That I will never talk to some people again…

[MyWildOliveGoose]

I’ve recently been through one hell of a health battle. Not one that necessarily affects anyone else but did change my quality of life significantly. I was unable to work and suffered severe fatigue, alongside other symptoms ofcourse but I managed it.

All I asked of anyone around me, was just to be the same with me, invite me out as they usually would, check in occasionally as they usually would, and pop round for a cuppa on a whim as they usually would.

I am the type of person, that my house is an open door policy to friends, family etc.. and I have BBQs through the summer, cocktail/mocktail evenings at Christmas, games nights etc all no invite necessary, I just let people know and they were welcome if available, and this is a life I’ve always adored.

For the first few months after my diagnosis things remained the same, although I was fatigued I ensured I kept up the life I’d built and relationships I valued. I never said no to a meet up, went to events to support my friends and we had a rule that we would only talk about my health if and when necessary as I really didn’t want it to always be the topic of discussion all the time. I had a games night, and a BBQ and everything went well. I needed more help cleaning up after than usual but no one seemed to mind.

After summer last year, everything changed. The girls group chat I was in with my closest friends fell silent, I noticed by October none of them had even messaged to say hello for weeks, and social media was showing me that I was no longer being invited to our usual coffees and walks, brunches, BBQs at other friends houses etc. I let it pass as I have other groups of friends unconnected and these relationships were only getting stronger, which was nice.

Fast forward to now, there’s been absolutely no contact between myself and that group since summer last year other than me sending happy birthday messages, merry Christmas etc however I had nothing from them on my birthday or Christmas - not even a reply. I’m honestly not even sure what I’ve done. It’s only a group of 5 of us. It has caused me quite a bit of upset as I thought we were close friends.

Anyway, I’ve just done a month in hospital and now I’m finally on the road to recovery. I have received some messages from the friends in this group. They’re not even necessarily just wishing me well, they do ofcourse, however they’re also fishing for information. I’ve simply replied thanking them for their well wishes, and ignoring the questions. Which then, I have noticed, caused another person to message wishing me well, and ask the same questions. I gave them the same blanket response.

Am I being unreasonable in the fact; before this, I had decided I just didn’t want to speak to any of them ever again and chose not to? Ofcourse I won’t be rude and I will thank them for well wishes but that’s just that. I have nothing else to say. In my mind, we aren’t friends anymore.

Well it sounds to me like they have been kept at arms length about an important topic - important to both you and them - and that is your health. They don't know how well or ill you are. They therefore don't know how to act with you, whether and how to include you in group activities. They don't feel they can ignore the elephant in the room that is your health. You're being so cryptic hasn't allayed any of their concerns or questions, its probably made them worse. I don't think you are being very understanding of how tricky it is to negotiate a friends illness at times.

I don’t know why you are getting a hard time from some on here but above post nailed it.

you are like me and if I were ill I would not

like to be chatting about my illness at every meet up, I would want it not to be me me me all the time, and would want it to be like as before.

I can tell you kept the relationship on an even keel even when ill. But this group for whatever reason set up a new what’s app group and carried on without you, it’s obvious. U thought you were close, but it’s so hurtful they did not get in touch at Xmas or your bday! They are not good friends. But even when v ill, you have messaged them on their birthdays etc! They did not show you this thoughtfulness back!

so now they are sniffing round for info as they realised that they can’t be arsed to host their own BBQs or have everyone round to theirs, as good old Olive will do all the work n host it!

You said u had another group who were the opposite, and are constantly there for you. Do yourself a favour and stick with this group.

So sorry for what you’ve been through - you are a better person than me because I would have told this group what I think of their friendship and cut them off completely.
It’s true that you find out who your real friends are when going through a tough time.

Has anyone else in this group gone through anything challenging OP? Any other illnesses/losses/divorce etc? I am HIGHLY suspicious of the weird nosey texts they all sent - especially after you didn't answer the first lot. It makes me wonder if they have all been gossiping about you. Which would in turn suggest that they have never struggled or gone through anything difficult, because if they had, they wouldn't be turning your struggles into entertainment.

These women are not your friends. You're doing the right thing letting them go.

Hi Op, sorry to hear that amongst all your health battles, you're also dealing with the sadness that comes with realising people aren't what you thought they were.
One thing I'm wondering about is the fact that they kept bringing conversations round to your health situation.
I would feel really shit about moaning about my life or regaling you with stories of things going well for me when I knew you were suffering so maybe that's why conversations kept returning to your condition...?
I remember once giving out about my mum to a friend who had previously lost her mum and she was upset with me for being so insensitive.
Sometimes people do the wrong thing by trying to do the right thing.

OP can you tell us more about the "political disagreement" because this might also have something to do with it. Did you stop talking to them after this happened?

People fall away when we become ill or disabled. A lot more people than would admit it, they just CBA with the empathy and the change required to continue on an even keel. It changes what boxes you fit into in their heads. It disrupts the status quo and inevitably makes things harder or less fun (no fault of yours at all, of course).

No great loss, but it will unfortunately hurt and take years to realise that, in my experience.