That I will never talk to some people again…

[MyWildOliveGoose]

I’ve recently been through one hell of a health battle. Not one that necessarily affects anyone else but did change my quality of life significantly. I was unable to work and suffered severe fatigue, alongside other symptoms ofcourse but I managed it.

All I asked of anyone around me, was just to be the same with me, invite me out as they usually would, check in occasionally as they usually would, and pop round for a cuppa on a whim as they usually would.

I am the type of person, that my house is an open door policy to friends, family etc.. and I have BBQs through the summer, cocktail/mocktail evenings at Christmas, games nights etc all no invite necessary, I just let people know and they were welcome if available, and this is a life I’ve always adored.

For the first few months after my diagnosis things remained the same, although I was fatigued I ensured I kept up the life I’d built and relationships I valued. I never said no to a meet up, went to events to support my friends and we had a rule that we would only talk about my health if and when necessary as I really didn’t want it to always be the topic of discussion all the time. I had a games night, and a BBQ and everything went well. I needed more help cleaning up after than usual but no one seemed to mind.

After summer last year, everything changed. The girls group chat I was in with my closest friends fell silent, I noticed by October none of them had even messaged to say hello for weeks, and social media was showing me that I was no longer being invited to our usual coffees and walks, brunches, BBQs at other friends houses etc. I let it pass as I have other groups of friends unconnected and these relationships were only getting stronger, which was nice.

Fast forward to now, there’s been absolutely no contact between myself and that group since summer last year other than me sending happy birthday messages, merry Christmas etc however I had nothing from them on my birthday or Christmas - not even a reply. I’m honestly not even sure what I’ve done. It’s only a group of 5 of us. It has caused me quite a bit of upset as I thought we were close friends.

Anyway, I’ve just done a month in hospital and now I’m finally on the road to recovery. I have received some messages from the friends in this group. They’re not even necessarily just wishing me well, they do ofcourse, however they’re also fishing for information. I’ve simply replied thanking them for their well wishes, and ignoring the questions. Which then, I have noticed, caused another person to message wishing me well, and ask the same questions. I gave them the same blanket response.

Am I being unreasonable in the fact; before this, I had decided I just didn’t want to speak to any of them ever again and chose not to? Ofcourse I won’t be rude and I will thank them for well wishes but that’s just that. I have nothing else to say. In my mind, we aren’t friends anymore.

Er, continue inviting her to the walks and coffee morning and all the usual social stuff she was coping with?

Exactly this! Any one of them could have arranged, individually, to drop in and see you/ go for a coffee and/or a walk, arranged a cinema trip. It is what friends do for each other.

You wanted her to acknowledge she was not far from death.

Your "friend" was mentally ill and dying and you wanted convos to be about the last thing she wanted to discuss instead of giving her the grace of zccepting her reluctance to discuss it with you.

Edited to ne a bit softer.

Agree, must have been absolutely harrowing for friend who was dreadfully ill

YANBU OP

Sometimes you just feel a seismic shift don't you, and your gut tells you that someone is no longer good for the soul.

I understand that you didn't press and push the friendship when you never received any responses, and therefore didn't feel the need to tell them about the hospital. After all, you werent close friends anymore by that point.

It is strange that they are suddenly asking for details and I think PP is right who said your role in the group as organiser has been noticeable absent.

I also think that when someone is sick, it their choice to take the lead on how much attention and "air time" they feel comfortable giving the illness. It's not about me, it is about the friend who is sick. Especially if help and recovery is underway.

I agree. You should block that group as they aren’t your friends. Fishing for information to gossip about you is horrible.

Maybe they think it's you who were keeping a distance, OP? I totally understand that you didn't always want to talk about your illness, but I wonder if they took that as you pushing them away? It might especially be so if you inadvertently showed some irritation. I would communicate with them. Tell them that you feel they weren't there for you as you hadn't heard from them for so long and that you feel you were ghosted. You might find that it's all a big misunderstanding. What have you got to lose? You couldn't feel worse than you do now about them. I think it would be a real pity to walk away without trying to get some clarity. Otherwise you might always wonder why. There are times I've had this talk with someone, and it might not always have ended up rosy, but I walked away with a clearer idea of what had happened, and I was less hurt as a result.

