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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That I will never talk to some people again…

58 replies

MyWildOliveGoose · Yesterday 08:51

I’ve recently been through one hell of a health battle. Not one that necessarily affects anyone else but did change my quality of life significantly. I was unable to work and suffered severe fatigue, alongside other symptoms ofcourse but I managed it.

All I asked of anyone around me, was just to be the same with me, invite me out as they usually would, check in occasionally as they usually would, and pop round for a cuppa on a whim as they usually would.

I am the type of person, that my house is an open door policy to friends, family etc.. and I have BBQs through the summer, cocktail/mocktail evenings at Christmas, games nights etc all no invite necessary, I just let people know and they were welcome if available, and this is a life I’ve always adored.

For the first few months after my diagnosis things remained the same, although I was fatigued I ensured I kept up the life I’d built and relationships I valued. I never said no to a meet up, went to events to support my friends and we had a rule that we would only talk about my health if and when necessary as I really didn’t want it to always be the topic of discussion all the time. I had a games night, and a BBQ and everything went well. I needed more help cleaning up after than usual but no one seemed to mind.

After summer last year, everything changed. The girls group chat I was in with my closest friends fell silent, I noticed by October none of them had even messaged to say hello for weeks, and social media was showing me that I was no longer being invited to our usual coffees and walks, brunches, BBQs at other friends houses etc. I let it pass as I have other groups of friends unconnected and these relationships were only getting stronger, which was nice.

Fast forward to now, there’s been absolutely no contact between myself and that group since summer last year other than me sending happy birthday messages, merry Christmas etc however I had nothing from them on my birthday or Christmas - not even a reply. I’m honestly not even sure what I’ve done. It’s only a group of 5 of us. It has caused me quite a bit of upset as I thought we were close friends.

Anyway, I’ve just done a month in hospital and now I’m finally on the road to recovery. I have received some messages from the friends in this group. They’re not even necessarily just wishing me well, they do ofcourse, however they’re also fishing for information. I’ve simply replied thanking them for their well wishes, and ignoring the questions. Which then, I have noticed, caused another person to message wishing me well, and ask the same questions. I gave them the same blanket response.

Am I being unreasonable in the fact; before this, I had decided I just didn’t want to speak to any of them ever again and chose not to? Ofcourse I won’t be rude and I will thank them for well wishes but that’s just that. I have nothing else to say. In my mind, we aren’t friends anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyWildOliveGoose · Yesterday 16:11

ArtfullyDistressed · Yesterday 10:03

I do see that, @MyWildOliveGoose — all I’m saying is that, from the POV of other people, who only saw you on that once a fortnight basis, it will almost certainly not have been so clear cut, and that feeling ‘not allowed’ to talk about someone’s visible illness can feel like there’s a giant, rather frightening elephant in the room they can’t mention, while they’re being actively redirected to talk about their new house or pregnancy. It’s a more extreme example, but one of my closest friends almost died of her eating disorder (as in, she was hospitalised because her organs were shutting down) and would be insisting on asking me questions about my current book project while sitting there like a skeleton, shivering, her arms covered in hair, and absolutely unwilling to talk about her condition. That was incredibly hard.

Show quote history

Whilst I can understand that must have been extremely hard, what did you want her to talk about.. Which of her organs might shut down next?

Maybe she just wanted to talk about something that brought light and happiness to the room. Sick people don’t want to constantly talk about their illness.

OP posts:
Jollyhockeystickss · Yesterday 16:12

MyWildOliveGoose · Yesterday 09:09

One is definitely a leader, I suppose. She’s the youngest of us, probably the most fun, and fairly bitchy but we all tend to just take that with a pinch of salt. I wouldn’t say the group in general was nasty. She and I did have a fall out last year, it was over differing political opinion, but I thought we’d put it past us.

They’re asking when I’m going to be “better”.. if I’m returning to work, when I’ll be “firing all cylinders” and having BBQs etc again.. The beneficiaries in my will are my children, no one else at all.

Show quote history

So theyre asking when youre better so they can see you but you want to cut them off, it sounds like you want some sympathy for your illness,

Original poster
MyWildOliveGoose · Yesterday 16:12

EmeraldRoulette · Yesterday 11:00

@MyWildOliveGoose I really feel for you

Why can't people just be normal? It's totally legit that you wanted to let them know that you didn't want to discuss it. And things should go on as normal.

For what it's worth, I get it 💐

Thank you, as I’ve said I was happy to update people as and when necessary but I just wanted a bit of normality too. The whole thing is really upsetting.

