Why does my daughter’s father say this kind of stuff?

[MyTrivia]

He’s so embarrassing. He seems to rub people up the wrong way. And then complain that coworkers don’t support him etc.

Sometimes, when I meet dd from school he turns up at the same time. The other day there was a mum there that I was taking to. She was asking how my dd was now because she had been being bullied.

Then I asked her how her dc was.
‘oh ok, she said but he’s not enjoying maths. He finds it hard’.

DDs dad pipes up ‘oh you should find him a tutor. I have noticed how maths affects the entire curriculum if a child is struggling ’. The kids are only 6 years old!

Why is he so obnoxious? If I try to talk to him about his attitude, it always ends in a big argument. We aren’t together btw.

I don't think you sound weird at all.

I think you sound thoughtful and kind.

You're especially kind to your very annoying ex, trying to help him, and listening when he rings you to complain about feeling lonely.

Your ex definitely sounds overbearing (re the 6 yr old needing a tutor) and difficult (re the police officer and the too-dark windows).
I bet you are very glad every day that you don't have to live with him any more.

💐

I assume you liked him enough at one point to think he was good father material

Well was the other mum offended? This is just men really, they like giving advice and trying to be helpful. If he's autistic he especially won't understand social norms or understand women are just looking for support/empathy not necessarily wanting actual practical advice.

Why would you ‘assume’ anything? This is something I see all the time on MN these days ‘it’s your fault you have a child with someone who turned out not to be the man you thought’.

He spent years messing me about. I loved him in the beginning. He has his good points. But he will not and cannot self reflect. For quite some time whilst I was with him he was also with someone else. I didn’t know about it until after our daughter was born.

What do you mean judgement, I was just quoting yourself back at you that you said you were unusual or hard to understand to NTs. Autism presents differently in different people and tone is a massive issue for some people so I think sometimes we need to show some grace. However as I said if he’s deliberately hurting people that is different - I haven’t met him so don’t know!

Yes, I understand what you mean - sorry, I didnt take enough time to see where you were coming from.

But the thing is, I’m not the one who’s miserable because I’ve pushed everyone away like he has. He’s a very good looking man with literally no friends. He does the same things again and again and then uses me as a sounding board to explain how sad he is.

He has alienated a work colleague who is actually his superior by getting drunk at a work event and saying something rude to him. The man was nothing but kind to him until this happened and now he ignores him. He’s going on a business trip today and is now stressing about the fact that he’s been asked to check in with this guy on arrival.

I just get frustrated - he comes crying to me about all this stuff but won’t accept well intentioned direction about how to make his life better.

i think that if the child’s mum at school was upset, she probably wouldn’t say so.

Why do you let him come crying to you etc if he's an ex? What he does and says only reflects on him..... Maybe if that was more obvious people would realise... You sound like still a couple? If you're both picking up from school and he's talking to you about his life etc..

Clearer boundaries may help both you and dc and others to understand it's him

Hi @MyTrivia

It sounds like your ex treated you very badly - he messed you about early on, and was seeing someone whilst with you which you only discovered after you had your daughter.

It also sounds like he's pretty unpleasant to most/all people in his life (eg current supervisor) and random people he comes across (eg mum at school gate), hence he has no friends.

Not your problem.

He also won't listen to any advice you give him.

Not your problem.

So why do you let him "come crying to you"?
Just don't engage with it.
Don't give him any more advice.
Don't be his "sounding board".

You only need to communicate with him regarding the care of your daughter.
Anything else - just shut it down, don't enter into any discussion at all.

Also if you have agreed days for him to have access/care of your daughter, he should be sticking to that and not randomly turning up when he feels like it. That can be very unsettling for the child (and you), and sounds like a control issue to me.
You should ask him not to do that any more, and if he persists you could go to court to formally agree access times (if you haven't already), or add it to an existing CO.

I guess they’d assume that because the alternative is you chose to have a child with someone you didn’t think was good father material. Which reflects on you and your decision making. Whereas assuming you thought he’d be a good father is giving you the benefit of the doubt.

You are getting too involved. He’s your ex. Conversations with him only need to be about your shared child. Shut down any other topic. If he’s got no friends to go to, he can pay for a therapist. Or reflect on why he has no friends and take steps to remedy that. It’s not for you to fix him or be there for him. Ask him not to turn up at school on your days. He should only be going there if he’s picking your daughter up for his time with her, or if there’s a school event on that he’s going to see.

As for the other mum, if you’re worried he’s offended her and don’t want it to reflect on you, next time you see her say something like “sorry about Nigel the other day. I think you can now see why he’s an ex!” and give a little laugh. That way she’ll know it’s not your opinion that her son needs a tutor, and you’ll make it clear you two aren’t together. I’m sure she’s unlikely to have given it a second thought though!

There's nothing wrong with his suggestion, but interpretation of that kind of conversation depends entirely on tone, facial expression and body language. We weren't there to see any of that. Did the parent show any signs of being offended?

i dont think what he said was that bad, but you say you are autistic so there is a good chance your ex is add or adhd as these personality types tend to get together. that would explain why he seems to say blurt out things you see as inapropriate

Narcissist because he’s socially awkward?!?! WTF??? Do you even understand the definition of narcissistic personality disorder?