@NoCommentingFromNowOn your reply is spot on. From earlier replies I thought i had read the thread incorrectly.
@MyWildOliveGoose did make a great effort to keep the group going. She kept reaching out despite their silence. They couldn't even contact her at Christmas but then reappeared when it suits them? That is rude and ignorant.
The group continued to meet, just excluded her. Contacting OP now with no apology or attempt to explan shows exactly who they are. Arrogant and entitled.
You are a better person than me @MyWildOliveGoose . I would be so hurt at their behaviour it would be difficult not to respond by asking where they had been for the past year and why they ignored my attempts at communicating.

Because they are being nosy! That’s all . They havnt reached out since mid last year and not invited her to things . They didn’t reply to Xmas and birthday messages but then they want to know things . Yeah right !

Wether it's right or wrong id feel as you do I think, so I'd probably just leave it and try to make new friends , your right to give no info but polite short replies

Yup, this. I wouldn’t have replied at all. Just deleted the group and blocked them all.

I wondered if it was an eating disorder, reading MyWildOliveGoose's posts.

They’ve obviously been having separate bitching sessions about you and are fishing for fuel for their gossip. Who needs friends like that?! Vile playground antics!

When you are well enough - do host a BBQ with your real friends and post the pictures on social media. And if any of them dare to ask why they weren’t invited just say “I didn’t think we were seeing each other anymore after no invitations from you for a year”. Then block if necessary.

No, I do not have an eating disorder, I have heart valve disease. I’m not sure where I even inclined that my illness may have been an ED.

I am so looking forward to my first BBQ this summer, when I am feeling up to it. It’s the thing I’ve missed most.

Thank you , I appreciate this so much.

I honestly wondered if I was being unreasonable due to some of the previous responses. It made me doubt myself for a second. I’m glad some of the responses have been from people who have actually read this properly.

Thank you.

Youbare giv8ngnthem.too much benefit of the doubt.

She Merry Christmassed the group - none of them replied. Suggesting they felt pushed out- poor petals! - is no excuse for not responding to a seasonal greeting that we exchange with strangers. They were rude, all of them.

And if they felt pushed out by the OP's reluctance to discuss her health then, why, after a year, have they all recovered their nerve now and started bothering her for details again?

You didn't! Sorry, I didn't communicate clearly. Your description of persevering through hosting to the point of exhaustion, and not wanting people to talk about your illness, reminded me of being with someone who was visibly emaciated and frail but in complete denial about being unwell and unable to do things as normal.

I guess I would encourage you to cut your friends some slack, because I would find it very difficult being with you if you didn't want me to talk about your illness but you were visibly effected by it. I could imagine stepping back from the relationship until such time I heard on the grapevine you'd finished treatment. If you were then cryptic and evasive when I asked about your recovery I may well ask a mutual friend to get in touch to see if you were more comfortable with them and able to talk freely about your health.
If it feels nosy for someone to enqire about your recovery after a long and serious illness they're not close friends. Maybe this group of women are an awkward in-between good friends and aquaintences.

People are really funny about illness, or a lot of them are anyway. I had a serious diagnosis a while ago. It's not life threatening but neither will it ever go away. I have regular flare ups and have had to learn a new way of organising my life so as to balance work, health and everything else. My life has changed a lot and I freely admit it's all a bit tedious. Some friends have wanted to know all about it, which is fine, and some haven't really cared much at all, which is also OK as I know where I am with that, but the worst has been friends who want to make a huge fuss about how unwell I've been but then expect me to get better, which I've been very clear isn't going to happen. People seem to be really cross about the fact that I can't control my condition, and that I can't (or more accurately won't) make myself worse in order to accommodate their social plans. It's as though everyone knows they ought to be sympathetic to illness but they can only keep it up so long. So I get it, OP, and YANBU to walk away from these friendships. Look after yourself, and stick with friends who care enough to support you, or at least trust you to support yourself, not make you feel worse.

They probably have limited energy and prioritise the people closest to them

Maybe an ill person is better off without friends who want everything to be about them and what they want to talk about, when they are not the ones suffering with it

Given what you have carefully explained , I would feel exactly the same .
Health scares can change so many things & friendship is often what gets you through .
It seems in your case , this particular group failed miserably & now the guilt is becoming apparent . For me , when it comes to friendship - it’s ’ once bitten twice shy ‘ . I would maintain distance & leave it at that . Good luck & best wishes with your recovery .

Nothing about this thread surprises me I’m afraid. I had similar, ditched by friends after child became ill. It feels like there’s a time limit to some people’s interest and sympathy, especially if you’re not available to do the things you used to do together.