AIBU to object to my mother-in-law visiting after bedtime on school nights?

[boymam25]

AIBU to not want my mother-in-law calling over after kids' bedtime on a school night? Context is this. I have a highly anxious, very spirited, little 4 year old who is a lot of work and an 8 month old baby. My husband works long hours and I'm often here by myself with the 2 kids for stretches of 10 hours plus. Sometimes bedtime is just me, sometimes DH is home to help. Baby is teething at present and 4 year old is going through his own stuff starting "big school" at the end of summer. Anyway, the time between 8.30 and 9.30 is the only time of the day I see DH. I was actually crying last night to my husband after a v stressful time when in walks MIL for a visit. Nearly 9pm. I'm sitting there in my pjs and can barely extend a welcome. I feel she knew it was inappropriate to come in as she made some odd comment about my nail varnish as she sat time, purely out of awkwardness. AIBU to want that hour of the day to myself?? I feel like she has no regard for our relationship and honestly, after she left, we ended up having a row about something totally unrelated as I was so burnt out.

Yanbu, but you’re going to have to tell her not to come round then. Say what you said here.

Why does she come round so late? Is she lonely?

How did she get in? Lock your door. I'd hate it too.

Does she have keys?

If so, get them back.

Who visits unannounced at 9pm?! Very strange and inconsiderate behaviour.

Does she live on the same street or something? Does she work shifts? Is it your husband she’s coming to see at that time? Is she lonely? Trying to see how she may think this is ok - it’s not - but just find this such an odd thing to do!

Sorry you’re having a stressful time with the kids at the moment 🙁

Was it a 1 off or is it a regular thing? Does she see you at other times? Was there a particular reason for her visit?

Basically YANBU but a little context would help.

I'd have hated that and I get that you need that downtime for yourself especially with such young children on your own. I think that you need to be honest that after bedtime on a school night doesn't work and barricade the door. Even if she's offended I think your needs come first here.

DH needs to tell her that is not a good time to come round unannounced. And if he doesn't, you will, and you won't be nice about it.

I'm usually in bed at 9!

I'm really bad at confrontation but I do think it's required here and that you're right. The issue is that she is a very difficult person. She would not see the issue calling round at that time because she figures I'd be going to bed soon with the baby anyway. Yes, she is widowed, but had been separated for 20 years before his death so she is used to not having someone around all the time... thanks for reply.

I actually locked the door recently at around 8 and unfortunately when she arrived she could see me changing the baby through the window and so DH opened the door ...

I'd be more concerned about a 4yr old who is highly anxious and still going through stuff all this time after starting school.

Bloody hell I hit unreasonable again as I scrolled down!
I want to say you are being unreasonable.

You'll need to tell her. Just say, we enjoy you coming around, but not so late at night and give her a time when it's okay to visit.

So you hit the right one?

He starts school in September, but I get the confusion because of the ‘after school’ in the thread title

Starting school this September. So presumably doing some “preparing for school” stuff etc at pre school.

I read it as the 4 yr old will be starting school this September.
Regardless that’s off topic of the central issue which is that the Op wants time to decompress in peace.

Thanks so much. She is very inconsiderate. Sometimes very unaware of others' needs. Selfish, basically. She lived 10 mins away. She's retired. DH and kids only saw her Sunday so it wasn't as if it had been ages. Prob is husband she wants to see... she's prob disappointed that I'm still up when she comes in. Which, in a weird way, I get. I'm now a Mam of 2 boys so that makes this tough for me. I may one day be in her shoes wanting to see my babies!

If my MIL had form for that, DH would probably be waiting outside Holloway soon, for my release.

@boymam25 your DH needs to have a word "mum, we love seeing you, but please stop dropping in after 6pm. It's bed, bath, stories and OUR time".

It's regular enough. Prob once or twice a week. She sees us at weekends mostly and sees my 4 year old once a week separate to me and baby I'd say.

Thank you. Yeah, he needs to balls up here.

Thanks. Sorry, bit of confusion here. He's still in preschool... a lot of anxiety about starting in primary school in September is what I meant.

pees I’d love dm / dmil to call over for a chat at night, when we lived closer we could do this and it was nice but if you find it tough then just arrange a day you’ll see her instead, that or give her some folding or a job to do to help out when she calls over

"Balls up" (or "balls-up") is a British slang phrase that means to spoil, mess up, or completely bungle a task or situation"

Wait so she comes around at 9pm once or twice a week???? I absolutely would not have this. How long has this gone on for? Have you told your husband you’re not happy with this? He needs to tell her to stop.

I’m a widow, I wasn’t separated and had no warning of impending widowhood - I would no sooner barge in on any of my DC/families than I would barge in on the neighbours without warning.

Some people are selfish - its nothing to do with age, background or wealth IME. Your DH needs to find his spine and tell her that its either a reasonable arrangement or visits to her place only.

I'm sorry for your loss. Thanks for your advice x