Parenting Professor says that she supports smacking children

[ThisAmpleCritic]

Quote:
Prof Ellie Lee, a family and parenting researcher at the University of Kent …supports the use of smacking, said: "It would be great if we could just be nice to children and think they would just be nice back. But the reality of it is, is that in order for children to understand the rules of society, and to learn how to behave in a way that is moral, and that is good, we have to have boundaries, and boundaries have to be backed up."

AIBU to think this is a disgusting attitude and her credentials should be challenged? Children deserve protection from
violence and aggression from their caregivers. Why should they not be given the same rights as adults, who are free to test boundaries without fear of physical assault?

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c2eyke83yz9o

People working with vulnerable children & adults are taught safe restraint techniques. They are never taught how to hit them effectively. Yes you may have to restrain a child sometimes but that isn’t a green light to also hit them.

Parents aren’t taught that though.

If your child continues to do something when telling, persuading and reprimanding have failed, of course it’s appropriate to stop them from doing it with physical force - not attacking or hurting them, just stopping them with the extra strength you have as an adult. Surely you’ve done this when your children were toddlers…

I’m thankful that I’ve rarely if ever had to do this with my own children once they were older than toddlers, but am not so naive as to think that’s never necessary for all children.

Do you cause physical discomfort to other adults or is it just something you do to children?

Honestly you’re just on the wrong side of history mate, at no point will society look back and think “god remember that period of time when we made child abuse illegal, outlawed corporal punishment and hitting your children became socially unacceptable, what a mistake that is was thank god we brought back the cane!”
It just will not happen, it’s honestly crazy that you think people being against causing physical violence to children is a “bizarre overreaction”.

You would think parents shouldn’t have to be taught to not hit their own small vulnerable children.

And in the meantime it is within the law so those of us who choose to parent this way will continue to discipline our own children as we see fit.

No, but the point is that restraint is very different to hitting. Hence it is acceptable in care facilities when hitting never is. It is disgusting to think anyone would hit an elderly demented person and it is equally disgusting to hit a child. Anyone that hits a child should be ashamed.

You have a two year old. How old is her brother? You are in the trenches and it is very hard but the hard work now will pay off later.

How about tomorrow you have a duvet day watching cartoons with them and just enjoying their company without any pressure. Eat what they want to eat and don't put any pressure on yourself. It's OK to find preschoolers exhausting.

I find smacking horrible and believe it is lazy parenting. I have never really punished my dc at all - we have always just talked things through 🤷‍♀️. It’s very possibly I’m just lucky with my dc, but they are teens (17, 16, 14) and we have a really good two way respectful relationship. I instantly lose respect for anyone who smacks their dc. My dad was shouty and occasionally physically abusive - it has affected me into adulthood. Being frightened of/intimidated by a parent is not a good thing in my view.

They don’t watch cartoons. I tried this for just an hour this afternoon and they just endlessly manically circled the lounge climbing on the furniture and one another and then one screaming if the other hurt them. I can’t even sit and quietly watch TV with them.

Sorry, I feel like I’m taking over this thread with my woes.

@Honeyhonay i don’t think many parents do hit their children nowadays. We are actually on the same side here. I agree with you it is deplorable. But where we seem to differ is the view that there are other discipline methods as effective. I don’t believe there are. I think that in saying smacking is wrong, we also have to accept a lot of very difficult behaviour from children before they reach a point of reason.

I will just never get behind that though, you might shock them in the moment by hitting them and stun them into pausing the behaviour then and there but there’s no frame of logic that smacking a child tells them that hitting or fighting with their sibling isn’t acceptable. It’s just not a long term behavioural strategy. How on earth can you honestly thinking hitting a child to show them not to hit another child is going to make sense in a child’s brain?

@Walkyrie that is a false equivalence and you know it. We are not talking about keeping a child alive by ensuring they have nutrition, or putting them to sleep because sleep is necessary for growth and development. Children (people) HAVE to eat and sleep, they don’t have to be hit.

There are plenty of ways to keep your children in line without hitting them, they just take a bit more thought and self-control if one is inclined to hit.

I don’t understand the whole ‘light smack’ - how is it supposed to work? It (supposedly) doesn’t hurt so I’m unclear how it’s supposed to be a deterrent? Why would a child view it as a punishment?

The reality is that it IS supposed to hurt and scare the child. It’s accompanied by shouting, heightened emotions and a lack of control. It is poor parenting.

I guess that’s the point isn’t it: it stops the behaviour in the instant but it isn’t an effective method in the long term. It breeds fear not respect and it is degrading and bullying behaviour. I’ve no issue with that.

But I do think we’re fed a bit of a lie about alternative methods of discipline. My children’s behaviour has been really, really challenging of late which is perhaps why I’m commenting so much here, but all the time outs and the recommended consequences seem to be doing is inflaming situations.

It will get better, I hope anyway, because I’m questioning my life choices here!

Calling a mild tap “physical violence”, is a bit like saying a calm, but stern, telling off, “verbal abuse”.

I very rarely even gave with my children a mild tap as I think there are better ways to discipline and control children, but I did on very rare occasions in response to physical “assault” on their part (eg kicking me in a rage when I tried to put on their shoes). They don’t even remember me doing it, and it would have been pretty insignificant component of the overall incident, yet some people such as yourself are fixated by it as though every tap is severe belting!

Do you generally believe I should be criminalised for what i did, and have my children removed?

I haven't read every posted but I do agree that the idea that "alternative methods" work just as well as smacking is a lie. Not smacking is definitely the right option, in my view, but it certainly prolongs the difficulties of parenting toddlers, including the dangers they put themselves into and the risk of injury they present to eg their siblings.

@followtheswallow

I have two autistic children with (at times) challenging and competing needs. Parenting is hard, and exhausting and oftentimes undeniably not enjoyable.

None of the bad times would have been improved by hitting.

I absolutely do not brook rude, disrespectful, and unruly behaviour, but I do allow them to be kids. I’m far from a perfect parent but it is possible to improve behaviour with parenting techniques that centre on respect and firm boundaries.

Yep, totally agree. I've witnessed physical violence on children and, though I think smacking is wrong, it's insulting to those children to imply that the two are synonymous. Smacking is bad parenting. Physical abuse is abuse.

Yes it’s disgusting. If you hit your child you’re teaching them that their safe place and a place of violence is one and the same.

Hitting a child also teaches that child that hitting is acceptable. So what are you going to do when they hit someone? ‘Don’t do as I do, do as I say’?

What is the point of a ‘mild tap’ if it doesn’t hurt?

You’re very welcome to find a post of mine where I suggest it does. What smacking does do is stop some behaviour in its tracks and acts as a kind of ultimate sanction / fear. It also humiliates and intimidates and is the thin ice where lost tempers are concerned. So it is not a good thing. But that does mean we are pretty powerless. Accepting this would help, I think, but we keep insisting that this isn’t the case.

Ok, so it provide a mild shock causes slight temporary discomfort… I can’t get worked up about that. And I certainly can’t make an equivalence between it and physical abuse that causes injury and lasting pain.

I think it is naive to assume it is necessary, it shows a lack of worldly experience to view as an option.

I never said it was necessary. But I also never said I was perfect.

I've never needed to hit my kids. It's all about good communication, starting from the point where they begin to understand words. It takes hard work and thought, but it isn't rocket science. By the same token, you can also bring your kids up not to be sheep-like fashion victims by the time they are teenagers so that they will understand that they don't need expensive designer brand clothes and stuff to be happy.

Ok, I did say it was necessary “for other” children who are very difficult and violent. I think it can be the best option in a bad situation sometimes.