OP posts:
Cherry346 · Yesterday 16:12

Definitely not unreasonable. Things like this make you realise who your friends are. I've been quite unwell for 5 years now, life has completely changed for me with no sign of abatement. I've lost countless friends including some best friends. It's sad but they're not true friends if they can't support you through the worst of times.

MyArtfulGreySloth · Yesterday 16:14

It’s times like these when you find out who your real friends are. Of course it wouldn’t be unreasonable to never speak to them again. Wishing you well OP

Original poster
MyWildOliveGoose · Yesterday 16:15

Jollyhockeystickss · Yesterday 16:12

So theyre asking when youre better so they can see you but you want to cut them off, it sounds like you want some sympathy for your illness,

Show quote history

If I wanted sympathy I would have updated them every single day on every single symptom, messaged them during every single hospital stay and expected visits etc

I did nothing to gain sympathy, I wanted things to continue as normal, they’ve effectively ghosted me for almost a year and are now, in my opinion, fishing for gossip.

If they wanted to just see me, they could have said they’d pop round for a cuppa, not when am I planning on hosting my next BBQ after major surgery.

OP posts:
Jollyhockeystickss · Yesterday 16:16

MyWildOliveGoose · Yesterday 09:12

I didn’t say I showed no signs of it, I said I ensured I kept up with relationships I valued, so I continued to show up for my friends despite my deteriorating health.

I noticed that people would constantly ask for updates, so I openly spoke with them and said I would update when necessary but that I didn’t want to talk about it every time/all the time. It was draining having the same conversation every time. Maybe that’s what I did wrong.

edited to add.. I did call/text/message at first but after so many calls and messages with no response I stopped, should I desperately chase these friendships forever?

They also know I’ve been in hospital because they saw a post from a family member on social media.

Edited
Show quote history

Nothing annoys me more than social media, thats very passive aggressive,.if my friend wants to tell me something she will, if a distant relative of a friend 7 times removed posted something i would ignore it, as i said if my friend wants to tell me she will

Original poster
MyWildOliveGoose · Yesterday 16:17

bonkersbongo · Yesterday 12:23

I’m going through the same with friends and family atm while I await major surgery. I’ve quickly cottoned on that now I’m of no use to these people they don’t bother with me. And that includes close family who I’ve physically, emotionally and financially helped out on many occasions. I know it’s not transactional but blimey to not even check in with a text or call, just ghosted.

oh well we live and learn. I’ve really found who’s there for me when the going gets tough.

wishing you a speedy recovery op x

So sorry to hear this, it’s a hard realisation. I hope your surgery comes around soon for you and wish you a speedy recovery too.

OP posts:
WorriedAnxiousAndStressed · Yesterday 16:22

MyWildOliveGoose · Yesterday 09:09

One is definitely a leader, I suppose. She’s the youngest of us, probably the most fun, and fairly bitchy but we all tend to just take that with a pinch of salt. I wouldn’t say the group in general was nasty. She and I did have a fall out last year, it was over differing political opinion, but I thought we’d put it past us.

They’re asking when I’m going to be “better”.. if I’m returning to work, when I’ll be “firing all cylinders” and having BBQs etc again.. The beneficiaries in my will are my children, no one else at all.

Show quote history

im guessing the differing political opinion was a bigger issue for all of them?

WhereverIlaymycatthatsmyhome · Yesterday 16:23

It seems like the falling out you had with the group leader about politics was more serious than you thought?

NoCommentingFromNowOn · Yesterday 16:40

After summer last year, everything changed. The girls group chat I was in with my closest friends fell silent, I noticed by October none of them had even messaged to say hello for weeks, and social media was showing me that I was no longer being invited to our usual coffees and walks, brunches, BBQs at other friends houses etc.

Fast forward to now, there’s been absolutely no contact between myself and that group since summer last year other than me sending happy birthday messages, merry Christmas etc however I had nothing from them on my birthday or Christmas - not even a reply. It has caused me quite a bit of upset as I thought we were close friends.

Anyway, I’ve just done a month in hospital and now I’m finally on the road to recovery. I have received some messages from the friends in this group. They’re not even necessarily just wishing me well, they do ofcourse, however they’re also fishing for information. I’ve simply replied thanking them for their well wishes, and ignoring the questions. Which then, I have noticed, caused another person to message wishing me well, and ask the same questions. I gave them the same blanket response.

So they started a new group chat without you, continued with their group social life without you, didn’t contact you on your birthday or Christmas even to say ‘happy birthday’ or ‘merry Christmas’ despite you saying those things to them, now it looks like you’re on the mend so they are taking it in turns to get the juicy gossip, when one of them fails to get it then a different one tries.

