To expect DH to change his online coach after inappropriate messages?

[Mumfirsttime23]

DH has struggled with his weight for a couple of years but since January has been making a huge effort. He has gone to the gym 4 times a week and has an online coach who is local but met via their Instagram page after a recommendation. They have weekly check in’s etc and she helps with work out plan and nutrition.

All good, no issues and I’ve been really encouraging - up until today.

I was using his phone for white noise whilst trying to nap our youngest - something we often do if our own phone is charging.

A message notification appeared from his coach that didn’t seem at all ‘fitness related’ so I clicked on it and read the exchange. He’d messaged her about his week (in terms of workouts and meals). One of the things he said is that he was fed up of eating the same fruit all the time so he has got some pineapple instead. She said about this being known to make men ‘taste’ nicer. He said he wouldn’t know but that ‘my wife would be pleased’. She then replied saying ‘your not into snowballing then’ and he said depends how many drinks he’s had (I had to Google this, to warn anyone unaware it is grim, and not something we’ve ever done/would do).

Her reply was 2/3 hours later and was what piqued my interest to read back.

I told him I’d seen the exchange - he apologised, said they have a friendly professional relationship and it’s nothing more. Which I do believe, but I am uncomfortable with another woman talking to him like that and that he didn’t shut it down. I think he should change his coach - he says that would be an over reaction. Would you keep pushing this point if you were me?

Yes I agree he should look for a new one. It’s obviously a shame because her advice has clearly worked well for him but she was hugely unprofessional. He did mostly shut her down by mentioning you.

He clearly doesn't want to end their association - that's the bit that would be worrying me. He's not tied into anything, he can cancel at any point, and given your concerns about their conversations (which are justified) that is what he should be doing. But he isn't. I would be furious @Mumfirsttime23.

All he has to do is say he can't continue with her because she's made him uncomfortable with her sexual messaging. It's inappropriate and unprofessional and he's canceling the contract because of the sexual messages she's sent.

Now. If he's sent some in return or initiated, that's a different story.

But online gigging, reputation is important. If she's foolish enough to be sexually messaging married clients and also promoting non science based info, she shouldn't be doing that job.

This is NOT their first conversation of this nature!

Sometimes I think the boring professional boundaries training in many jobs is tedious & it's just common sense, then I read that someone has said stuff like this & think, yep this is why this training is a must - outrageously unprofessional on her part and absolutely he should look for a new coach.

This

He enjoys the frisky chat 🤢

I agree with this one.

His first reaction when a woman flirts with him is to point out that he's got a wife.

I'd count that as a win.

Presumably the contract he's tied into includes terms of what constitutes a breach of contract, and I think that a coach making sexual remarks to their client crosses that line.

Put your foot down, OP.

That's terrible advice.

Either the coach would be gone, or I would. Wrong on every level ... and gross.

It was a snowballing gag

I just had to Google what it meant, but the advice is still not good advice.

She broke the contract when sending unprofessional text messages to a client. A strongly worded email to say he wants to end the contract and have a partial refund for unused months should work. She wouldn’t want those messages to be out online as it would kill any future contracts. If my husband tried to push back on sending that email I would question his motives.

Up tothat point, I thought he had mentioned you right away and wasn’t really engaging so maybe was just feeling awkward.

But this answer? I would be having none of it.
Yes he might be tied up until the summer if he agreed to a 3 or 6 months package.
That doesn’t mean he should carry on being in contact with her. In part because she hasn’t behave well at all- her comment and then mentioning snowballing was way out if line - but also how can he still work with her on a professional basis?!? If it had been me at the receiving end, My respect for her and for her as a coach would be gone, shattered in a million pieces after these comments.

Which tells me he is deflecting and can’t really see the issue at the very least, is somehow flattered/interested by the fact she is ‘interested’ in him.
And THAT is even more wrong

That was my first reaction.

That is until I read the OP’s updates today…..
This man can’t even see where the problem is 🙄🙄🙄

Heard it all now.

Oh dear. Ghastly woman and husband under - reacting to his wife’s concerns. Not a good combo.

does he actually like pineapple or is she already giving bj’s and this is an in- joke.

Maybe I am too laid back but I don’t think they’ve messaged like this before if his first go to was to mention his wife. Sounds to me like someone who didn’t want to have that conversation but didn’t want to make it awkward. If it was me, I’d be asking him to shut it down more firmly if she tries it again/walk away at that point rather than demanding he drop her now but that’s just me

This response to what a man does made me 😃

It actually makes women taste sweeter, ask him, can you now start eating it and have online chats about your sex life. I didn't see what he said as wanting to shut it down, he mentioned you, to carry on talking about sex. He's enjoying the sex talk. As said he could use what's been messaged to get out of the contract, he doesn't want to.

See I don't think it is, to me it implies if I didn't have a wife I would be up for anything but the wife makes that difficult.

What his reply should have said is that is completely inappropriate and unprofessional. Please do not ever make those kinds of remarks again.

I feel like when propositioned a man should just say I am not interested rather than I am happily married or just married. It sends a clear not going to happen message. I am married is just a statement of fact. There is no comment on whether they are interested or not.

OP He should absolutely end his contract with her now. She acted unprofessionally and even with his replies, she is still way over the line. I think he enjoyed the saucy little flirt with her and continuing messaging means there is always a chance it will go that way again. He will just get better at hiding it.

You don't go from zero to snowballing in one text. And now he's either not seeing the issue or intentionally minimising it.
Is this a completely online thing or does he see her face to face?

Online, they do have video calls as part of check ups. I have over heard the odd one.

It wasn't advice - it was a joke that imo described what snowballing is to someone who didn't know. (Or as @coulditbeme2323 put so aptly, it was a gag - well it certainly would be a gag if I were asked to participate...)

He’s sticking to the stance I mentioned earlier of seeing his contract out. Seemed a bit annoyed I raised it again at dinner and suggested that with his improved physique I am feeling a bit ‘jealous’ that he could get more attention than he used to. This is absolutely not the case. He won’t hear my argument though.