How insistent should one be that 12yr old boy washes properly?

[aneveningatthecricket]

Son is 12, nearly 13. He is getting stinky arm pits but his hair is getting quite skanky.
Im like a dog with a bone regarding asking/telling him to wash his hair, clean his ears etc but I am definitely losing the battle.
I’m pretty much ignored if I’m honest with myself. He’ll come out of the bath or shower with dry hair. He never smells ‘fresh’.

Should I absolutely insist he washes thoroughly, including hair or should I just let it go? Honestly, I’m at the point where I’m on the verge of giving up and leaving him to it.

The thing is, it’s the same story with making his bed or brushing his teeth.
His dad doesn’t really see a problem and couldn’t care less if son doesn’t make his bed and wouldn’t notice if he didn’t wash his hair for a week/month.

I’m not over the top with my requests, just basic self care. He’s not depressed or anything like that.

YABU to let it go and give up trying or

YANBU to absolutely insist on standards and start giving consequences if he doesn’t comply

He needs to fully wash or else his phone/games etc are removed for a day each time. If that doesn’t work they’re removed for a week. It is important that he washes because I will not live with a smelly person. That is unfair.

Otherwise he will become a stinky adult.

Assuming he’s not discovered girls then? When I was that age, I kept myself immaculate despite lots of sport because no girl wanted a manky, smelly lad. But you just don’t want to be known as that smelly kid.

He needs to get a sense of pride.

I watched a reel of a comedian recently that has this problem. He told the boy next shower he has, he was washing him. Long story short, after one thorough washing by his father, he now has a clean child 😂

Cleaning none negotiable.

I made dc wear swim trunks and supervised washing. Twice and he got the message to wash himself

You need to cut the wifi for your son.

You need to read the riot act to your H.

You are living with a pair of pigs who have no self respect or respect for you.

'I love you too much to let your teeth rot / to let you go out smelling like a football sock'. Mine found a way to argue with almost anything, but you can't argue with love..

I did also point out that he would be the first to complain if one of us smelt like a hot fart and he did have to concede that it was unfair to inflict his stink on anyone else!

My son, now 16. Wasn't keen on washing his hair or showering for awhile. For his hair, I started asking if he wanted me to wash it in the sink. He agreed to that and I also bought him some decent shampoo for his curls. As for showering I would walk by and whisper to him "I think you need a shower and put those clothes down in the laundry room" Didn't work every time but it did work.

My 12 year old is the same. I make him but it's exhausting and stressful. My 15 year old used to be the same but he discovered girls eventually and then he started washing.

My son was like this at this age. It really was a phase because after a while the skanky hormones declined and the sex hormones clearly increased, he started noticing girls as more than mates... Couldn't keep him out of the shower. All the body sprays he'd accumulated from Christmas gifts seemed to fill the house with a choking fug.

Eventually there was a happy medium.

This IS the hill to die on. What child wants to be the smelly one at school? None. So protect your child from himself!

The rule in my house is no one leaves unless they’re clean with brushed teeth and hair. If they’re running late I’ll help (lifts etc) but there are minimum standards and that’s mine. You wash, use deodorant and clean/brush teeth and hair.

This has been discussed very calmly and agreed with DD 19 and DS 15 since pre-puberty and then enforced firmly later on. As I said, no kid wants the social suicide of being known as the ‘smelly’ one.

I am actually very relaxed overall as a parent, this is an agreed standard in our house though and I will never change it.

Haha same.

My daughter was similar too. Body odour like a brick layer during a heatwave.
Of course I'd encourage her to shower, had to show her how to pull shower head down and tie her very long thick hair up so it didn't get wet, but in spite of having her own deodorant in her room, I think she just forgot to put it on.

Then it was showering every night, different deodorants and body sprays, facial skin care, the dentist always praised her on her teeth.

If they're all the same at a certain age probably none of them bother.

surely you start at age 3 when they start being in the tub by themselves. coming out of the tub (then later shower) nightly you sniff and reinforce if they've done a good job.
it's not something you start at age 13.

