To expect DH to change his online coach after inappropriate messages?

[Mumfirsttime23]

DH has struggled with his weight for a couple of years but since January has been making a huge effort. He has gone to the gym 4 times a week and has an online coach who is local but met via their Instagram page after a recommendation. They have weekly check in’s etc and she helps with work out plan and nutrition.

All good, no issues and I’ve been really encouraging - up until today.

I was using his phone for white noise whilst trying to nap our youngest - something we often do if our own phone is charging.

A message notification appeared from his coach that didn’t seem at all ‘fitness related’ so I clicked on it and read the exchange. He’d messaged her about his week (in terms of workouts and meals). One of the things he said is that he was fed up of eating the same fruit all the time so he has got some pineapple instead. She said about this being known to make men ‘taste’ nicer. He said he wouldn’t know but that ‘my wife would be pleased’. She then replied saying ‘your not into snowballing then’ and he said depends how many drinks he’s had (I had to Google this, to warn anyone unaware it is grim, and not something we’ve ever done/would do).

Her reply was 2/3 hours later and was what piqued my interest to read back.

I told him I’d seen the exchange - he apologised, said they have a friendly professional relationship and it’s nothing more. Which I do believe, but I am uncomfortable with another woman talking to him like that and that he didn’t shut it down. I think he should change his coach - he says that would be an over reaction. Would you keep pushing this point if you were me?

She wouldn't have brought up snowballing if their conversations hadn't been of a sexual nature before this exchange. She was very sure this message would be well received.
I would be wondering about how close their relationship is OP

Yanbu. From that exchange, it sounds like she is unprofessional and lacks boundaries.

Your DH could have shut it down better but I don’t think he has behaved inappropriately yet.

I would expect him to want to change coaches though and have nothing more to do with her.

Although it sounds like your DH handled it fairly well. I'd ask him to send her a message explicitly stating that he found it uncomfortable and for her not to behave in that way again. Or, he finds a new PT

😂

I'd have photographed it and told him if he doesn't switch coaches and tell her its because he feels uncomfortable then you'll be leaving a public online review with photos and tagging her.

Sorry OP I don't think his pineapple comment was innocent. I read it as him being tired of his partner and wanting to try someone new.
I'm autistic so it may be just my interpretation but I really don't think she would have said something like that so comfortably if their relationship had been entirely professional the whole time.

Gargle it

Totally unprofessional on her part, but if that had happened to my husband he would not have replied to her first comment - unless to say that was inappropriate - and would have requested a change in fitness coach himself at that point.

She’s been grossly unprofessional and disgusting, he’s been disrespectful in encouraging it.
He sent a harmless message about fruit, she immediately turned it into something sexual, he didn’t do anything to shut it down.

When he sent a message about fruit and she replied with the tasting better comment, he should have gone straight back with “that’s not appropriate” rather than saying his wife would be pleased.

If a woman has a male personal trainer and sends a food-related message, and that male replies with a sexual comment, most would agree that’s inappropriate - this is no different.

I’d have another conversation where I said let me be clear that is not a friendly professional relationship. However you feel about her, she is very unprofessional. I want to support you but it will be impossible while you’re engaging in those messages. If you don’t want to drop her as your food coach, I expect to see all the messages and your next response had better be I need to say this is really unprofessional, could we please communicate without any sexual references. Clearly and unambiguously and no apologies. Otherwise I cannot support you, now I’m off to work to chat about oral sex with my male colleagues since we have friendly professional relationships, you can tell me what you’ve decided tonight.

I would be wanting to look back over their previous conversations before making any judgements.

Might be completely innocent on his part, interesting to see if he’s now deleted the conversations.

So what are this coach's educational and professional credentials?

"Friendly professional relationship" my ass. It's sex talk and completely unprofessional. I don't think your husband was shutting it down, he responded. Maybe not enthusiastic but this should have just been a you're going into inappropriate territory, let's get back to talking about food intake. He set no boundaries there.

This!!

You don’t suddenly go from a totally professional relationship to then talking about snowballing so casually.

Innuendo and sex chat has likely to have been going on for a while now and that is completely unacceptable on a professional level from her, but also incredibly disrespectful towards you as your husband.

She sounds like a fucking creep! Yeah, I'd never ever want my partner in her company again and I don't think he'd want to be around her either.

This
I would be interested in previous exchanges

We’ve spoke again today and he says he’s tied in until the end of summer at which point he will be happy to review.

Professional my arse!!!

I'd be messaging her to say I felt her messages were totally inappropriate and unprofessional, and that unless she can keep to an appropriate client relationship, you will be raising the matter with the gym management.

That's just an excuse on your husband's part, and not a very good one. Given her unprofessional behaviour, it should be easy enough to let her know you want to break the contract and why. Unless of course he doesn't want to break it, which sounds more likely.

I’d agree don’t drift on. This is the moment to act! What she wrote was vaaaaaastly inappropriate and kinda disgusting. Your husband needs to step up and end this ‘professional’ trainer relationship and find someone who doesn’t breach all sorts of inappropriate boundaries. If he doesn’t I think you’d have license to approach her directly or the gym if she’s contracted out through them. It’s so grim. I’m sorry too as it sounds like your husband is motivated to exercise which is wonderful. But this was is really not great.

I'd be reporting her to the gym.

I think your DH handled it fairly well in the instance. At least he mentioned you I guess. I would expect him to follow up though with a message saying he found the exchange awkward and that it had upset his wife (you) too and that going forward they must keep the conversation completely professional.

If the coach is embarrassed, which she bloody should be, then she can release him from his contract without financial penalty.

Why does he need to pay a PT to discuss pineapple? She's unprofessional so just do without one.

She’s not tied to a gym, she’s one of these online coaches of which there are many these days, all posting similar stuff.

That's absolute bullshit and he knows it.

After those sexual messages, he could easily get out of any contract he's signed. If she's through the gym, he could easily switch to another trainer, one who's well, professional. She should be reported for being so unprofessional sending sexual messages to a married client.