AIBU to refuse childcare while my sister goes to Ibiza?

[whatsthecraicc]

At my wits end with my sister. Shes always been chaotic and our family have always bent over backwards to help her.

3 years ago she text me saying she was pregnant. She had been talking a while about wanting baby but she was only 23, and not in the right head space. She told 3 different men that they might be the dad and for dna tests. I just couldn’t believe it to be honest, and just felt from day one she wouldn’t be able to cope.

It was drama from day 1. The dad stepped up and from birth supported her financially and saw his/their child regularly. Now the baby is 2, and he has her more than 50% of the week. My mum has reinforced to my sister that this is “right” and my nieces day should be stepping up (?) - he’s ALWAYS stepped up from day 1?

My sister hasn’t changed her life since she had her daughter. She still goes out drinking, still does what she wants. She got together with another man when she was 1 month postpartum and devoted most of her time to dating, at the expense of her daughter. She regularly changes her days with her daughter and asks if her dad can look after her. Shes always “working” on the weekends, and on the rare occasion she has her daughter scheduled to see her, she always asks me or our mum to “help” her.

Since Christmas she hasn’t had one weekend with her child. Today she’s text me asking if I can “do her contact days” for 2 weeks in August as she is going to Ibiza with her friends. I’ve asked why she’s leaving her daughter to do this and got a load of vitriol back from her, saying she’s a single mum and deserves a break. She text me back later and said her daughter’s father is having their daughter for 10 days, and then my mum is having her for a day, can I have her for 2 days?

I’m so annoyed. I love my niece but I feel like I’m supporting a lifestyle for my sister which is incompatible with being a mum!

I feel stuck in the middle and judgemental …

I think I’d be really torn on the one hand obviously you want a relationship with your niece and to protect her from the chaos. On the other if you help out to much she might decide life is grand and she’d like to another child to her binfire of an existence.

Of course it's OP's business if her sister is dumping her niece on her! Her sister is making it her business.

She's a shit mum who doesn't deserve to have a kid. I'm sick of irresponsible idiots who neglect their kids.

Your sister decided at 23 she wanted a baby, and got herself pregnant. Unfortunately, the little Instagram fantasy of having a baby, didn't match up to the reality of life with a baby. She quickly realised that having a child, cramped her style and stopped her from pursuing her single, care free life. Her answer is to palm her daughter off to over 50% of the time with her daughter's Dad, and time at the weekend she should be having contact, her daughter is either with her Dad or grandmother.

I agree with others if her daughter is spending over 50% of time with her Dad, then he's actually her primary carer, not your sister. She would be better off living with her Dad, and having EOW with her Mum. That might sound harsh, but what's the point in the little girl spending any more time with her Mum? Mum isn't interested in spending time with her daughter! All that happens is the poor child, is shipped off to her grandmother or the OP..

Why your Mum has tolerated your sister's behaviour, I really don't know. If I'd behaved in that way, my Mum would have read me the riot act, way before now. Your Mum isn't helping your sister, she's enabling her behaviour.

If you refuse the 2 days, realistically what do you think will happen? Your sister isn't going to not go away. She'll either ask your Mum or her ex. Your sister is much too selfish to be a parent, and that's not going to change any time soon. She's incapable of putting her daughter before her own wants, and will prioritise men, social life before her daughter.

Personally, I'd do the 2 days for your niece's sake. You need a conversation with your Mum though, because you need to both be on the same page, and show a united front, against your sister, for any change in her behaviour to happen.

I would say No, IMHO, you should tell your Mother she is enabling the Princess, it is neither of your jobs to fill in for all her childcare, whilst she does almost none.
I would potentially let the Dad know that I would look after the child for him if he needed, & He should go for full care as she is not interested

What do you mean it's "no better" if she stays with her own dad who already has her the majority of the time?

OP i probably would have her, simply to maintain a good relationship with your niece. But I'd also be in touch with the dad and let him know you would support him in applying for full custody

Not unreasonable at all. Your mum and the baby's dad can enable her if they wish to do so but I'd have no part in it.

Definitely refuse the 2 days, for your own sanity don't do it. What you could do is, take your nice out for a walk, to the local playground, for a ice cream. That way, you get to spend some time with her and your mum gets a break.

If a bloke hadn’t had his child for a single weekend this year, bearing in mind we are in June, I’d think he was as shit a dad as he is a mum.

Incoming Ibiza baby 2…

Really surprised the dad hasn’t applied for full custody.

She is not a single mom. She's not a mom at all. Don't enable her nonsense.

Well its being enabled by a bunch of people and the kid is being neglected at times by the sound of it.

It would force the issue with other family members into a more stable situation.

In this situation OP no that doesn't work for me is a complete sentence and the end of the conversation.

Otherwise your simply enabling the behaviour further. Yes it's sad for your niece to basically be treated like a doll by your sister but it sounds like she has a decent dad. Your sister will not learn if she is allowed to continue on like this.

Also she doesn't need a break if the dad has more then 50% contact. Most parents of young children get very little downtime let alone half the week or even a 2 week holiday. It's completely taking the piss so the single mother card is a complete red herring!

I’d certainly be saying no also, she’s a terrible parent so don’t be an enabler for that

Not at all unreasonable to say no. Not reasonable for her to wheedle or fume or punish you for saying no. She has plenty of other options. No need to feel guilty. or to give her a reason. I do feel sorry for the child but at least it sounds like she has one responsible parent. Your mum is a negative influence here, unfortunately, but that's not your responsibility either.

No I’m not able to do that. And bloody dont!

To quote Grange Hill, Just Say No.

Honestly so many of these responses saying that the family are enabling the sister and they should just tell her to grow up.

it sounds very much like the sister will then just leave the child in the care of the child’s father, or possibly unreliable friends. This way the mother gets to spend time with her granddaughter, make sure she is loved and cared for and isn’t showing signs of neglect or even abuse. That’s why. OP I would do this for your niece unless the alternative is that your sister will stay at home and act like a decent mum (doesn’t sound at all likely!)

I suppose at the end of the day you feeling all mixed up and guilty for feeling judgy serves no purpose . Your within your rights to feel judgy.
Your sister will go on this holiday and many more to come .
So I'm going to say what every other poster has said.
Look after DN to be a consistent female person In her life along side her granny's etc..
Speak to your mum and say how your feeling she may jump to the defense of your sister and at that point you need to evaluate your family dynamics and if you want to be involved with that dynamic.
Check in with your DNS birth father, tbh he may need a break and see what his point of view is.
Finally I'd like to pose a question how does a 26 year old "single mother" afford two weeks in Ibiza .I was a single mum once upon a time and couldn't afford branded sauce or a car that was above £500. In later years I've been to Ibiza for a weekend and that cost the best part of a grand. ....it's clear your sister has different priorities to most parents and that is sad for your niece.

The thing I said was none of OPs business was the fact that her sister regularly changes contact days with the child’s dad, that’s between them two, in that situation she isn’t dumping the child on OP she’s asking the child’s dad so yes that is none of OPs business.

Of course YANBU, say no!

Poor wee soul

Is this a reverse and it’s your brother as this sounds like most dads I know who all get applauded ‘at least he takes the child sometimes so you get a break!

I agree with this wholeheartedly. I basically did this for my nieces and it’s paid dividends. They’ve grown into lovely young women and I still have a great relationship with them.