AIBU to be surprised by how much some parents seem to use punishments?

[TheFairCat]

There have been a couple of threads recently about smacking and other types of discipline etc. The general consensus seems to be that smacking isn’t great but that without it parents have very little control over their children and don’t know how to ‘discipline’ them.

There also seems to be lot of talk about ‘consequences’ and banning devices, cancelling plans, taking toys away etc.

AIBU to be really surprised by this? I am by NO MEANS a ‘perfect’ parent (if such a thing exists) but generally my children just do what I ask them to do because I ask them. I have never even come close to smacking them and rarely if ever confiscate things (I might have taken things away if they were throwing them etc, but only briefly out of reach while I re-directed). Most of the time if I ask them to do something and they start complaining it’s enough just to give them ‘the look’. Similarly a raised eye-brow will often do the trick.

my eldest (10) is ND with some learning difficulties and parenting her is demanding in many, many ways but she does do as she’s asked most of the time. Both kids know what is expected and what behaviour is acceptable and for example, if my daughter is stroppy about doing something (tells me to go away, refuses to do it etc) I don’t generally have to ‘do’ anything. I just give it a bit of time and she will come and apologise and I’ll say something along the lines of ‘it’s OK to be frustrated, but it’s not OK to shout at me’ etc. and then she’ll do the thing I asked her to do and no more will be said about it. I guess some people might be shocked at how she’s spoken to me, but she will apologise of her own accord and will always be expected to do the thing I asked of her. I don’t know if maybe I just have low expectations/don’t ask for much? Basically both children know that we expect to be treated with kindness and respect and that they do what they are asked to (put away their dishes, put their clothes away, tidy up their mess, turn off their screens when asked, eat at the table etc.). I feel like they do those things because they don’t want us to be cross with them/want to please us? I guess I’m quite strict in that I have firm boundaries and definite ‘red lines’. I expect them to do things for themselves if they can, but they are allowed to express their feelings and emotions and I do listen.

They are currently 8 and 10. Am I in for a shock??

I agree. I think if you treat your children with kindness and respect they will do the same to you. There is no role for physical violence. To me that means you have lost your temper, and you’re teaching them it’s ok for people they love to hit them.

Good for you. I too have a similar approach with my kids. They are lovely kids. However they do need to understand punishment and consequence so i applaud the parents who put on sanctions. Some kids need that as they would go off the rails especially when they are teenagers and their friends are more of an influence.
We have a 17 year old who was head boy at his senior school who is very different now at college. Every now and again we need to clip his wings as he can be a handful.

It depends on the child as much as the parent. Some children are naturally risk averse and happy to follow instructions. Others have an innate need to be always pushing boundaries.

There is no one true parenting method that works for everyone you just muddle together what your child needs with what you are capable of giving, and do your best.

If your kids are happy and healthy then keep doing what you are doing and be thankful.

Shocker - some kids are very easy to parent. Some are not and require more consequences (I don't advocate smacking)

AIBU to be really surprised by this? I am by NO MEANS a ‘perfect’ parent (if such a thing exists) but generally my children just do what I ask them to do because I ask them. I have never even come close to smacking them and rarely if ever confiscate things (I might have taken things away if they were throwing them etc, but only briefly out of reach while I re-directed). Most of the time if I ask them to do something and they start complaining it’s enough just to give them ‘the look’. Similarly a raised eye-brow will often do the trick.

What would you like as a prize, a box of Smarties?

Why are you on the internet pretending to be surprised at different children having different personalities, and some having much stronger wills that others?

That all sounds completely normal, op.

As with everything, people tend to post more about stuff that isn’t going well. If you’re struggling with a child’s behaviour you’re more likely to ask for advice.

Surely at some point when they were young and letting g boundaries etc then they didn’t just do what you asked. Maybe your kids are naturally very compliant and obedient so you had an easy time teaching them to do what has been asked of them - lucky you!
I have a 3 year old and if I never gave some kind of consequence for rudeness or not listening etc then he’d never learn anything.
Obviously I don’t agree with smacking, but I will confiscate toys, especially if he’s throwing them. Or occasionally he’ll have a little time out if he’s being physical eg hitting or spitting.
Different kids will respond differently won’t they. Some might need a consequence once and learn from it, some might need it multiple times before they understand 🤷🏻‍♀️

but generally my children just do what I ask them to do because I ask them

You are coming from a place of extreme ignorance.

<hands op an even bigger smugger spoon>

This

I’m the same as you - I have two ND kids. One has significant needs so it’s different with him but we still have expectations and these are generally met (he’s 8 but emotionally and intellectually like a 2/3 year old).

