AIBU for not being firmer when a child grabbed my baby?

[Dinosaurhearmeroar]

Wasn’t sure where to put this but it’s a
bit of a ‘what would you have done?’ situation.

was at the park this afternoon - sunny day so busy and filled with kids. My daughter (4) went down the slide 🛝 as did DH and a girl was at the bottom helping people off eg grabbing hands and pulling them up with a cheer.

I was sitting nearby with my 5 month old having finished a feed. The girl came
bouncing over to me as did her mum and I realised she had learning difficulties. She was 9 and very friendly but with no boundaries - mum was hovering very nearby. Said girl put her hands on my baby and started saying how cute she was etc. all fine. She then asked if she could feed her and I said no she’s just fed and she proceeded to shove the bottle in her mouth. mum was standing right next to her and just said platitudes like ‘be careful’ etc. I was trying to get her to stop which eventually she did. I kept calm as she was quite erratic in her behaviour so I didn’t think raising my voice etc would help.

she then asked if she could hold my baby to which I said ‘no.’ The girl then grabbed her arm and leg and tried to cradle her to her chest. I was trying my best to keep the mood calm because when I said ‘no’ she would raise her voice and do it anyway - a behaviour that happened several times during this incident.

at this point DH and big sister (4) came to see me and baby (they’d been on the swings) and big sister was immediately unsettled by the girl. The girl was trying to hold baby again on her own and pulling her out of my arms - I was equally holding onto my baby pulling her to me. Big sister was now sitting next to me and started to cry hysterically at the scene as she was scared. The girl said “it’s my baby” and kept pulling her to me. I didn’t want to hurt my baby (!) in this tug of war and by now a scene was being made.

I kept calm throughout and said, “be gentle, let her go” etc but none of it worked. Mum was there the whole time letting it happen, occasionally interjecting with “be careful” etc. mum eventually got the girl off my baby and we walked away a little shaken by the whole thing. I felt sorry for the girl as she wasn’t quite sure what she was doing hence my patience.

in the car on the way home I chastised myself for not being firmer and asking mum to take the girl away but, weirdly, because mum was there allowing it all I thought perhaps that was the right thing to do/ best way to handle this little girl.

yabu - I did best I could do in that situation.

Yanbu - you should have told the little girl to get off regardless of her subsequent outburst.

The mother should have been aware of her behaviour and stopped it before it started. I have worked with children displaying this kind of behaviour and there are cues when the behaviour will escalate. I always stopped the behaviour before it started.

I think that’s a really good idea thank you. Saying it out loud would help me I think.

Don't beat yourself up. It is better to be a fawn than a nasty, rude, hateful person. In the past, maybe women in particular were "too nice" and yes, in hindsight this was one time where your natural response to be kind should have been different, but you'll be a much better mum than selfish, entitled people who never care about the feelings of others.

It’s easy for others to advise when they weren’t there,. You were trying to protect your baby without upsetting the little girl and making her more aggressive, and the situation worse.
No harm came to your baby, the little girl wasn’t upset so I think you did well in the circumstances.

The op’s assumption, guided by normal social conventions, would have been that the other mother would immediately act, if the interaction started to get difficult. By the time it became obvious that this wasn’t going to happen, the op was at a disadvantage, presumably unable to stand up easily without putting herself and her baby in a potentially more vulnerable position - all the while assuming that the mother would surely intervene at some point. She has nothing to blame herself for, and she successfully protected her baby.

I think it can be very difficult with additional needs, and I say that as a parent of a child with additional needs. A lot of people don't want to be seen to react badly and be ableist. When my dd was very small, she grabbed another small child in the park (wanting to say hello), I quickly removed her and got her to "say" sorry. The other parent kept telling me not to worry, it was alright! Firstly, it's not - I don't want my child to scare/hurt others and secondly, what kind of message is that to the poor child that was grabbed?

Think you’re being too hard on yourself. Your older child was already upset so you getting firmer with the girl could have made everything worse. Easy to have 20/20 hindsight

It all worked out fine so you did the right thing.

Yes, maybe you could have done xyz and maybe if you had things wouldn't have worked out so well.
No point dwelling on it though!