How insistent should one be that 12yr old boy washes properly?

[aneveningatthecricket]

Son is 12, nearly 13. He is getting stinky arm pits but his hair is getting quite skanky.
Im like a dog with a bone regarding asking/telling him to wash his hair, clean his ears etc but I am definitely losing the battle.
I’m pretty much ignored if I’m honest with myself. He’ll come out of the bath or shower with dry hair. He never smells ‘fresh’.

Should I absolutely insist he washes thoroughly, including hair or should I just let it go? Honestly, I’m at the point where I’m on the verge of giving up and leaving him to it.

The thing is, it’s the same story with making his bed or brushing his teeth.
His dad doesn’t really see a problem and couldn’t care less if son doesn’t make his bed and wouldn’t notice if he didn’t wash his hair for a week/month.

I’m not over the top with my requests, just basic self care. He’s not depressed or anything like that.

YABU to let it go and give up trying or

YANBU to absolutely insist on standards and start giving consequences if he doesn’t comply

As much as I’m sure it’s probably a teenage boy type phase, it is something that you must persist - good luck x

Of course you should insist he is clean and fresh. Send him back in the shower until it’s done properly. It’s utterly disgusting that at 13 years old he’s not able to even be basically hygienic.

Apply sanctions if he won’t wash himself properly…he’ll soon scrub his pits if the WiFi is turned off and his phone removed ffs! 🤯😵‍💫

Hygiene, medication, politeness and school are all non negotiable in our household.

Has his dad bothered to teach him how to take care of his intimate hygiene?

I think they call it parenting. It’s about teaching our kids to be likeable adults who understand society and that everyone should be pleasant to be near on bus or train or shop queue, or classroom or workplace.
It is literally your job as a parent to teach him to be clean and to not stink of stale sweat, old poo, greasy hair and all the other nasty body fluids .
So keep on reminding him every day he needs a shower, teeth cleaned and hair washed as often as needed.

No washy... no WiFi...

You have a huge DP problem if he doesn't think it's a problem for his own son not to wash or brush his teeth 😷🤢

It's one thing for him to learn the hard way about being smelly but it would be negligent parenting for you to ignore the toothbrushing issue.

Unless he were incredibly sick or suicidal, some things are just non-negotiable. Fight the good fight OP. I'd be absolutely insisting on full back up from his useless father. How unpleasant is he to be around in summer??

No phone or screens in our house but there are other things I can take away, like his mountain bike or cricket practice…

No not at all. Thank you for saying it’s not just my job! Honestly it’s only me that seems to care about it at all. (His dad washes daily)

PS Also, you should not tolerate the cheeky little skank ignoring you. Consequences - switch his wifi off for starters. Or other things he likes.

Yes. Persevere. Painful though it maybe!

He will appreciate it in the long run - even if he never fully acknowledges it.

The good news is girls (or boys) will appear on the scene soon - enter in the age of Linx*. That stuff is strong!! At times you will almost wish he was back to not showering!

*Other brands are just as bad interesting

Currently fighting the same battle OP, if you figure it out let me know!

Thank you, I needed to hear this. I can’t just give up but it absolutely drives me insane! Again, it’s only me who has any issue with any of this. I’m like a broken record and he’s deaf to it now.
so disheartening.

Yes we had to persist with sweaty teen. Thank god he’s an adult with a girlfriend now!

DD is 11.5yo and whilst she will wash, I need to tell her. It's all "do I haaaave to...."

Yes, yes you do.

It is odd, as she is very pretty/ petite - she has that kind of elfin thing that young dancers and gymnasts have - very svelte and neat hair - but does not want to have bath.

I insist though!

It’s exhausting!

i must have asked him to make his bed every day for 9 or 10 years. He still doesn’t 9 times out of 10.

Mothering is a thankless job.

Hygiene is non negotiable in our house. DS showers daily and has done since he turned 12. If he didn’t wash, he didn’t go out, end of. DH taught him how to wash his private parts, your DH should be doing the same

Yeah it’s non-negotiable. Buy him some nice products to use. Maybe some aftershave too. Maybe he’ll start enjoying smelling nice!

if whiffy -no wifi

@aneveningatthecricketit's pretty normal for teens to have this phase. they push boundaries and also undergo massive bodily and hormonal changes that they need to get used to.

fwiw that age I had to send my teens back to actually use soap. after they have stood under the shower for what felt like an hour.

Hygiene was non negotiable in our house. Our youngest was given the choice, get in the shower, get scrubbed or DH would do it for him, we never had another issue because he knew DH was true to his word. We never had an issue with the rest of our children. It was the same rules for rooms, beds made daily, dirty clothes in laundry baskets, the rooms had to be hoovered, dusted and clean bedding put on weekly. They all showered daily too. Your DH should be setting an example, it’s disgusting not brushing teeth at least twice a day.

My son Is 15.

as soon as I noticed teenage smells, greasiness and spots I was on it.

my 2 elder boys were the same and their Dad ( now ex) was dismissive and said that it’s normal ( of course it is!) but I should leave alone and let them deal with it themself so not to embarrass them.

they later admitted that it was their peers at school that told them to use deodorant and that they smelt so they were both mortified.

so I’m on it with my youngest son.

I explain how being a bit smelly and looking grubby can follow a kid through school and make life really uncomfortable for them. He has deodorants, his own body wash he chooses himself, shampoo and I ensure he puts spot cream on his face as he has the inevitable teenage skin.

its under control and I started early so its second nature to him now.

you’re being a good mum by making him take accountability for his own hygiene …

in my opinion think it’s 100% our job as parents to teach and enforce good hygiene standards. And to ensure they dont have rotten teeth!
my boys are 11, 6 and 2 though so I’m yet to experience the joys of preteen/teen. But I wrestle toddler to brush teeth twice a day for 2 minutes, and I still go over the 11year olds if he’s missed any areas!

Yes. You’ll have to bring in punishments or a deal
of some sort to help him get motivated.

I can still hear my cousin (who is an excellent parent) saying

“have you had a shower?”

Teen son “yes Mum”

Cousin “have you had a shower today?”

Son is now a doctor so her work paid off. But she did have to work at it at the time.