The older is 13 and autistic (likely also has ADHD). We were told at his last parents evening what a pleasure he is to teach and his behaviour and kindness to others is a credit to us.

We are bringing him up as you describe, kindness, empathy, firm boundaries etc.

I’ve not really had to punish him - it’s more natural consequences and discussion.

I supppse the ‘term’ used is authoritative parenting? That’s what suits both of us - it’s not perfect and done days parenting is shit but the worst days would not be made better by hitting my kids.

Are you really, genuinely shocked by this? Have you actually been parenting for 10 years and not figured out that there isn't one universal way of doing it? Wow. Do you not know many other parents then?

Or maybe its also his autism? One of mine who's asd wouldn't dare put a foot wrong but their over compliance is actually not very healthy.

Some people don’t handle their kids well, and have a harder time with them. Some parents don’t give quality input to their children and are left with resentful kids who clearly don’t respect or like their parents.

It's because you laid a firm foundation. My son skewers on the defiant end of the spectrum in that he was most challenging in many ways. He did really explore how firm those boundaries were at pretty much every stage. Once he understood they are very firm, he stopped.

It isnt that every child is the same and your child might really be "easier", but i very much believe that if you have a firm foundation, there isn't the room to go wild, for want of a better term.

I think the pendulum has swung back a bit with respect to how people perceive smacking. I was on that thread the other day and was taken aback by how many people were suggesting that there was sometimes no other sanction. Five years ago no one would have dared to make that argument, even anonymously.

I think there's a bit of a fashion for the moment for "back to basics" parenting, with a lot of people getting misty-eyed for the days when kids were sent to "play out" for hours every day and expected to entertain themselves. Or the endless threads bashing "gentle" parenting (which invariably turns out not to mean gentle parenting, it means permissive parenting).

It's very en vogue at the moment to be a bit more Victorian with your children. I'm sure it will pass eventually but I do worry about the idea of physical punishment of children becoming more acceptable. Outside of a few extreme circumstances, such as a child posing a risk of immediate physical harm to themselves or someone else, smacking children is cruel and counterproductive. There's no parenting problem for which violence is a good solution.

My first DC was like yours. Dear god am I pleased I was only silently smug about it because the second handed me my arse over and over.

I’m not sure if it’s representing the RL, but punishment, taking things away is THE way to discipline kids on MN.
And often, if you say that no you don’t do that, but are struggling with xyz, then you’re told you’re too lax, not parenting them etc….

Funnily enough, I have found that punishing my dcs had tge opposite effect and made things harder 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️
Youre doing well @TheFairCat . And no it’s not ‘just’ because your dcs are easy.

If people haven’t taught their children to be kind to each other, put their dishes away, tidy their room, do what they’re told… then they will have a bigger battle, more pushback, when they start asking. If it’s always been expected- like in your home- as you’re finding in the long run there is substantially less discipline needed.

What do you mean by firm boundaries? What if he breaches them? Boundaries can only really be firm is there is a consequence of not remaining in them.

So you’re not shocked that smacking seems to be an ok thing to do (again)?

OK…. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

@RudolphTheReindeer - he’s not overly compliant and happy to push boundaries. We just have a consistent approach that took us time to realise was the most effective way.

Before he was diagnosed and we didn’t know what was going on it was extremely hard and we used the time outs, naughty step, removing toys etc. It created a high conflict and high stress environment in which all of us felt constantly anxious and sad/angry about.

He was also unhappy at school and found the rules applied inconsistently and consequences not making sense really hard.

We changed things significantly about 3/4 years ago to how we parent now and our household is much calmer and happier. I’m not looking for a compliant kid btw - I want a happy and calm one who behaves appropriately but who can be himself.

He’s at an ASD specialist school whose approach mirrors ours and he’s doing very very well.

Punishments never really worked on my kids, but luckily they're pretty reasonable (and I'm reasonable in return). I can generally discipline them with a look - but it did take work, you can't wuss out, you have to follow through and enforce your high expectations (not that I consider mine particularly high - no fuss, and when I say no, I mean no and there's no discussion, although I'm open to negotiation up until that point if you have a good argument.)

I've no idea which of it is nature vs. nurture - but they're both boys, and both either bigger or the same size as me by now, so I knew from the off that I had to have firm control because it's too late to try to exert that once they're bigger than you.

I said that we have natural consequences.

Doesn’t make his lunch the night before? No lunch or gas to eat school lunch (which he hates)

Doesn’t shower at an appropriate time? No time left for gaming as gaming is only allowed after dinner and shower.

Doesn’t put laundry in the basket? No clean clothes and he hates dirty clothes.

I was as smug as you. Until DC 3 came along and showed me that the gentle parenting approach isn't always effective. He does not care about pleasing others at all!