AIBU for not being firmer when a child grabbed my baby?

[Dinosaurhearmeroar]

Wasn’t sure where to put this but it’s a
bit of a ‘what would you have done?’ situation.

was at the park this afternoon - sunny day so busy and filled with kids. My daughter (4) went down the slide 🛝 as did DH and a girl was at the bottom helping people off eg grabbing hands and pulling them up with a cheer.

I was sitting nearby with my 5 month old having finished a feed. The girl came
bouncing over to me as did her mum and I realised she had learning difficulties. She was 9 and very friendly but with no boundaries - mum was hovering very nearby. Said girl put her hands on my baby and started saying how cute she was etc. all fine. She then asked if she could feed her and I said no she’s just fed and she proceeded to shove the bottle in her mouth. mum was standing right next to her and just said platitudes like ‘be careful’ etc. I was trying to get her to stop which eventually she did. I kept calm as she was quite erratic in her behaviour so I didn’t think raising my voice etc would help.

she then asked if she could hold my baby to which I said ‘no.’ The girl then grabbed her arm and leg and tried to cradle her to her chest. I was trying my best to keep the mood calm because when I said ‘no’ she would raise her voice and do it anyway - a behaviour that happened several times during this incident.

at this point DH and big sister (4) came to see me and baby (they’d been on the swings) and big sister was immediately unsettled by the girl. The girl was trying to hold baby again on her own and pulling her out of my arms - I was equally holding onto my baby pulling her to me. Big sister was now sitting next to me and started to cry hysterically at the scene as she was scared. The girl said “it’s my baby” and kept pulling her to me. I didn’t want to hurt my baby (!) in this tug of war and by now a scene was being made.

I kept calm throughout and said, “be gentle, let her go” etc but none of it worked. Mum was there the whole time letting it happen, occasionally interjecting with “be careful” etc. mum eventually got the girl off my baby and we walked away a little shaken by the whole thing. I felt sorry for the girl as she wasn’t quite sure what she was doing hence my patience.

in the car on the way home I chastised myself for not being firmer and asking mum to take the girl away but, weirdly, because mum was there allowing it all I thought perhaps that was the right thing to do/ best way to handle this little girl.

yabu - I did best I could do in that situation.

Yanbu - you should have told the little girl to get off regardless of her subsequent outburst.

Just stand up and walk off? How tall is this 9 year old?!

Quoting myself. I do wonder if OP overrode what most of us would consider her instinct for fear of offending the child/mother of a disabled child. Tricky situation.

Also what was your husband doing during this??

(You said he came over midway)

frankly? i would have said firmly and clearly to the girl "go away" and if she hadn't moved, i would have told the mum to get her child away from me. Had the girl tried to touch my baby after that i would have shouted, sharply, "NO" and then told her and her mum to go away.

My instinct was baby was fine as she was in my arms and mum was near. It was when it started to escalate with the grabbing and shouting that I didn’t know how to get out of it without the girl hurting baby/ me or herself.

i was sitting on a low rock with baby so girl was about two foot taller than me and looming!

Thai was your first time when this has happened. You will be more ready for the second, third, fourth....

Use it as learning. No harm was done so take the learning

FFS Nd or not it's not an excuse.

The other mother was the problem here. I have a child with learning disabilities who is very interested in babies so i know they can be difficult but there is no way i would have allowed her to do any of this.

I think you sound quite smart! I'm assuming your baby wasn't hurt. You noticed the other child was responding badly to firm boundaries and tried to find a balance. She very easily could have lashed out.

Don't be hard on yourself.

Thank you, that’s much appreciated as I am giving myself a very hard time for my reaction.

baby was absolutely fine throughout and I had her in my grip firmly - it was towards the end of the encounter that the girl started to get very grabby and it started to become a scene. That’s when mum finally intervened and lifted girl off and away.

This. I'd also worry that if I made sudden moves or raised my voice that the 9 year old might lash out. You don't know them or how they react to these things.

I also find that some (and I said some, not all) parents of children with SN can react badly to perceived criticism of their children. This mum should have got a better grip on the situation and the fact that she was right there and wasn't doing so wouldn't leave me with much hope that she'd react well to be told to manage her child.

In the future calmly saying to the parent, “I know your dc wants to be friendly but please can you take her away now” then say to the child, it’s nice to meet you now it’s time to go and play elsewhere, firmly, politely and pleasantly

Interesting because I read your OP and thought - this isn’t going to be the first time in your life you’ve overcome your own concern, comfort etc in order not to anger another person. That sounds like behaviour you learnt a long time ago.

In a way I envy your patience because since having a toddler I’m so used to telling her “Put that down! Say sorry! Don’t take that child’s toy!” etc that my filter level is basically zero and I have to struggle not to tell colleagues to blow their nose properly (joke but only just). But you clearly felt that your reaction today scared you a bit and so it’s probably something to practice. I do mean practice too - you can just say to yourself “No thank you! She doesn’t like that.” Or “Stop that please.”

If you aren’t going to speak to the mother then really you should have just removed yourself and your baby the second the child picked up the bottle and tried to put it in the baby’s mouth. You really shouldn’t have entertained it any further, but we all think of other solutions after the fact. At the end of the day your baby is fine so no point dwelling on what might have happened or what you should have done.

Her parent should have controlled her, learning difficulties is not an excuse.

Don’t worry about it, you did well keeping your cool and the mother was very much in the wrong here. The feeding thing would have e been an absolute no no for me and that mother should have reacted appropriately then. It was a bit of a unique situation, which is unlikely to happen again - don’t dwell on it, you did great.

I think you handled it well but to be honest I would likely have said something to the mum. The fact she allowed it to happen though shows what kind of mum she is and I’m sure you would have been met with a less than ideal response!

Strange how the mum didn’t intervene. Sadly, the park sometimes is full of parents who don’t watch their children. I recall when my DD was around 2, she wanted me to pop her on the see saw which was strictly for small children (very low to the ground). I crouched down the other side and was gently bouncing the see saw and my DD was loving it. Then some 10 year old girl (I think), comes up to me and sits right in the part directly in front of me, pushing me out of my crouching position and starts bouncing quite hard and fast. Obviously, I can’t manhandle this girl in a park I tried a, “Hey what are you doing?” briefly but then seeing the girl didn’t care, I got my child off fast. I had a few curt words with the girl’s mum who finally unfroze from looking at her mobile.

Just stand up and take the baby out of reach. Other mum didn’t handle this at all but neither did you.

Stand up and walk a few steps away next time.

Remove yourself from situation

Don't feel bad about it, these things happen. You can work out in your head what to do for next time and then you'll just put into practice what you've already planned.

Your baby was fine and has no knowledge of what happened. So there is absolutely no need to feel bad about it, no-one got hurt

You're not the first or last person to panic a bit and freeze. You don't know how the alternative would have played out x

You are a mum. This little girl needed someone to say no to her. Next time pick your baby up. Baby is out of little girls reach. Tell her to go back and play. Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t be dramatic.

I expect you were shocked and couldn't think quickly enough. Another time perhaps you would stand up, hug your baby tight and say goodbye, then walk away leaving her mum to deal with the child.

This, in ops defence I’d be thinking (probably seen as paranoia). If I say anything the mother sees as negative I’ll be having my photo taken and put on soc media as a hateful abusive person

You needed to be more assertive cos the child's mother sure wasn't being.