How insistent should one be that 12yr old boy washes properly?

[aneveningatthecricket]

Son is 12, nearly 13. He is getting stinky arm pits but his hair is getting quite skanky.
Im like a dog with a bone regarding asking/telling him to wash his hair, clean his ears etc but I am definitely losing the battle.
I’m pretty much ignored if I’m honest with myself. He’ll come out of the bath or shower with dry hair. He never smells ‘fresh’.

Should I absolutely insist he washes thoroughly, including hair or should I just let it go? Honestly, I’m at the point where I’m on the verge of giving up and leaving him to it.

The thing is, it’s the same story with making his bed or brushing his teeth.
His dad doesn’t really see a problem and couldn’t care less if son doesn’t make his bed and wouldn’t notice if he didn’t wash his hair for a week/month.

I’m not over the top with my requests, just basic self care. He’s not depressed or anything like that.

YABU to let it go and give up trying or

YANBU to absolutely insist on standards and start giving consequences if he doesn’t comply

Hexactly!

No wash no wifi.

Passing the sniff test (lucky mum!) required.

The bed, god just leave it.

Washing, insist.

Not all things are equal here

I’m in bed listening to my DD shower going for about the last 20mins. That’s the argument in our house.

Perfect!

It’s hard work. But persist! We also had the chat about being smelly etc. following you through school. But there was still a fair bit of being on his case about it (until he became obsessed by his hair). But also watch out for t-shirts getting smelly pits at that age. I went through a lot of dettol laundry and vinegar when I realised some of the boy smell was actually coming from freshly washed t-shirts rather than him.

My Dsis has two teenagers, they take a daily 30 minute shower each. They cost a fortune.

I really wouldn’t bother about making the bed. But not stinking is essential. Shower and teeth clean.

Op my son was like this age 12, I nageged daily but it wasn’t until age 16 something clicked and now he showers daily and properly cares, but you honestly can’t give up, but just I feel for you

Hygiene is non-negotiable.

I would let the bed-making go tbh. It’s his room, it’s not causing problems, there’s no negative consequences to an unmade bed.

Absolutely this!!! Decent personal hygiene is not optional.

You could however have a conversation with him about when he’d like to shower and maybe involve him in product choice. My DS (also 13) decided he’d prefers to get his shower over with as soon as he’s home from his after school activities when he gets out of his uniform, and then often gets straight into his PJs. Personally I think that’s odd and the normal times to shower are either first thing in the morning or last thing at night, but what matters is that he has a shower once every 24 hours and it doesn’t matter when. Also, he has recently gotten fussy about how he wears his hair and got me to buy him some mad influencer brand shampoo which was mildly overpriced but the few extra quid is worth it to not have to battle with him about hair washing. Ditto letting him choose his own deodorant.

Mine were showering every day from when they started secondary school. Just part of the morning routine. Their duvet is pulled back to allow the bed to air during showering and once they are dressed they then flip the duvet back into place. Bed made.This isn't sheets and blankets, just a duvet, not hard to do.

I showed them photos of metal pegs drilled into the jaw bone because if you lose a tooth that is how they give you a new one. Also horrific tartar build up photos. Even bought disclosure tablets when they were little so they could see if they were brushing effectively. So teeth brushing has always happened.

How to help them remember all this> Wipeable daily tick chart on a noticeboard in their room. Some things are daily, others were on set days like strip the bed to put it into the washing machine. Dishwasher emptying days and bin emptying too. Tick charts are available on Etsy.

The tick chart means they don't have to remember everything just to look at the chart, you don't have to nag. But there are expected levels of cleanliness, this includes body, including a monthly testical check in the shower, armpit scrubbing with a bar of soap, cleaning under the foreskin and clean clothes. Non-negotiable. Yes I have sons, they are now young adults and are clean and tidy.

As we had their phones overnight, they only got them back if their daily tasks were all done.

Oh I hated this stage! We had exactly the same thing. I eventually did give up for a bit, hoping it would reach a crisis point by itself. And it did. There was one particular family
occasion when it was very hot and genuinely he absolutely stank. It was horrible. But I think it was a self wake up call. Not long after this he suddenly went to showering every day without anyone asking. He’s now gone the opposite and for many years (he’s 19) has insisted on showering twice a day and hates feeling unclean in anyway. It is a stage, I promise! I think he was 13.5-14 when it changed.

My ds (12) started with this behaviour not so long ago. He had previously been perfectly capable of coming out of the shower clean and fresh, he had just slipped into not doing a proper job of it as puberty started to hit.

It soon stopped when he got frog marched back to the bathroom, with me camped outside, dictating exactly what to wash, and in which order, every time he came out of the shower inadequately clean. He seemed to decide that doing it properly first time was an easier option.

Please don't let it slide op. No one likes a soap dodger

Buy him some male shower gel and anything to encourage cleaning..electric toothbrush.
I rem my sibling sitting in the bathroom running the shower at that age...filthy bugger.

Absolutely stay on top pf his hygiene and make sure he does either by ordering him or having consequences. I’ll still go in to wash DS11 if he has smelly armpits/bum/willy!

How insistent? Very.

I reckon fully 90% of parenting is just saying the same thing over and over and over and over again. 🙇🏼‍♀️
Your kid’s dad needs to be saying the same thing. It’s not just down to you.

I remember this Well, I gave my son two options shower at night Before bed or before school in the morning with no negotiation, it worked just have to be very firm

Please insist. Think of his teachers if nothing else.

I think teens and probs 12 going on 13 year olds need good long showers. Hair wash at least twice a week too. Good deodorant. The only thing I don't quite understand is 'washing ears', not sure what that means.

Re bed making - definitely insist on that. If it's a duvet, it's just so simple

Tell him you'll do it for him if he doesn't wash properly and wash his hair, that should scare him into doing it himself.

His dad doesn’t really see a problem and couldn’t care less

I think that this might be contributing to the issue, no?

We do not suffer this in our house, I have drummed into everyone that not being clean is not an option.

Insist. Be very clear that nobody, nobody at all enjoys being in proximity to someone who stinks and that people draw conclusions about people that can't be bothered to wash themselves. That's really all there is to it.

It’s strange because I was quite bad as a young teen at keeping myself clean, possibly ADHD. But my own son is scrupulously clean and always has been. He had a few kids in school who he said “smelt of wee” and I think it worried him that anyone who would ever think of him in that way!

The bed- don’t care

the showering and washing hair - yes, you need to insist.

we used disclosing tablets for teeth brushing - they had to show me their mouth with the dye on and then show me it was all gone.

we used to send my son back to the shower to wash his hair properly if he didn’t pass the sniff test.

fortunately this too passes.

DS was like this at that age. The good news is that within the next year or so they discover girls and then become obsessed with the shower. Hang in there. It won’t last forever.