AIBU to object to my mother-in-law visiting after bedtime on school nights?

[boymam25]

AIBU to not want my mother-in-law calling over after kids' bedtime on a school night? Context is this. I have a highly anxious, very spirited, little 4 year old who is a lot of work and an 8 month old baby. My husband works long hours and I'm often here by myself with the 2 kids for stretches of 10 hours plus. Sometimes bedtime is just me, sometimes DH is home to help. Baby is teething at present and 4 year old is going through his own stuff starting "big school" at the end of summer. Anyway, the time between 8.30 and 9.30 is the only time of the day I see DH. I was actually crying last night to my husband after a v stressful time when in walks MIL for a visit. Nearly 9pm. I'm sitting there in my pjs and can barely extend a welcome. I feel she knew it was inappropriate to come in as she made some odd comment about my nail varnish as she sat time, purely out of awkwardness. AIBU to want that hour of the day to myself?? I feel like she has no regard for our relationship and honestly, after she left, we ended up having a row about something totally unrelated as I was so burnt out.

Get her to do the bedtime routine! She feels happy and needed, you get to relax.

This. Absolutely this. DH needs to get through to her that she can't expect to drop in uninvited, especially at a time that she has been told doesn't work for you as a family.

He needs to greet her at the door and tell her you're all busy and she can't come in.

I'm really bad at confrontation

It's your husband who needs have the confrontation, not you. He's the one who is actually enabling all this. It's his bloody mother, not yours! He needs to stop answering the door to her.

Yanbu, you really can tell the type of person by the stuff they do. Where is her brains? At that time the kids need to be winding down and bed, you catch up with your dh. Not sit and entertain his mother who just saw him 2 days ago. Be rude to her the next time she comes, make her feel uncomfortable and awkward

If you can’t get DH to set some boundaries, I’d message saying “I hope you didn’t think I was unfriendly the other night Janet. By 9pm I’m exhausted and it’s the only time I ever really get to see DH so it’s just not a good time to visit”.

Tell “D”H that either he’ll ask her (nicely) or you’ll tell her.
Then wait.

If she comes again then don’t let her in or if she’s let in by your “DH” say your piece and leave them.

You don’t “pop in” to people’s houses that late at night family of not!

Due to start school in August. And you don't mean you'd be more concerned you mean you'd judge it, your a mil and you think the dil is in the wrong. However you've misread

It's after bedtime. Kids have been in bed for several hours. Also no way my kids would want mil doing their bedtime routine which I think is the case for a lot of kids.

I'm always up for unexpected visitors and find the outrage on here about them really bizarre. But even I draw the line at turning up that late at night. It's ridiculous, even without the baby/child and just plain ignorant.

100%. You need to get that nipped in the bud.

That time after the chaos of getting kids settled is essential to your health and well-being. Different if MIL was actively wanted but sounds like a nuisance.

It does get easier as time moves on but you’re in the trenches right now so do what you need to do.

Oh dear, this is not a good set up. We literally moved cities to escape in-laws and what a relief no longer having pop ins etc. Invite only here these days!

The overriding question here for me is why on earth has your Dh, seeing how knackered you are and how it’s driving you mad, not yet told her a firm no? Who calls round at 9pm?! I’d be appalled.

Read one or two lines. Don't need the rest. You never need a reason for sharing your availability with friends and family. Especially where they feel comfortable working around their own schedule and their own preference. Just share your schedule and ask which of your days and times suits them.

Now you have been allowing this, it could be awkward changing it without causing offence, as it will make her feel like she did something wrong, when you could and should have just said no.

Phrase it as 'I need to switch up my schedule due to X, here are my days/times, let me know what suits and I'll prioritise you before sharing with others'.

Once or twice a week??!
Time for your DH to Summon His Spine.
If he cannot do that, I'd be saying things like oh, if you're coming by this evening, please come at 7 , you can put DC to bed while DH and I go out for a couple hours, thanks , byeeeeeee. 😁
Or anyway, I'd be getting very blunt. That's completely not on.

Why on earth would she decide it’s ok to rock up at that time. Let’s face it, most people don’t want a visit from someone on a mid week evening when they have a limited time to chill after the kids go to bed.

Why would he want to stop his mum.visiting?

It sounds like he would be better suited to someone who lives in more of a extended family. This individualism isn't right for everyone where your mum has to make an appointment to come round. There is no way either of us would take issue at any of our parents popping round at any time. It is why we live close to them.

Honestly, it is really sad how the dominant culture in this country have eradicated any semblance of family outside of the 1 or 2 kids they create.

You’re nuts. That time of day must be couples time for practically every couple in the country, whether they live with extended family or not.

OP I’d lock the door and draw the curtains too.

Any time can be couple's time. My mum or MIL coming over a couple of times a week at any time is perfectly welcome, but then I come from a culture with strong family values.

It isn't about you and what you would like.

Did you mean to sound so smug and superior in all your posts?

She needs to be told. Could you invite her round to help with tea and bed time?

Anxiety about school comes from the parent and pre school attitude towards it. Stop bigging it up, treat it like a non consequential thing and every time he mentions it be positive "you'll get new toys" "there will be new friends". Don't talk about it unless he does.

Is she popping round to see DH as you mention she knows you will be going to bed soon?
He needs to either stop her coming to you, or discuss going over to her for a visit.

Probably won't be the right thing to say, but would she be helpful if she came earlier to help with the children (as you mention finding it stressful sorting things alone).

Talk to your husband. Either invite her over early once a week to help with bed time, then she gets to see husband after; or get husband to visit her once a week after he has helped with bedtime; or just see her weekends. I think she just wants to see her son and is probably lonely, but this would have driven me crazy too!! The fact that its unannounced, and more than once a week, makes it far worse too!! I remember how tired I was after a day alone with kids.

I think this is a massive overreaction for what seems to be a single visit. Your tone is as though she’s trying to come over every night at 8pm but it’s one time.
You or your DH can just tell her it’s too late to visit at that time in the future.

You and dh need to be singing from the same hymn sheet, and if she calls round, just refuse entry. The only reason she’s calling around is because you’re permitting it. Start refusing entry.