Parenting Professor says that she supports smacking children

[ThisAmpleCritic]

Quote:
Prof Ellie Lee, a family and parenting researcher at the University of Kent …supports the use of smacking, said: "It would be great if we could just be nice to children and think they would just be nice back. But the reality of it is, is that in order for children to understand the rules of society, and to learn how to behave in a way that is moral, and that is good, we have to have boundaries, and boundaries have to be backed up."

AIBU to think this is a disgusting attitude and her credentials should be challenged? Children deserve protection from
violence and aggression from their caregivers. Why should they not be given the same rights as adults, who are free to test boundaries without fear of physical assault?

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c2eyke83yz9o

But if you couldn't care less then it did absolutely no good at all, did it?

But if it made you care less - then that's not what you want if you want your child to be nice, kind and well behaved. You don't want a child that just doesn't care - and that's often what happens to a child that is overly or too frequently punished. They stop caring.

Yes. It’s flummoxed everyone because they’re treating it like a maths equation - surely violence doesn’t solve violence etc. When child behaviour and society can’t be reduced to a series of discreet rhetorical statements.

I cared at the time, it hasn’t damaged me long run as an adult.

What situation is this? I’ve never had to use physical force to prevent a child getting back on a climbing frame. I’ve used distraction and bribery.

it’s acceptable to pull her off and to pin her down and to grab her and manhandle her no that’s not acceptable.

So in that case we have very, very different children. There is absolutely no way once she’s fixated on something distraction or bribery would work. In fact, she’s smart enough to know that’s what you’re trying to do and gets even more furious!

It’s not that hard, you explain to child reasons why climbing time is coming to and end and they will listen. They maybe counter with oh just five more minutes and often that’s sure 5 more minutes is ok but no more otherwise you will miss out on time to finish your colouring project or bath time will be a quick shower instead. The give and take gives them choices, and illusion of control.

Of course we have different children. All of mine are different from each other. The point is the boundaries are for YOU, not the children, and it’s your job to figure out how to not cross the lines while raising very different children. It’s the harder way to parent but also more rewarding.

Who said it was a smack? A pinch is a pinch and a smack is a smack/hit, but they’re both physical aggression carried out by an adult towards a child which shouldn’t be acceptable.

@AmberTigerEyes coming to sn end? She’d shoved her brother off the climbing frame. Calmly explaining is no use if no one can hear over screams.

Advice like this may be well meaning; I don’t know, but it really doesn’t begin to understand what many parents go though with toddlers.

A person who hits their children is a bad parent, a hill I will die on.
If you lose control, get so angry you nip, pinch, squeeze or hit your children then you’re a bad parent, if your children are so ‘unruly’ due to your parenting that you feel the only solution is to hit them, you’re a bad parent.

I don’t believe I said that it was.

I disagree with that last bit.

I don’t think I am a bad parent (well, I think I am now actually as I’m so worn down I have no real impetus to try to address it and I’ve gone for a sort of numb disassociation, but this is recent-ish.)

I was a good parent. I read books on parenting; I was firm but loving.

My children are still unruly and if I am very honest, unpleasant. I am kind of at the stage where I don’t like them much and I think the feeling is mutual.

There, I said it,

Nor did anyone else, but you are the one who brought up whether a pinch was a smack.

No I didn’t. I said punch. Maybe it was a typo, I’ll go and check. I certainly meant punch.

If your children turn out to be bad people, unruly, not nice, and you don’t like them then it’s almost certainly bad parenting.

Yes, it was a typo, apologies. It should have read ‘I wouldn’t describe a punch as a smack.’

So if someone punched me in the face, I wouldn’t ever describe that as ‘someone has just smacked me in the eye.’

That hardly means I’m condoning either, just a conversation relating to the language.

Yes, I agree, but what to do about it? The techniques suggested don’t work, frequently make the situation worse, and I think a fairly substantial part of me has given up.

Still no one said a punch was a smack either, not sure what your point was then or now.

Yes. If they didn't do thimgs I know they are capable of. That's how you set expectations

Well that’s an incredibly sad situation for your children and you.

And many posters on MN seem determine to conflate a thrashing with a mild tap. This absolute zero tolerance for causing even the mildest physical discomfort will be seen as a bizarre overreaction in decades to come.

A few posters on this thread could do with one too! 😜

Mine are teens but I've not forgotten how horrendous toddlers can be when you're exhausted from lack of sleep. The first few years of parenting is absolutely the worst because of how relentless it is. Anticipating and preventing conflict works best. But it is perfectly possible to remain calm while a smaller weaker person has a tantrum. I've been bitten and hit by toddlers plenty but even as a short woman I'm bigger and stronger and could restrain them when absolutely necessary for safety. And I've never not been able to get them into their carseat, even my third who was the one most likely to fight and fight and fight. Quickly tickling under the arm worked sometimes to momentarily stop the back arching so it could be tightened. But I'm an adult and had way more resilence than even the angriest toddler. They can only tantrum for so long if they are getting no response. And if you are consistent and boring about red lines they do eventually realise the route of least resistence is to do what they are told. You might struggle with that (lots of parents do) but it's the main thing that works.

I feel like I am repeating an entire page worth of dialogue, which is a bit frustrating.

someone said that a smack was mimimising. I replied that to me a smack is open palm and a hit is a closed fist. Then hopefully you know the rest. I don’t condone either.

Oh you can remain calm (superficially anyway.) But if they are beside themselves with fury and you have to remove them from a situation then quite some physical force is needed. One hell of a lot in my case.