That I will never talk to some people again…

[MyWildOliveGoose]

I’ve recently been through one hell of a health battle. Not one that necessarily affects anyone else but did change my quality of life significantly. I was unable to work and suffered severe fatigue, alongside other symptoms ofcourse but I managed it.

All I asked of anyone around me, was just to be the same with me, invite me out as they usually would, check in occasionally as they usually would, and pop round for a cuppa on a whim as they usually would.

I am the type of person, that my house is an open door policy to friends, family etc.. and I have BBQs through the summer, cocktail/mocktail evenings at Christmas, games nights etc all no invite necessary, I just let people know and they were welcome if available, and this is a life I’ve always adored.

For the first few months after my diagnosis things remained the same, although I was fatigued I ensured I kept up the life I’d built and relationships I valued. I never said no to a meet up, went to events to support my friends and we had a rule that we would only talk about my health if and when necessary as I really didn’t want it to always be the topic of discussion all the time. I had a games night, and a BBQ and everything went well. I needed more help cleaning up after than usual but no one seemed to mind.

After summer last year, everything changed. The girls group chat I was in with my closest friends fell silent, I noticed by October none of them had even messaged to say hello for weeks, and social media was showing me that I was no longer being invited to our usual coffees and walks, brunches, BBQs at other friends houses etc. I let it pass as I have other groups of friends unconnected and these relationships were only getting stronger, which was nice.

Fast forward to now, there’s been absolutely no contact between myself and that group since summer last year other than me sending happy birthday messages, merry Christmas etc however I had nothing from them on my birthday or Christmas - not even a reply. I’m honestly not even sure what I’ve done. It’s only a group of 5 of us. It has caused me quite a bit of upset as I thought we were close friends.

Anyway, I’ve just done a month in hospital and now I’m finally on the road to recovery. I have received some messages from the friends in this group. They’re not even necessarily just wishing me well, they do ofcourse, however they’re also fishing for information. I’ve simply replied thanking them for their well wishes, and ignoring the questions. Which then, I have noticed, caused another person to message wishing me well, and ask the same questions. I gave them the same blanket response.

Am I being unreasonable in the fact; before this, I had decided I just didn’t want to speak to any of them ever again and chose not to? Ofcourse I won’t be rude and I will thank them for well wishes but that’s just that. I have nothing else to say. In my mind, we aren’t friends anymore.

Er, continue inviting her to the walks and coffee morning and all the usual social stuff she was coping with?

Exactly this! Any one of them could have arranged, individually, to drop in and see you/ go for a coffee and/or a walk, arranged a cinema trip. It is what friends do for each other.

You wanted her to acknowledge she was not far from death.

Your "friend" was mentally ill and dying and you wanted convos to be about the last thing she wanted to discuss instead of giving her the grace of zccepting her reluctance to discuss it with you.

Edited to ne a bit softer.

Agree, must have been absolutely harrowing for friend who was dreadfully ill

YANBU OP

Sometimes you just feel a seismic shift don't you, and your gut tells you that someone is no longer good for the soul.

I understand that you didn't press and push the friendship when you never received any responses, and therefore didn't feel the need to tell them about the hospital. After all, you werent close friends anymore by that point.

It is strange that they are suddenly asking for details and I think PP is right who said your role in the group as organiser has been noticeable absent.

I also think that when someone is sick, it their choice to take the lead on how much attention and "air time" they feel comfortable giving the illness. It's not about me, it is about the friend who is sick. Especially if help and recovery is underway.

I agree. You should block that group as they aren’t your friends. Fishing for information to gossip about you is horrible.

You know fuck all about the situation. Don’t make yourself sound any stupider.

Maybe they think it's you who were keeping a distance, OP? I totally understand that you didn't always want to talk about your illness, but I wonder if they took that as you pushing them away? It might especially be so if you inadvertently showed some irritation. I would communicate with them. Tell them that you feel they weren't there for you as you hadn't heard from them for so long and that you feel you were ghosted. You might find that it's all a big misunderstanding. What have you got to lose? You couldn't feel worse than you do now about them. I think it would be a real pity to walk away without trying to get some clarity. Otherwise you might always wonder why. There are times I've had this talk with someone, and it might not always have ended up rosy, but I walked away with a clearer idea of what had happened, and I was less hurt as a result.