Is lodger being disrespectful?

[NewAgeDawning]

This time last year my husband and I decided to take in a lodger. We found a lady who would provide a very good arrangement: she would pay full asking price but only use the room when working. On her days off shed return to her home. The agreement was for 6 months only, and we extended for another six months so not a long term thing. Shes always been respectful, quiet, clean, tidy. No complaints. We let her in to our inner circle - as time progressed conversations became friendlier, shed often share dinner with us, our toddler loves her. Its been a v good balance.

Like i said earlier, this lodger returns home regularly, where she has a long term boyfriend. We always said he was welcome in the house, as well as her family. Said boyfriend visited once (didnt stay), she had an uncle come over for tea and I always said her daughter should come visit. The tenancy agreement has no rules about visitors, theres something vague about how permission is needed for anyone to stay over a week. We never thought it necessary to say anything more about visitors given her personal situation.

About a month ago, she breaks up with her boyfriend (she told me) and literally one week later she rocks up to the house with a man we've never seen or heard of before. We know this because we saw it on our ring camera whilst we were away for the weekend.
She brings him into the house and is critical of our home - that I buy plants and kill them for example (I laughed when I heard her say this and brushed it off but her tone kinda stung).
Then, in the hallway, the guy says something about me drinking j*zz and she laughs (we have another camera in the living room so could hear) then they go upstairs where I can just about hear her begin to criticise something else but the camera stops picking up dialogue. By the way, she knows about the cameras, theyre not hidden. We tell people about them. We put them in to watch our dog initially but left them for security.

My husband was livid and wanted to kick her out but I talked him down, said the money was important, and shed only be around for a few more months. We didnt mention any of this to her. I hoped she wouldnt bring him back.

After this, the guy becomes a permanent fixture - never comes in again, just parks on the road side and takes her. A couple of times hes been outside, with her, when im arriving home with my toddler and she never thought of introducing him to me.
She never mentioned him to us even though shes been seeing him every day for the last month or so.

Last week at home DH, now placated from his anger, jokes around, asks the lodger if she has a new boyfriend, who he is and she tells him his name, what he does, and she is v open. When the guy comes to pick her up DH goes out to meet him, of his own initiative.

Im technically still in the dark.
But im like its a good arrangement. Just suck it up, just a few more months. Im bothered, and dither between giving her notice or letting it be.

A few days ago, she does the hard work for me and gives notice. Great. Shes gone in a month.

However today, we spent the day out. We tell her well be out and guess who comes back in the house? The guy. Annoyingly he parked on our drive when we had planned for the dog walker to use it.

Im really annoyed. I feel like my space has been violated. I dont know this man, and for all i know, she doesnt really either. She was vetoed before being allowed in the house but now the door's been swung open to a man, when we have a little girl with us.

AiBU in confronting her? Im not a confrontational type and feel myself shaking just thinking about the chat itself but I'm 15 weeks pregnant and upset. At this point I dont want him here and want to tell her as much. It all feels so dodgy. Her life is her business as long as it is away from here.

I don’t think you’re cut out to have a lodger. She’s done nothing wrong. You, on the other hand, have kept listening to her conversation when you didn’t need to and now will look very petty if you mention the parking. You’re making lots of excuses but I am amazed she’s stayed this long, especially with all the surveillance.

I don't understand what she'd done wrong? I suppose this highlights the emotional dangers of spying on other people and listening to their private conversations. Imagine if you had overheard jizz for fizz and had taken the hump?

Personally, I think you and your husband sound like the type of people who shouldn't have lodgers, after this one leaves. I can only see more problems with more people.

Lastly, they do excellent realistic looking artificial plants these days.

Don’t say anything about the car unless the dog walker needs the space again say it the night before this or you will look petty.

also I am guessing she thinks the cameras are to watch the dogs and does not realise the sound is on

Having wondered what "I drink j*zz" meant, I searched it and can see now why you would be upset. He doesn't sound like someone I would want casually disrespecting me in my own home. However, there is an old saying eavesdroppers never any good about themselves so whilst I understand the cameras are there for your dog, I do think you really can't police people's conversations about you even in your own home and nor should you. It's only three weeks, I would just continue as normal but I do get why you are upset and why you maybe feel let down by your lodger.

I don't see what she's done wrong other than criticise your home. She's allowed a boyfriend presumably and he only came into the house twice.

You shouldn't be eavesdropping on people's conversations. That's violating her privacy.

Op said several that the tenancy states the lodger can park off road, without specifying this means another off road parking space, the lodger probably assumed this meant the driveway.

She's a lodger with her own life and family separate from yours. It's lovely that you've integrated her into your family, but that doesn't change the fact that she's not family, is paying you to live there and as such has a right to a private life that doesn't involve her landlords. I wouldn't have liked hearing her say those things about my home either, but I also wouldn't have internal cameras in the house recording her so I wouldn't have known about it! I think as others have said, maybe you need to reconsider whether a lodger agreement works for you and your family if you're concerned about who is coming into your home. I know personally it wouldn't work for me at all, maybe a true lodger agreement doesn't work for you either.

