AIBU to object to my mother-in-law visiting after bedtime on school nights?

[boymam25]

AIBU to not want my mother-in-law calling over after kids' bedtime on a school night? Context is this. I have a highly anxious, very spirited, little 4 year old who is a lot of work and an 8 month old baby. My husband works long hours and I'm often here by myself with the 2 kids for stretches of 10 hours plus. Sometimes bedtime is just me, sometimes DH is home to help. Baby is teething at present and 4 year old is going through his own stuff starting "big school" at the end of summer. Anyway, the time between 8.30 and 9.30 is the only time of the day I see DH. I was actually crying last night to my husband after a v stressful time when in walks MIL for a visit. Nearly 9pm. I'm sitting there in my pjs and can barely extend a welcome. I feel she knew it was inappropriate to come in as she made some odd comment about my nail varnish as she sat time, purely out of awkwardness. AIBU to want that hour of the day to myself?? I feel like she has no regard for our relationship and honestly, after she left, we ended up having a row about something totally unrelated as I was so burnt out.

I don’t think every couple in the county cut themselves off by default at 8:30pm simply just being in a couple.

Your dh needs to tell her if she wants to come over midweek do it at 6.45 and mind the baby for 2 hours while you put the oldest down and have a shower / cup or tea.

DH needs to tell her not to do it.

Would the language pedants like to take a day off?

Go over especially to have a cup of tea with MIL.

Thank her for her visits and add honest detail - that after dinner, unless it's a real emergency, eats into the only couple time you and DH have so could she please stop visiting after 6 pm..

Go on and give her a time that you find is best for you. Feedback given politely will inform her of what is appropriate.

It's not just a single visit though is it if you read OPs posts?

Id just piss off upstairs.

Then moan to DH every time.

...DH should be doing this, not OP. It's his mother.

Can't you read?

Perhaps the OP shouldn’t drip feed information then. Once a week is hardly crazy either. I wonder what the DH’s perspective is.

All OPs drip feed.

Also, it's very easy to read OP posts before joining in the conversation.

I mean, DC or no DC, I would say 9pm is too late for any visitors. Very strange behaviour.

Thing is you also have a DH problem because he lets her in when she arrives. HE needs to say that it is no longer convenient for her to visit in the week now that you have young children and one is starting school - and certainly not after 6pm - so they will have to make a plan for weekend visits only.

It will be hard for him as I suspect she has weaponised her single status and widowhood to manipulate your DH throughout his life - to some extent it can be a form of long term, low level but nonetheless pernicious abuse (coercive control). She actually does sound as though she has narcissistic personality traits, hence her being difficult. He needs to face this and may even need to consider some counselling to help him un pick and push back against her behaviour. But in essence - it is your home, your time, your children you are trying to manage and your time with your partner - especially in the evening - and she is not welcome at that time. YOU don’t have to accept it, so don’t.

You may need to start with a text: ‘just a heads up, now kids are getting older and more challenging, it doesn’t work for us for you to come over in the evenings during the week. Please do not call in until the weekend. DH will contact you to arrange a time that works for the children. Have a good week.’

We had problems with BIL and SIL dropping in for Sunday lunch most weeks, so I changed the time we ate. Only had to do it really a couple of times, but it suited our family time better, so we continued. They never came again uninvited.

What's your DH's stance on this ? Would he stick up for his mum if you said to him how you feel or have you already told him and if so how did he react ?
My DH used to work away during the week so we only had Fri pm and Sat and Sun to ourselves.
One of his adult sons would visit on a Sat, one on a Sun. Both lived nearby and there was no reason why they couldn't both visit on same weekend day, in fact they often swapped round, SS1 visiting on Sat , SS2 on a Sun, then the other way round. Always middle of the day and stayed hours so DH didn't want to go anywhere when he knew one would be visiting . I would suggest us going somewhere and he would make some excuse to stay in instead, then when one turned up l would know the real reason. Then one would want go for a drink with his dad on a Sat, they would ask the other but he would say no but I'll meet you tomo night instead dad.
I kicked off eventually and insisted DH tell them we were going out for the day on one w/e day and that we were going out on one of the w/e nights, just me and him. They weren't happy, even though still had plenty of opportunity to spend time with him to go at. They are close, get on well etc. so not as if trying to avoid each other either.
It almost seemed planned , especially by one of SS's.

Like me, l think you have a DH problem even though the other relative(s) are behaving inconsiderately.

I totally understand you feeling done, and I couldn't have visitors at that time, but whilst it is your only time of the day with him, it's also his only free time that he has so it's also the only time of day he can see his mother too. As a compromise maybe he can stop by for a quick visit to her once a week, so that it doesn't bother you because I can see why you don't want guests at that time, but he might want to see her/be a support for her too as she's on her own.

She didn't drip feed, she was asked a question about how regular it happened

I always wonder how these folk that consider everything a drip feed communicate with each other. Do they begin with a long speech that includes every detail and half their life story and then refuse to answer any follow up questions?

Your DH needs to speak to her and say that, whilst you all love seeing her, the evening is an inappropriate time for a visit so no more calling around unannounced at that time.

And if she could please communicate with you when she wishes to pop over at other times, that would be best.

It definitely needs to be done ASAP and it needs to come from him so it's not 'you' getting the blame, it's a collective decision.

Does he need to start in September? Can you give him another year to enjoy pre school.

Get a ring doorbell, and close the curtains early. I just wouldn't answer the door.

There was a SATC episode where Charlotte had this problem and it was solved by mil walking in whilst her and husband were having sex.

Tell her. I’ve told my in laws outright that we don’t have visitors after 8pm, so they need to leave by then. When I had my baby 4 months ago they sat on my sofa every day for weeks until 9pm sometimes, waiting to be offered a hold. Protect your peace

That sounds perfect.

I wouldn't have an issue with it, either now or when my kids were tiny. But I'm a night owl and rarely went to bed before midnight even when the kids were waking hourly. Certainly as a one off I wouldn't think it's a big deal, but I think a quick heads up phone call would be polite.

Given it's more frequent than that, maybe discuss it with your husband and come up with a compromise. I don't think there's any need for a row about it. Given your mum lives near baby your husband can pop over there in the evening instead?