended that way

I stopped reading your post at the end & didn't go further so apologies if I've missed anything further.

You Mentioned you expect to be flamed. There will undoubtedly be posters who support you & your partners decision although I'm sorry to say I'm not one of them. I appreciate your fathers feelings. I can't imagine being invited to my sons wedding on the provision I send his brother home after the blessing regardless of his age. I also believe if it's a wedding where family & friends are invited there is no need to invite friends children. As far as family are concerned if they are immediate family such as parents,brothers & sisters, the invitation should be extended to all members of the family. You don't split them up & say I want you as a couple but I don't want your children. Family is family & like it or not children are a huge part of it. I'm not suggesting every couple with children should feel free to bring them along but immediate close family, absolutely yes.

Half sibling that she doesn’t have a sibling relationship with

It’s your wedding and you do it however you want. However it does seem strange that you will have a 2 year old in church but not at the reception ( particularly as you say she is badly behaved and likely not to sit quietly) so she can be in the photos and then pack her off with a babysitter. If it were me I would extend the no child rule throughout the day if that’s how you are feeling about not wanting children around the celebrations.

@keepdrivingg I don't know much about what your dad is like the rest of the time (although it's tempting to guess) but if I'm being generously-minded it sounds like he's concerned you don't see her as a sister...

If you're amenable to it, what about offering to make her a flower girl? Would that appease him?

It is one child though?

Oh my god this sounds like the recurring nightmares I’ve been having about what sister might do 🫣

Yep! I’d ask him to go for a coffee to have a chat about it.