AIBU for not being firmer when a child grabbed my baby?

[Dinosaurhearmeroar]

Wasn’t sure where to put this but it’s a
bit of a ‘what would you have done?’ situation.

was at the park this afternoon - sunny day so busy and filled with kids. My daughter (4) went down the slide 🛝 as did DH and a girl was at the bottom helping people off eg grabbing hands and pulling them up with a cheer.

I was sitting nearby with my 5 month old having finished a feed. The girl came
bouncing over to me as did her mum and I realised she had learning difficulties. She was 9 and very friendly but with no boundaries - mum was hovering very nearby. Said girl put her hands on my baby and started saying how cute she was etc. all fine. She then asked if she could feed her and I said no she’s just fed and she proceeded to shove the bottle in her mouth. mum was standing right next to her and just said platitudes like ‘be careful’ etc. I was trying to get her to stop which eventually she did. I kept calm as she was quite erratic in her behaviour so I didn’t think raising my voice etc would help.

she then asked if she could hold my baby to which I said ‘no.’ The girl then grabbed her arm and leg and tried to cradle her to her chest. I was trying my best to keep the mood calm because when I said ‘no’ she would raise her voice and do it anyway - a behaviour that happened several times during this incident.

at this point DH and big sister (4) came to see me and baby (they’d been on the swings) and big sister was immediately unsettled by the girl. The girl was trying to hold baby again on her own and pulling her out of my arms - I was equally holding onto my baby pulling her to me. Big sister was now sitting next to me and started to cry hysterically at the scene as she was scared. The girl said “it’s my baby” and kept pulling her to me. I didn’t want to hurt my baby (!) in this tug of war and by now a scene was being made.

I kept calm throughout and said, “be gentle, let her go” etc but none of it worked. Mum was there the whole time letting it happen, occasionally interjecting with “be careful” etc. mum eventually got the girl off my baby and we walked away a little shaken by the whole thing. I felt sorry for the girl as she wasn’t quite sure what she was doing hence my patience.

in the car on the way home I chastised myself for not being firmer and asking mum to take the girl away but, weirdly, because mum was there allowing it all I thought perhaps that was the right thing to do/ best way to handle this little girl.

yabu - I did best I could do in that situation.

Yanbu - you should have told the little girl to get off regardless of her subsequent outburst.

Basic language works here: no you can't, go play (smile and head tilt)

Your mum is there, go see her

Etc etc.

It is perfectly ok to firmly tell a child off or shout at them you know! Why were you trying to be patient when your baby was pulled by a stranger. DO NOT let this happen again.

Honestly I do not understand this “polite” bollocks.

I think you are being harsh on yourself here. It all ended fine.

The mother should have intervened sooner but I assume didn't pick up on your discomfort. Probably as a pp said because she is with her dd all of the time.

It would have been equally fine if you had stood up or told the girl (or her mother ) to move away. It's easy with hindsight to judge yourself.

It's difficult to understand how you weren't able to just stand up. Then you would have been on the same level as the mum and could have chatted to her, told her you weren't comfortable with what her daughter was doing and how rough she was being with your baby. It also seems like you had the perfect opportunity to get up when your DH came back? I'm all for being polite and trying to understand the situation, but I can't imagine being so passive.

And you didn’t think to stand up?

No I didn’t think to stand up - it’s all a bit of a blur as I was just trying to keep things calm as she was very reactive. I’m not sure why I didn’t stand up - I am disappointed in my reaction but I know for next time to go against my learned people pleaser response. I have ADHD and am mildly autistic so sometimes get it a little wrong even though I think it’s right at the time - I still think my keeping calm was the right thing though.

Noone knows how they would react in the moment, unless it happened.
I had similar when a boy hurt my daughter. That mother was also ineffective

You should have just stood up. Big sister sounds overly dramatic too.

Iif the child has no comprehension of how her actions impact others than it can be a reason fot the behavour
That said the mother sounds pretty useless
My son is sevely autistic he wouldnt be allowed to get in arms reach of the baby
.

As others have said, you should have told the mum to step in and look after her child. Instead you both let it play out and in the meantime your little baby could have been hurt. That’s not the child’s fault; that’s down to the adults including you.