Have I got that right?

Fuck ‘em.

TheIdlerReturns · Yesterday 16:46

Ditch that particular group of 'friends' because you say you have others who seem more genuine. Life's too short to worry about the whys and wherefores either. Concentrate on your health and cultivating healthier relationships

Anyahyacinth · Yesterday 16:50

MyWildOliveGoose · Yesterday 08:51

I’ve recently been through one hell of a health battle. Not one that necessarily affects anyone else but did change my quality of life significantly. I was unable to work and suffered severe fatigue, alongside other symptoms ofcourse but I managed it.

All I asked of anyone around me, was just to be the same with me, invite me out as they usually would, check in occasionally as they usually would, and pop round for a cuppa on a whim as they usually would.

I am the type of person, that my house is an open door policy to friends, family etc.. and I have BBQs through the summer, cocktail/mocktail evenings at Christmas, games nights etc all no invite necessary, I just let people know and they were welcome if available, and this is a life I’ve always adored.

For the first few months after my diagnosis things remained the same, although I was fatigued I ensured I kept up the life I’d built and relationships I valued. I never said no to a meet up, went to events to support my friends and we had a rule that we would only talk about my health if and when necessary as I really didn’t want it to always be the topic of discussion all the time. I had a games night, and a BBQ and everything went well. I needed more help cleaning up after than usual but no one seemed to mind.

After summer last year, everything changed. The girls group chat I was in with my closest friends fell silent, I noticed by October none of them had even messaged to say hello for weeks, and social media was showing me that I was no longer being invited to our usual coffees and walks, brunches, BBQs at other friends houses etc. I let it pass as I have other groups of friends unconnected and these relationships were only getting stronger, which was nice.

Fast forward to now, there’s been absolutely no contact between myself and that group since summer last year other than me sending happy birthday messages, merry Christmas etc however I had nothing from them on my birthday or Christmas - not even a reply. I’m honestly not even sure what I’ve done. It’s only a group of 5 of us. It has caused me quite a bit of upset as I thought we were close friends.

Anyway, I’ve just done a month in hospital and now I’m finally on the road to recovery. I have received some messages from the friends in this group. They’re not even necessarily just wishing me well, they do ofcourse, however they’re also fishing for information. I’ve simply replied thanking them for their well wishes, and ignoring the questions. Which then, I have noticed, caused another person to message wishing me well, and ask the same questions. I gave them the same blanket response.

Am I being unreasonable in the fact; before this, I had decided I just didn’t want to speak to any of them ever again and chose not to? Ofcourse I won’t be rude and I will thank them for well wishes but that’s just that. I have nothing else to say. In my mind, we aren’t friends anymore.

It's an absolute true cliche...that you find out who your friends are when you are ill or ill leading to disability. Sorry OP 💐 it's an additional grief on top of being unwell.
Keep your distance from the non friends...they've given you helpful insight - use it 💗

Well wishes 💐

Sandalsandbreadsticks · Yesterday 16:52

Seems really hurtful of them to just ditch you like that and then pop back up acting like nothing happened. I would not want anything to do with them either. If something was wrong they could have talked to you.

I don't think most of the commenters here read your post properly OP. I'm glad you have other friends

Vaxtable · Yesterday 16:56

You are better than me by your response

i would be going back with thanks, but am surprised to hear from you bearing in mind we have had no contact for over a year I assume the friendship was over as far as you were concerned

Original poster
MyWildOliveGoose · Yesterday 17:14

NoCommentingFromNowOn · Yesterday 16:40

After summer last year, everything changed. The girls group chat I was in with my closest friends fell silent, I noticed by October none of them had even messaged to say hello for weeks, and social media was showing me that I was no longer being invited to our usual coffees and walks, brunches, BBQs at other friends houses etc.

Fast forward to now, there’s been absolutely no contact between myself and that group since summer last year other than me sending happy birthday messages, merry Christmas etc however I had nothing from them on my birthday or Christmas - not even a reply. It has caused me quite a bit of upset as I thought we were close friends.

Anyway, I’ve just done a month in hospital and now I’m finally on the road to recovery. I have received some messages from the friends in this group. They’re not even necessarily just wishing me well, they do ofcourse, however they’re also fishing for information. I’ve simply replied thanking them for their well wishes, and ignoring the questions. Which then, I have noticed, caused another person to message wishing me well, and ask the same questions. I gave them the same blanket response.

