AIBU for not being firmer when a child grabbed my baby?

[Dinosaurhearmeroar]

Wasn’t sure where to put this but it’s a
bit of a ‘what would you have done?’ situation.

was at the park this afternoon - sunny day so busy and filled with kids. My daughter (4) went down the slide 🛝 as did DH and a girl was at the bottom helping people off eg grabbing hands and pulling them up with a cheer.

I was sitting nearby with my 5 month old having finished a feed. The girl came
bouncing over to me as did her mum and I realised she had learning difficulties. She was 9 and very friendly but with no boundaries - mum was hovering very nearby. Said girl put her hands on my baby and started saying how cute she was etc. all fine. She then asked if she could feed her and I said no she’s just fed and she proceeded to shove the bottle in her mouth. mum was standing right next to her and just said platitudes like ‘be careful’ etc. I was trying to get her to stop which eventually she did. I kept calm as she was quite erratic in her behaviour so I didn’t think raising my voice etc would help.

she then asked if she could hold my baby to which I said ‘no.’ The girl then grabbed her arm and leg and tried to cradle her to her chest. I was trying my best to keep the mood calm because when I said ‘no’ she would raise her voice and do it anyway - a behaviour that happened several times during this incident.

at this point DH and big sister (4) came to see me and baby (they’d been on the swings) and big sister was immediately unsettled by the girl. The girl was trying to hold baby again on her own and pulling her out of my arms - I was equally holding onto my baby pulling her to me. Big sister was now sitting next to me and started to cry hysterically at the scene as she was scared. The girl said “it’s my baby” and kept pulling her to me. I didn’t want to hurt my baby (!) in this tug of war and by now a scene was being made.

I kept calm throughout and said, “be gentle, let her go” etc but none of it worked. Mum was there the whole time letting it happen, occasionally interjecting with “be careful” etc. mum eventually got the girl off my baby and we walked away a little shaken by the whole thing. I felt sorry for the girl as she wasn’t quite sure what she was doing hence my patience.

in the car on the way home I chastised myself for not being firmer and asking mum to take the girl away but, weirdly, because mum was there allowing it all I thought perhaps that was the right thing to do/ best way to handle this little girl.

yabu - I did best I could do in that situation.

Yanbu - you should have told the little girl to get off regardless of her subsequent outburst.

Neither - you should have told the mother to take her daughter away.

Sounds like a tough situation OP and sounds like you handled it well and calmly. I think it would have been easy to instinctively raise your voice and panic which wouldn’t have done anyone any good.

The moment that girl started to shove the bottle in your baby's mouth is the moment you should have firmly told the mother to remove her child.

SN or no, your baby is not a toy and could have been hurt by being grabbed and pulled on.

It’s easy to look back and be critical of yourself but the child and the mother broke the social contract by behaving so poorly. The mother of the child absolutely should have intervened.

Why did you not look at the mum and say something? I wouldn't let a 9yo manhandle my tiny baby?

Exactly.

Take her away, please. That's enough, please take her away.

Not just sitting there like a wet lettuce hoping she stops.

You needed a third option in your OP - you should have been speaking firmly and directly to the girls mother. You could have done that and also given the girl a big smile and said all the nice calm things you said as well. But the mum needed a firm word.

I'm really suprised the mum didn't interviene, you've made it sound quite brutal.
I'd probably have stood up with baby, said off you go back to mum loudly, and if mum still didn't get the hint I'd have directly asked her to come and get her child. I wouldn't have worried about upsetting someone, special needs or not, while a random child was pulling at my baby.

Oof. A wet lettuce? A little harsh.

As always, the first response nailed it OP, you should have said to the Mum, 'please can you take your little one away, I really don't want her handling my baby?' Instead, you were very wishy washy, which could have resulted in your baby getting hurt.

You should have told the mum to take her child away. I can’t believe she didn’t of her own accord.

I have reacted the same as you in similar situations - my fight/flight response is to freeze - At the time in my mind i’m thinking ‘is this ok?’But No one else is reacting so it must be’ then afterwards once you have time to process it you realise

don’t beat yourself up - I can’t understand why her mum didn’t intervene

Yep mum did barely anything so I was left to deal with it on my own. I genuinely didn’t know what to do and I wasn’t in a position to walk away as the girl was aggressive if you defied her.

It was a tricky situation and I do feel quite shit now.

okay fair enough.

Thank you - that’s exactly how I felt.

It’s easy to say you should have said this or you should have said that , when you’re actually in the situation it doesn’t always work like that

Don't feel shit, just practice saying no and being a bit more assertive. This was an easy situation to be assertive in as you were dealing with a child

The first thing I’d have done would be to stand up which would have prevented all of the following but hindsight is a great thing. You’ll know for next time

You're bigger than the child. So what if she got aggressive to you? You physically needed to overcome your obvious fawn response to protect your baby. Shout loudly to the mum. Make it clear this is not ok. Or she'll sit there staring into space while the child does it to someone else.

My sister has a child with additional needs and it’s exhausting - it also means that her radar when my niece is upsetting people is a little off as she has to tune out so much low level difficult behaviour and only focus on the really really dangerous stuff. So sometimes when we’re out it’s me who intervenes as I’m quicker to spot when people are getting annoyed (and I have more energy as I’m only on alert for a few hours!).

Don’t feel bad OP and I’m sorry my first response was a bit harsh. I can guarantee that the girls mum probably feels worse (either when she thinks over the incident or, if it passed her by, just plain exhausted from parenting a high needs child all day). Enjoy your baby ❤️

I’d have stood up at the point she grabbed the bottle, and if she kept grabbing at the baby I’d have been firm with the mother to please stop her daughter. If it had still continued, I’d have called DH (because he’s quite tall) to take the baby and hold her out of reach.
I wouldn’t have just sat there letting her continue.

The girl’s mother sounds useless.

I just googled fawn response and that is me to a t, all my life really. Another poster said hindsight is a wonderful
thing so I will know for next time.

That was also my first thought. Had it been an aggressive or bouncy dog, that would have been my first instinct in order to protect my child. Unless OP is not much taller than the 9 year old?

I know hindsight is a wonderful thing, but this just seems instinctive, no?

This is my thinking, surely you're instinct would be to protect your baby? Shout no?

Often in stress situations we freeze a bit and don’t react how we imagine we will. These experiences are all learning, baby isn’t hurt but chalk it up to experience, now you know some parents will not intervene when they should and you have to be more vocal.