Picturing the scene, you are sat down with this little girl grabbing at the baby, the bottle and mum not doing anything. I think I would have automatically stood up with my baby so that baby was out of the little girl's reach.
I'm not judging you at all op but you asked wwyd and I honestly think that would have been my instinct.

That's really scary and it makes sense that you would freeze and be unable to think clearly in that situation.

Her Mum really needs to get a handle on that type of behaviour as other people might react very differently to someone attempting to grab their baby. She could also try to take a baby out of a pram and end up in handcuffs.

Mum was there the whole time letting it happen

As did you.

Lesson learned though, be firmer next time and speak to the parent.

No harm done but you'll have to learn to advocate for your baby if you're ever in this position again.

I initially thought you should have either removed yourself or spoken directly to the mother. But, as they say, hindsight is a wonderful thing.

However, as the mother to a son with severe autism and learning disabilities, you were definitely right to have kept calm. If someone were to raise their voice to my son or even tell him a firm "no", there is a chance that he would lash out and, in this situation, could have really hurt your baby, and probably you as well. He is 11, but at 5ft 5", he is also very strong.

If I were to give benefit of the doubt to the other mother, she maybe wasn't as insistent as she should have been as she knew if she intervened, her daughter may have reacted badly.

Knowing what I do about my son, I would never let him get that close to a smaller child, let alone a baby. I watch him like a hawk and shadow him everywhere. My son has no understanding of the consequences of his lashing out, nor is he able to control it. That's why it's my duty to make sure nobody is put in a position like the one you were in.

I had something like this with my days old baby once, though she was in a sling and I was standing. An excitable boy (I'd guess 7-8ish years in age) wouldn't leave us alone and kept getting in my way and touching her in the supermarket while his mum hovered, gawped and said 'careful'. I did tell him no & took his hand off my baby, but nicely, and afterwards regretted not telling his mum in more a firm tone to knock it off.

It'll probably never happen again OP but if it does, you'll likely override the fawn response...which was just your brain's way of defusing the situation.

OP, I think you’re getting a hard time. I completely agree that it’s easy to feel you’re being overly cautious / OTT when the parent of an over zealous child is doing nothing to intervene. I’ve been there myself. If they’re not saying anything, then they obviously think the behaviour isn’t that bad…and if you speak up, then it’s likely to cause a conflict.

I think I would have moved away with baby in arms. Never know until you’re in the situation though. The girl with additional needs Mum maybe took her cue from you and didn’t react because you were calm.

You did the best, but I would have stood up and walked away with baby or said to mum firmly ‘get her away from the baby right now’

I agree with this actually I have a three year old who is very interested in babies and I definitely take the cue from the mum

Ignore the posters who always say 'I would have done xyz' actually in real life it's completely different and most of us freeze/dither/take time to process. You sound like you handled it absolutely fine. Yes of course you can reflect on how you could have handled it better but do not berate yourself for a moment.

Yes I think you’re right - I was equally taking my cue from her. She was ineffective though - her daughter went up to another baby in a pram and got right in his face and started putting his dummy in and playing with his legs. The mum of that little boy was by the pram and didn’t do anything, just smiled and went along with it. I think out of awkwardness maybe?

sorry don’t mean to drip feed - just remembered that bit!

Have to disagree here - big sister is only just 4 and was very upset about a bigger girl grabbing at her sister and saying “it’s my baby.” That’s horrible for a child. Husband was now here (he came with daughter) and that’s when the incident ended (as per my first post).

Quite the opposite I think - OP recognised the child has learning needs and was trying to manage that, which the useless parent was clearly not. I can see that was hard.

If you meet them again, OP, speak calmly but firmly to the parent. ‘You need to take your daughter away from my baby right now.’

I think your elder daughter sounds very empathetic - my five year old would be equally upset if someone tried to hurt her little brother (albeit she'd probably yell at them 😅). It sounds distressing for all of you. I think you're a better woman than I for keeping so calm, and you definitely minimised distress for both your children, so well done. I think the question is whether you could have stopped it/stepped up your response if things had escalated further? I don't think you should beat yourself up at all, but maybe you could practise saying some of the suggestions on this thread in a loud voice, in the mirror maybe? It sounds daft but rehearsing it can really help.

I'd have told her loudly and firmly to let go of the baby, she is hurting him. If no joy, push her away gently and stand up to prevent her grabbing him again and tell the mother, please remove your daughter, I don't want my baby manhandled.