AIBU to refuse childcare while my sister goes to Ibiza?

[whatsthecraicc]

At my wits end with my sister. Shes always been chaotic and our family have always bent over backwards to help her.

3 years ago she text me saying she was pregnant. She had been talking a while about wanting baby but she was only 23, and not in the right head space. She told 3 different men that they might be the dad and for dna tests. I just couldn’t believe it to be honest, and just felt from day one she wouldn’t be able to cope.

It was drama from day 1. The dad stepped up and from birth supported her financially and saw his/their child regularly. Now the baby is 2, and he has her more than 50% of the week. My mum has reinforced to my sister that this is “right” and my nieces day should be stepping up (?) - he’s ALWAYS stepped up from day 1?

My sister hasn’t changed her life since she had her daughter. She still goes out drinking, still does what she wants. She got together with another man when she was 1 month postpartum and devoted most of her time to dating, at the expense of her daughter. She regularly changes her days with her daughter and asks if her dad can look after her. Shes always “working” on the weekends, and on the rare occasion she has her daughter scheduled to see her, she always asks me or our mum to “help” her.

Since Christmas she hasn’t had one weekend with her child. Today she’s text me asking if I can “do her contact days” for 2 weeks in August as she is going to Ibiza with her friends. I’ve asked why she’s leaving her daughter to do this and got a load of vitriol back from her, saying she’s a single mum and deserves a break. She text me back later and said her daughter’s father is having their daughter for 10 days, and then my mum is having her for a day, can I have her for 2 days?

I’m so annoyed. I love my niece but I feel like I’m supporting a lifestyle for my sister which is incompatible with being a mum!

I feel stuck in the middle and judgemental …

I would cut out your sister and build a relationship with you niece via her Dad seeing as though he is actually the primary single parent. When is he get a regular break?

My mum has reinforced to my sister that this is “right” and my nieces day should be stepping up (?) - he’s ALWAYS stepped up from day 1?

Your mum has given your sister the green light to behave badly so your sister will never step up. You can either enable your sister to continue in this behaviour for the next 16 years or say no every time and force them to give the father permanent custody, which sounds like it might actually be better long term for your niece, mentally, emotionally and physically. Your sister sounds like she is emotionally neglecting her DD which will be very traumatic for a child.

Don't do it.

Does she want to be a parent at all do you think? It sounds like it would be best if dad had the wee girl the whole time.

I'd be inclined to point out she doesn't need a break from parenting because she's a deadbeat who does fuck all.

Personally, I'd try and build a relationship with DN via her dad and ignore the sister. I have no time for waste of space, dickhead parents. You might stand a chance of a good relationship with DN that way, without ending up taking over the tiny bit of parenting the sister should be doing. You've more of a chance of keeping the relationship when dad inevitably ends up with her full time, too.

If your mum wants to support her useless behaviour, let her. How was she as a mum herself out of interest?

This. I’m surprised he hasn’t already.

YANBU to be beyond frustrated with your sister's irresponsibility. It's made more difficult by your mother supporting your sister's nonsense. It sounds like going low contact with your sister will create drama with your mother as well.

Just refuse, can't do those dates,sorrly.Otherwise you are just enabling her. Obviously no one else is keen to tell her no,but it needs to be said.

Why would it be no better if "her dad" has her more days? Surely that is infinitely better than an aunt?

I'd hate to think me having DD all the time is worse, or at least 'no better' than my sister having her some of the time.

I think it is ideal if the father has her, and both my children would have preferred to be with their grandparents than their aunt.

Your mother has given your sister an out and she is abusing it, say no and only see your niece when it is convenient to you, let your mother suffer her poor parenting.

Just say no and stay out of her drama.

This poor child
What is your sister like with her behind closed doors? I dread to think. There will be one serious neglect going on here, and I hope that the school pick up on it when she goes

There is a young child involved here

“Do her contact days”?? Fucking hell this poor little girl sounds like nothing more than a chore. I don’t know what the right answer is and I can understand you don’t want to keep enabling her but you can’t force people to be good parents. How heartbreaking.

I would say No because you neglect your child enough by passing her around like a parcel.

People wouldn't be judging so hard if it was a man. Instead it would be, he has his child 50/50, of course he should be able to have a holiday with friends. The child is well looked after by their mum, gran and aunt whilst he is away. Why shouldn't he have a drink and date when the child is with their mother?

I would do it, but just because it sounds as though it would benefit your niece to have a close relationship with you. Hopefully your sister will outgrow this (even if she doesn’t I suspect her friends will), but if she doesn’t then your niece needs as many people around her as possible who have a close relationship with her.

I think it comes down to whether you disapprove so much that you’re prepared to let your relationship with your niece suffer. And if you don’t do the childcare she’ll still go, just that either your mum will do more or your sister will palm her off with someone else.

If you don't want to look after your niece then say no and mean it. You don't have to support your sister's lifestyle if you don't approve of it. It sounds like your parents have indulged her so they can step up and look after their grandchild if they're not prepared to tell your sister that she's being an irresponsible parent.

Nonsense
if a dad was like this My sister hasn’t changed her life since she had her daughter. She still goes out drinking, still does what she wants. She got together with another man when she was 1 month postpartum and devoted most of her time to dating, at the expense of her daughter. She regularly changes her days with her daughter and asks if her dad can look after her. Shes always “working” on the weekends, and on the rare occasion she has her daughter scheduled to see her, she always asks me or our mum to “help” her.
Since Christmas she hasn’t had one weekend with her child.

Hell yes they’d be appalled too

I disagree with this. MN takes a dim view of dads who do significantly less than 50% and palm "their" days off on their female relatives too.

People do have higher expectations of women, I agree, but it's not a race to the bottom.

Your neice needs a nice aunt more than she needs a birth mother. I’d say yes.

Your views on yr sis are entirely reasonable. She’s the problem, not the little girl. Tackle that issue later. It needs time to think about how, anyway.

But given you obviously won’t take your crossness out on the child, I’d suck up having her to stay & see it as a chance to bond with your neice.

I would do it for my niece. Your sister and your mother seem to be prioritising your sister at the expense of the welfare of your niece.
I would speak to your niece's Dad and if it was feasible encourage him to apply for custody. Your niece needs stability and is not getting that from her mother or indeed it seems from her grandmother.

Either have your niece or don’t, it’s really that simple. What right do you have to judge if your sister and her ex swap contact days? That’s between them and if he has a problem it’s up to him to say so, it’s non of your business. You say she hasn’t changed and still goes out drinking… does she take the baby out drinking with her or does she do that on her no contact days?

What's the dad like?

How does he manage his 50%?

Do either of them work?

Would your niece be better off with her dad?

I'd be tempted to do the two days for your niece & her dad!

She isn't a single mum she's a part time mum if her ex is having the child for more time than she does..she needs to either give up her child and hand full custody to the dad or actually step up and be a decent parent to her child. She can't expect everyone else to parent her child for her without getting some backlash for it

So alert authorities.

Say No if it doesn't suit you.
Also I think you should consider SS's.
She clearly has zero interest in her poor child and your mother is facilitating this.

Would her father be able to take her full-time as her mother is clearly not interested