So they started a new group chat without you, continued with their group social life without you, didn’t contact you on your birthday or Christmas even to say ‘happy birthday’ or ‘merry Christmas’ despite you saying those things to them, now it looks like you’re on the mend so they are taking it in turns to get the juicy gossip, when one of them fails to get it then a different one tries.

Have I got that right?

Fuck ‘em.

Yes , you’ve got it pretty much spot on x

OP posts:
Ganthanga · Yesterday 17:23

I'm not really sure why you are posting about this now when you say you haven't heard from them for a year. I agree that the falling out over the " comment" has been more serious than you may have thought.
Playing devil's advocate for a moment, I have a friend who's going through an illness. We got a group together to deliver meals, check in etc. but it's really hard to keep the momentum after several months. We are not close family but good friends. Everytime we suggest a night out, just a drink in a local pub garden we are told they are " not up to it" but then they are out frequently with family in the same pub! So that's it from the other side. I am bored with contacting them now just to be pushed back.

Letsgetreadytorhumble · Yesterday 17:39

@Ganthanga she heard from them after a year of no contact when she got out of hospital.

Why is it not a rule to read EVERY post by the OP before posting? It is every thread on here.

OP they sound horrendous and very superficial. Let them fuck off back to the obscure place they went to when you were very ill and let them stay there. They have no business knowing your business now things are going well for you again. Fair weather friends.

Petesdragoness · Yesterday 17:56

I had a huge health battle and ended up with chronic fatigue and pain. I found early days people were still around, but 2 years on no-one cares or makes the effort and it's incredibly lonely. Especially as I (I presume similar to yourself) can't get out to do things or meet new people anymore.

ArtfullyDistressed · Yesterday 17:57

MyWildOliveGoose · Yesterday 16:11

Whilst I can understand that must have been extremely hard, what did you want her to talk about.. Which of her organs might shut down next?

Maybe she just wanted to talk about something that brought light and happiness to the room. Sick people don’t want to constantly talk about their illness.

Show quote history

I wanted her to acknowledge that she was not far from death, rather than prattle about my agent. She was in denial and I was going out to try to explain things to a fifteen year old who wasn't allowed into the ICU and who had been watching his mother starve herself to death. You will forgive me for not really giving a shit about 'light and happiness in the room.'

Darklight1 · Yesterday 18:36

Flamingojune · Yesterday 09:07

Why are you reluctant to answer questions? Isn't that part of friendship?

I think if they haven’t been in touch for a considerable amount of time and are then asking her why she’s been in hospital it comes across as just wanting gossip rather than care

Darklight1 · Yesterday 18:39

MyWildOliveGoose · Yesterday 16:12

Thank you, as I’ve said I was happy to update people as and when necessary but I just wanted a bit of normality too. The whole thing is really upsetting.

Show quote history

I have an invisible disability and I find people just often don’t believe me. They will see me making an effort and pushing myself to do something and not see the crash it causes after and conclude I must be fine. Could this be a part of it for your former friends?

AnonyMumAuDHD · Yesterday 19:20

ArtfullyDistressed · Yesterday 09:12

Well, there you go, then. The friendship group was largely based on you hosting a lot, and when you stopped because of your illness, your value in the group dropped.

Show quote history

Yes, in a sense they were using you. Had a similar thing happen when we stopped the big Xmas and summer parties - first due to covid, obviously, but then due to my eldest child having severely difficult MH/Autism issues. The invites paused in covid and never resumed afterwards. I know they all met for dinner and drinks as I’d meet them going out. They just didn’t invite me anymore as I didn’t had any highlights to their social diary.

More hurtful was the complete lack of care or interest in how we - my DC specifically - were getting along. No booze, no parties … no interest.

Feel such a fool now as I really thought they were friends, but clearly I was just a try hard. I make sure new friendships are more balanced now. Turns taken, costs shared, energy matched, etc.

PolkaDotPorridge · Yesterday 19:43

Sorry Op. That is awful. You were the friend. They weren’t. At least you know now. Move on with comfort in the knowledge that you are a better person and they didn’t deserve you.

Rhaidimiddim · Yesterday 19:55

senua · Yesterday 09:28

They also know I’ve been in hospital because they saw a post from a family member on social media.
But did you tell them, keep them in the loop; or did they hear from 'strangers'. I don't know them and I don't know you but , from an outside perspective, there seems to be a lot of keeping them at a distance ,,, and then wondering why they are annoyed.

After a year of them sidelining her, I wouldn't have kept them informed either. Don't put this on the OP - there were 4 (5?) other people in this social group, and they all would have had her contact details and address but didn't include her in group things and didn't drop by/drop her a line individually. Pathetic human beings.