Yes but adorable little three year olds LOVE a bath and can't wait to get all bubbly. Wannabe skanky teens suddenly realise they have bodily autonomy and sometimes take it a bit far when it comes to avoiding the boring parts of growing up.

I also found that having a Bluetooth speaker in the bathroom helped as then they can listen to podcasts or music to help them through the sheer boredom of showering! 🚿🧽🧼

I would be standing outside the bathroom and telling him that unless he comes out clean I will go back to bathing him like a five year old. His choice.

😂😂😂😂

As if the boy hasn't been having baths and showers all his life.

'It's basic personal hygiene and as such is non negotiable' is a phrase I repeat a lot in this house. I am also quite prepared to put my 12 year old in the shower fully clothed if he refuses. Thankfully I have only had to threaten this, not actually go through with it.

It wears thin but at the same time teeth brushing and showering is a hill I will absolutely die on.

Ali Saddiq? The minute I saw this thread I thought of that skit

My uncle go to the stage of paying his teenage son £5 every time he had a shower. Money was the only thing that motivated him..... Im not condoning this, but I know how desperate this can get!

Consistent use of Perspirex deodorant (roll on) got rid of the locker-room stench when DS was going through puberty. It carries on working for a couple of days even if they forget. CeraVe foaming face wash was a good find, too.
Smelly damp trainers and polyester-mix school uniform were other culprits.
But then I met his University room-mate who was lactose intolerant but did nothing to avoid dairy.
Holy moly that lad was stinky, in spite of showering daily!

YANBU. I might be tempted to bargain more nagging about bed making in exchange for proper showering and teeth cleaning. Bed making failure won't damage teeth or friendships and you can close the door on it.

It’s a common phase. I can remember going to the effort of running a bath, but just wetting my hair and body then sitting on the toilet seat reading a book and occasionally splashing the water a bit with my foot. It would have been easier to have a bath!

I believe it was on here that I read how a Dr revealed that after certain examinations, every single man (or maybe 9 out of 10) that had been sat on her medical bed left ‘deposits’.

That has stayed with me! For my DS it’s absolutely non-negotiable and a daily bath or shower whatever moaning takes place is completely non negotiable. If he can’t do it properly then he has to do it with the door open and full instructions shouted through to him. He takes it seriously now and has a range of his own products he uses.

People can be pretty and petite and still have poor hygiene. It's not just fat, ugly blokes! I'm sure it's only a phase though. X

Totally non negotiable. We all remember the stinky kids at school.

Some kids don’t realise how fortunate they are having access to warm water and clean clothes daily. I didn’t but my goodness I made sure I was spotless when I left the house.

My kids shower every night. Older one has always been brilliant but her bedroom would give you nightmares. I am willing to tolerate it so far.
Young one, stinky nightmare and is often sent back in to wash her hair again or get busy with the soap. I’m hoping she turns the corner soon.

One of my relatives absolutely stinks and although being an adult hasn’t seemed to clock this. I can’t even sit in the same room as them. I can’t tell when they have been in the house. Disgusting behaviour.

Personally I think putting making beds and washing/teeth brushing in the same basket confuses things. Washing and teeth brushing are personal hygiene and are absolutely critical. You can’t go through life being smelly with oily hair and bad breathe - it affects people around you who have to smell you and look at you, it causes people to make negative assumptions that you are lazy and incompetent generally because you can’t manage basic hygiene, and limits your prospects with friends, jobs and romantic. relationships.

Whether or not you make your bed is a private matter for you that no one else knows about and has no affect on anyone. DH and I don’t generally bother to make ours, and while I do like getting into the freshly made bed the one day a week our cleaner has changed the sheets and made the bed, it’s not a priority in the mornings and it doesn’t matter because I won’t see it again until I’m about to climb back into it at night.

If I were you, I’d give up on the bed making requests and definitely not treat them as on par with the washing requests.