That I will never talk to some people again…

[MyWildOliveGoose]

I’ve recently been through one hell of a health battle. Not one that necessarily affects anyone else but did change my quality of life significantly. I was unable to work and suffered severe fatigue, alongside other symptoms ofcourse but I managed it.

All I asked of anyone around me, was just to be the same with me, invite me out as they usually would, check in occasionally as they usually would, and pop round for a cuppa on a whim as they usually would.

I am the type of person, that my house is an open door policy to friends, family etc.. and I have BBQs through the summer, cocktail/mocktail evenings at Christmas, games nights etc all no invite necessary, I just let people know and they were welcome if available, and this is a life I’ve always adored.

For the first few months after my diagnosis things remained the same, although I was fatigued I ensured I kept up the life I’d built and relationships I valued. I never said no to a meet up, went to events to support my friends and we had a rule that we would only talk about my health if and when necessary as I really didn’t want it to always be the topic of discussion all the time. I had a games night, and a BBQ and everything went well. I needed more help cleaning up after than usual but no one seemed to mind.

After summer last year, everything changed. The girls group chat I was in with my closest friends fell silent, I noticed by October none of them had even messaged to say hello for weeks, and social media was showing me that I was no longer being invited to our usual coffees and walks, brunches, BBQs at other friends houses etc. I let it pass as I have other groups of friends unconnected and these relationships were only getting stronger, which was nice.

Fast forward to now, there’s been absolutely no contact between myself and that group since summer last year other than me sending happy birthday messages, merry Christmas etc however I had nothing from them on my birthday or Christmas - not even a reply. I’m honestly not even sure what I’ve done. It’s only a group of 5 of us. It has caused me quite a bit of upset as I thought we were close friends.

Anyway, I’ve just done a month in hospital and now I’m finally on the road to recovery. I have received some messages from the friends in this group. They’re not even necessarily just wishing me well, they do ofcourse, however they’re also fishing for information. I’ve simply replied thanking them for their well wishes, and ignoring the questions. Which then, I have noticed, caused another person to message wishing me well, and ask the same questions. I gave them the same blanket response.

Am I being unreasonable in the fact; before this, I had decided I just didn’t want to speak to any of them ever again and chose not to? Ofcourse I won’t be rude and I will thank them for well wishes but that’s just that. I have nothing else to say. In my mind, we aren’t friends anymore.

That’s really hurtful, OP. I wonder if you were effectively the driver in the group so when you weren’t taking things forward and making plans things just didn’t happen. It still means they were not being good friends, but might explain the silence?
in answer to your question, I think it’s understandable you wouldn’t want to be friends any more. Will you bump into each other at some point? Can you ask any of them what happened from their perspective and say how hurt you were?

Im sorry youre having such a shitty time.

What information are they fishing for? Who are the beneficiaries in your will???

It's odd that they've ALL become so distant, as if co-ordinated as a group. Is one a "leader" and the others fall in line with her?

Or was that person actually you?

Or is it a case of like attracts like so they always were fairly nasty?

Hard to speculate without knowing the group dynamics.

More information needed, OP. Are you saying that you were continuing to socialise as usual with all your friendship groups, hosting and going out etc, and that suddenly, with no change on your part, no increase in illness etc, one group just stopped getting in touch or inviting you to the things you usually do together? ETA And what @BMW58 said.

You say that you were really ill but showed no signs of it, carried on as before. You've been secretive about your recent stay in hospital. Maybe they think that you are not being totally truthful?

And, as ever, if they are such good mates why can't you phone somebody up / arrange a meet-up and just talk to them?

Why are you reluctant to answer questions? Isn't that part of friendship?

Or they simply have no idea how ill the OP is, if she carried on socialising as before, rationed information, had a rule about only talking about her health when she deemed it necessary — it’s not even clear how the group knows she’s been in hospital for a month if she’s had no contact with them since summer of last year?

One is definitely a leader, I suppose. She’s the youngest of us, probably the most fun, and fairly bitchy but we all tend to just take that with a pinch of salt. I wouldn’t say the group in general was nasty. She and I did have a fall out last year, it was over differing political opinion, but I thought we’d put it past us.

They’re asking when I’m going to be “better”.. if I’m returning to work, when I’ll be “firing all cylinders” and having BBQs etc again.. The beneficiaries in my will are my children, no one else at all.

Well, there you go, then. The friendship group was largely based on you hosting a lot, and when you stopped because of your illness, your value in the group dropped.

I didn’t say I showed no signs of it, I said I ensured I kept up with relationships I valued, so I continued to show up for my friends despite my deteriorating health.

I noticed that people would constantly ask for updates, so I openly spoke with them and said I would update when necessary but that I didn’t want to talk about it every time/all the time. It was draining having the same conversation every time. Maybe that’s what I did wrong.

edited to add.. I did call/text/message at first but after so many calls and messages with no response I stopped, should I desperately chase these friendships forever?