But your contract with any lodger should include rules around visitors. You can't assume a relationship will last, or that a single person will stay single or even if the relationship status stays the same they could bring friends or colleagues over, you need to be very clear from the start.
I've no idea why your husband thought it was necessary or appropriate to go out to meet the boyfriend. I get you are upset about the conversation but anyone could say things about us behind our backs there just isnt usually cameras (is she aware her conversations are being recorded too? Your use of cameras needs to be in your lodger contract), and I get the issue of having strangers having access to your child but you weren't home. Why wouldn't he park in the empty driveway rather than taking up a space elsewhere for hours, your contract needed to state that neither she nor visitors can use it even when u aren't home

You are being a bit weird about this sorry. You seemed to relax the rules when you became pally with her but because she’s got a new fella you don’t approve of she’s suddenly being disrespectful? Your dh introducing himself and wanting to throw her out over her remarks is massively intrusive and over the top. You sound way too over invested and have clearly blurred the boundaries between friend and lodger agreement hence all of the unnecessary emotion.

If she’s been told she’s allowed visitors she hasn’t really done anything wrong by bringing this guy back. I think you need to chill and strip it back
to a simple tenancy agreement rather than a friendship.

You really have had the perfect lodger but somehow don't see or appreciate this fact.

Say nothing to her, let her move out on good terms and then never rent a room again!

she’s leaving, you’ve made quite a bit of money

all you need to do in her final weeks is to not all go out all day, then random jizz man won’t return.

i think you should count yourself very lucky that nothing worse has happened. Taking a lodger is a big risk.

and I don’t think you should say anything to sour the relationship. Just ride it out.

If she would be a dream tenant then why on earth would you suggest the OP give her anything but a good reference??

Having strangers coming into your home is always a gamble OP. Especially now you're pregnant - it's bound to be unsettling.

That's far more innocuous than the comment initially suggested. It was because a potion for your plants, which presumably looked a bit like jizz was left on the side. No biggie. She's got 3 weeks left. Why would you potentially make those 3 weeks really awkward by mentioning it? It's petty and it's unlikely to happen again, as in a year, it's never happened before - the one time it has, was when you were out.

It may well do. But he is not the tenant. It was her boyfriend who parked on their drive. And his car. Not hers.

I don't think she has done anything too wrong, she is inviting someone over when the house is empty that's all. You've got a toddler but the strange man isn't in the house with her. She surely knows him fairly well by now. I can see if you thought of her as a friend then it would sting if she said mean things about you (although 'she kills plants' isn't awful either).

I think it's a bit late now to tell her you don't want any visitors in the house ever (and that is a pretty tough rule). I'd ride it out. If you want to discourage long visits then don't tell her when you're going to be out for a long period, or tell her you're going out but not sure for how long / you might pop back early if your toddler is tired etc and they might not come back to yours

You are being very weird OP. You are not "being kept in the dark", your lodger has no obligation to update you on her love life, let alone introduce you to him. You have blurred the lodger boundaries here, she is a lodger and whilst you might be friendly, you are not her family, nor do you have any authority over her.

I think your husband going outside and demanding to meet him is really weird tbh, does he fancy her?

No wonder she handed her notice in!

I'm not. I said she could get creative.

As I have previously said. I would not give a crap reference in this case. It's up to the OP to decide how disrespected she feels. Each person has their own idea of manners appropriate.

In the past, over far worse things than this, when the tenant has asked for a reference, I have replied saying I am prepared to do so but on X day/time, I was aware of blah occurrence and during blah time period, this came to my attention. I would then ask if the tenant still wanted a reference.

In the event they do, I tend to give a factual reference only. The rent was paid on the nail/three days late persistently, as appropriate, the bond was not returned for this agreed reason etc. This way it is up to the new LL whether to read between the lines.

As I have stated. I have grown a thick skin over the years. What OP has encountered would probably make me laugh, given the circumstances. As a PP has stated, having a lodger is probably not for OP, plus, this person is in her own house. I would rather live in a tent in a field full of shit before I had a lodger so, as I said, OPs level of feeling disrespected needs to be taken into consideration.

Well don’t listen to private conversations via your spy cameras then

I felt a bit sorry for you with the OP because you struck me as someone who is sensitive, kind and likely misread situations.

Obviously it wasn't nice realising your tenant was mocking you. You like her and presumably she isn't so keen on you. That does sting. The jizz comment was a crass - so the guy is crass and she cares more about impressing him than maintaining a friendship with you.

However hurt feelings are yours to own. Instead of processing them and everything that goes along with them you are instead intent on finding things for her to be wrong about.

You didn't think she was a burglar.
You didn't feel scared (writing 'honestly' doesn't make it honest).
You aren't justified in your annoyance about the driveway.
You aren't entitled to be introduced to him.
She hasn't broken any rules.

I feel for you because I know it must have been a slap in the face but these things happen to us all. I have an ex friend who would always find stuff to be angry about and I finally walked away. Please stop this strategy. She hasn't done anything wrong. You were eavesdropping.

I don't understand why it was OK for her uncle and ex to come into your house but it's suddenly a safeguarding issue with the new boyfriend? Did you DBS check the other guys?

Lots of people say crass things and make off colour jokes when they are in private or with a partner. They have a reasonable expectation that they are not being monitored.

Let it go. Even the parking. You'll be happier for it.

You're not cut out to be live-in landlords. That's ok, it wouldn't suit me either.
But you took her money and she has a reasonable expectation of privacy and ability to live in the house without you and your husband acting like overbearing parents.
Best for all of you that it is coming to an end.

It was very inappropriate of you to listen to their conversations. Strange behaviour on your part and crosses a line. I bet you haven’t informed her that you do this.