AIBU to refuse childcare while my sister goes to Ibiza?

[whatsthecraicc]

At my wits end with my sister. Shes always been chaotic and our family have always bent over backwards to help her.

3 years ago she text me saying she was pregnant. She had been talking a while about wanting baby but she was only 23, and not in the right head space. She told 3 different men that they might be the dad and for dna tests. I just couldn’t believe it to be honest, and just felt from day one she wouldn’t be able to cope.

It was drama from day 1. The dad stepped up and from birth supported her financially and saw his/their child regularly. Now the baby is 2, and he has her more than 50% of the week. My mum has reinforced to my sister that this is “right” and my nieces day should be stepping up (?) - he’s ALWAYS stepped up from day 1?

My sister hasn’t changed her life since she had her daughter. She still goes out drinking, still does what she wants. She got together with another man when she was 1 month postpartum and devoted most of her time to dating, at the expense of her daughter. She regularly changes her days with her daughter and asks if her dad can look after her. Shes always “working” on the weekends, and on the rare occasion she has her daughter scheduled to see her, she always asks me or our mum to “help” her.

Since Christmas she hasn’t had one weekend with her child. Today she’s text me asking if I can “do her contact days” for 2 weeks in August as she is going to Ibiza with her friends. I’ve asked why she’s leaving her daughter to do this and got a load of vitriol back from her, saying she’s a single mum and deserves a break. She text me back later and said her daughter’s father is having their daughter for 10 days, and then my mum is having her for a day, can I have her for 2 days?

I’m so annoyed. I love my niece but I feel like I’m supporting a lifestyle for my sister which is incompatible with being a mum!

I feel stuck in the middle and judgemental …

Just say "No sorry I can't make those dates". You don't have to be part of enabling this circus.

Tbh I feel the child’s dad needs to go for full custody! Your sister is not capable of parenting!
As poster above says just say sorry I can’t cover those dates.

“No sorry, be a mother & actually look after your child. You deadbeat.”

She isn't caring for her. Don't take up the slack if you don't want to end up doing this for the next 15 years.

You are not being unreasonable not to do childcare, but it does sound as though (assuming what you've written really is the full story) your niece should be living full time with her dad. The one positive she seems to have is a fully committed father, which is not common in that type of situation so hopefully he's a good man and the little girl's main parent anyway.

If I were you, or your mum, I’d be wiping the floor with her. She’s a disgrace! Why are you all enabling this? The poor child sounds unwanted by everyone except for her biological father.

I would do it OP, not for your sister but for your niece.

It sounds like you sister has serious issues and is unlikely to ever step up as a mother. It's really good the child's father has been willing to be the main parent. But it's always good for a child to have close relationships with other adults in the family and I think especially so in this case, and especially a female relative.

So while it feels like abetting your sisters bad behaviour, I would simply cut her out of the whole thing and consider it a change to build a supportive relationship with your niece. At some point shd may need someone she can talk to from your side of the family or a stable female role model to show her that women are not all like her mum.

Sounds like you all need to be more direct with her and tell her to grow up and act like a proper mother.

Say no, now.

Don't be surprised if you say no, you are still expected to have your niece and find her dumped on you.

If this happens don't take her. Report to social services because honestly this looks like the point where they need to be involved for your niece's sake.

Tell her it doesn't work for you. The child's dad needs to apply full custody.

I object to "unwanted by everyone" OP didnt choose to have her. Im sick of seeing aunts and uncles roped into the "unwanted by everyone" emotional blackmail. Aunts and uncles of the children get NO SAY in TTC but perhaps they fucking should if this is the expectation

@whatsthecraicc you should refuse, but no question that she'll go anyway and leave it to you, your niece's dad and your mum to sort it out.
I don't understand why your mum colludes with this behaviour?

I’m in the ‘would take her for the sake of the niece’ camp but this is terrible and I see why there’s a good argument for not enabling this behaviour, to try and force a crisis and some change. The only positive here is that she hasn’t had another child (yet).

This is the only reason I can see for considering looking after your niece, and it's definitely worth considering it.

Yea, building up a good relationship with your niece is a good idea.
But not to your own detriment, i.e. taking care of her while your sister wants to go off on a jolly to Ibiza.

Just pray and hope she doesn't come back pregnant.....

TBH im pissed off at your mum for not giving her a propper bollocking years ago. I cant believe she's not had a weekend at home with her own DD this YEAR and we're in June!!

What does she plan on doing when her DD starts school? Will she ever see her if she works weekends?

I can see why you want to say no, but all it'll mean is her dad or your mum has her more days and that is no better really.

Are you in a position to give niece's dad a ring and see what his take is on this? I would be trying to support whatever he thinks is in niece's interests. Find out whether by taking DNiece you'd be actually helping him or DNiece, or just being your sister's flying monkey.

This doesn't sound like a criticism, more a 'He's doing it as it's right' -

My mum has reinforced to my sister that this is “right” and my nieces day should be stepping up (?) - he’s ALWAYS stepped up from day 1?

“Since Christmas she hasn’t had one weekend with her child.”
OP, this is outrageous, and wanting to waltz off to Ibiza and leave her DD behind is just awful. I agree with PP who say the father should have full custody - your DSis is just being hedonistic and utterly disregarding her DD’s needs. I completely understand that you’re between a rock and a hard place - if you agree to take DN, you’re enabling your sister; if you don’t, it’s her DD who suffers. Someone has to tell your sister to grow up and face up to her responsibilities.

I agree with this. Do it for your niece.
And when your sister gets back you and mum need to sit her down ( out of earshot of niece) and really really talk to her.
Single mum she is. But doesn’t behave like one
It does not give her some sort of licence to go out and carry on as if she is single and not a mum.

What the heck is social services going to do that is better than what her aunt can do?

Having a break? Taking care of your child is what a parent should be doing

I mean that's probably the mums thought process. Great to have a child but not to her own detriment....

Yeah!