They also know I’ve been in hospital because they saw a post from a family member on social media.

I guess so.. bitter pill to swallow.

Oh, agreed. I’m sorry, OP. But from what you say, other friendships have strengthened or remained stable.

If you’ve travelled value some (by the sound of it, not all) of the friendships with this group, I’d talk to that person or people separately and say what you’ve said on here.

It sounds like you've got people's backs up OP, maybe inadvertently. You admit a falling out with the ringleader of the group and you know she's bitchy so it shouldn't come as a surprise that she's edged you out. I wonder if you setting rules about people asking how you are has upset them? If they're asking out of genuine concern and to be supportive, it may feel like a rebuke to be told you don't want to talk about it?

Anyway, if you're feeling let down by them and you have other friends, it's fine for you to choose not to have further contact with them.

Sorry, don’t know where the ‘travelled’ came from!

They also know I’ve been in hospital because they saw a post from a family member on social media.
But did you tell them, keep them in the loop; or did they hear from 'strangers'. I don't know them and I don't know you but , from an outside perspective, there seems to be a lot of keeping them at a distance ,,, and then wondering why they are annoyed.

Well, or not even ‘annoyed’, more ‘ @MyWildOliveGoose doesn’t want us to talk or ask about her illness so what are we supposed to do?’

We haven’t spoken for nearly a year, so no, I didn’t message them to say I was in hospital. I don’t believe that is necessary.

I’ve never had to deal with serious health issues before, and I tried to manage this in a way that didn’t cause anyone to treat me like I am not myself. I wanted things to remain normal, I updated friends and family when necessary aka when there were updates.

However, it became a topic of discussion at every brunch, or coffee, or BBQ and I was so tired of it so I politely asked for that to stop, as I could only provide updates when there were any. I wanted to continue talking about normal things, not my health and I don’t think people who haven’t had severe health issues understand how much those that do just need normality with their people.

And I absolutely get that, but surely you can see the potential for friends feeling pushed away if you’re visibly exhausted and unwell, but they’re not allowed to talk about it, or, alternatively, they end up completely underestimating how serious your condition is, because you’re pretending you’re fine, dragging yourself out to other people’s stuff, hosting as usual?

I wasn’t out and about 7 days a week, maybe once a fortnight.. sometimes less but I would always update and have those conversations when there was something to say.

I can understand that maybe it was hard to know what to talk about for them; but it literally was just a case of me wanting to talk about normal things. One of my friends got engaged, we didn’t talk about that though because she only wanted to talk about how I was doing, and I wanted to be excited about her news. Another friend moved into her first home, but we didn’t talk about that either, my “welcome to your new home” gift was met with “how are you doing? Any updates?” it was all too much.

Maybe I did shut down slightly because of this, however I did try and continue to have normal relationships and normal conversations for a while after.

It sounds like you’ve all been through a tricky patch in your friendship.
It sounds like you’ve made the decision to cut them loose, which is a shame, but your prerogative.
The alternative is to suggest a reset, talk through how you have been feeling and move on.

I do see that, @MyWildOliveGoose — all I’m saying is that, from the POV of other people, who only saw you on that once a fortnight basis, it will almost certainly not have been so clear cut, and that feeling ‘not allowed’ to talk about someone’s visible illness can feel like there’s a giant, rather frightening elephant in the room they can’t mention, while they’re being actively redirected to talk about their new house or pregnancy. It’s a more extreme example, but one of my closest friends almost died of her eating disorder (as in, she was hospitalised because her organs were shutting down) and would be insisting on asking me questions about my current book project while sitting there like a skeleton, shivering, her arms covered in hair, and absolutely unwilling to talk about her condition. That was incredibly hard.

@MyWildOliveGoose I really feel for you

Why can't people just be normal? It's totally legit that you wanted to let them know that you didn't want to discuss it. And things should go on as normal.

For what it's worth, I get it 💐

I’m going through the same with friends and family atm while I await major surgery. I’ve quickly cottoned on that now I’m of no use to these people they don’t bother with me. And that includes close family who I’ve physically, emotionally and financially helped out on many occasions. I know it’s not transactional but blimey to not even check in with a text or call, just ghosted.

oh well we live and learn. I’ve really found who’s there for me when the going gets tough.

wishing you a speedy recovery op x

Many people don’t handle illness or conditions well at all. And don’t want to be associated with it in any way. I speak from experience. People have a fear of illness or conditions. They would rather not have to think about it.
I am afraid you have done nothing wrong.
Go forward with your life and find something that interests you. New people will be there.

I haven’t lost friends due to illness but I lost a number where I definitely was the driver and the other person wasn’t invested enough to match the effort.

The thing is everyone has lives and problems, you cant expect everyone for a year to be thinking about you, and i guess it depends what was wrong with you, and generally in life people organise things with the people who are free, to cut people off is a bit drastic, youve no.idea whats going on in their lives