School lateness punishments, neurodiversity and the law

[VividDenimTiger]

Posting here for traffic really. DD 14 has had issues in secondary school- we suspect ADHD to be honest. I am unravelling my own mid life ADHD traits at the moment too.

For DD, one of the things that manifests in school is persistent lateness. She just can’t organise herself to get to lessons on time. The school has now brought in a punishment for lateness where anyone late more than 5 mins gets sent to a punishment room for the lesson. Needless to say DD is now missing loads of lessons because of her lateness.

I know that it’s annoying for teachers when kids are late for lessons but it feels like this policy unfairly targets kids, like my DD, who might or do have some issues with timekeeping because of other things going on.

Aibu? I am trying to unravel some of this for DD (and myself) but I am really angry about how punitive this policy is- it feels like it disadvantages kids who genuinely have issues with organising their time and themselves. The corridors are really busy in school and she gets upset and overwhelmed and that doesn’t help all of this.

Why is your daughter late to lessons ?
What happens when one lesson ends and she has to move to the next lesson that makes her late?

No need to be arse about it - not everyone can access OUT OF AREA RTC ASSESSMENTS if they are without transport, family support, don’t have a car, have other family commitments, have a disabled parent, or simply don’t have the funds to pay for a taxi to get there - have I said that clearly enough?

With that attitude, I do hope you're not an employer, or indeed someone who deals with the general public.

Can you imagine saying to someone in a wheelchair, for instance, "I appreciate that you have this disability which means you can't get on public transport/ up stairs/ into rooms with narrow doorways/ access our toilets, but it's up to you to get on top of it." This is no different.

The suggestion people are getting PIP for “mild” cases is ridiculous. You have to be practically totally unable to interact with anyone or leave the house to get it.

Not true, sorry. I know of ND people with full time professional jobs who are getting it.

Try reading OP's posts which answer these questions?

You do not need a diagnosis to be able to seek reasonable adjustments and you can tell the school that by focusing on diagnosis rather than impact they are in breach of The Equality Act.

With regards to lateness, it's unlikely that they will consider being more than 5 minutes late to a lesson "reasonable." I know, my time blindness has got me into enough trouble. She's going to have to find other strategies. Can she walk between lessons with a friend to avoid her getting distracted? Keep a laminated timetable (and map, if, like me, she also has dyspraxia and gets lost a lot) in her pocket that she can quickly check so she knows where she's going next? A reasonable adjustment could be permission to start packing up a couple of minutes early or even to leave lessons just before the bell so she has a moment to orient herself before the corridors fill up.

Well as a senior healthcare professional in London, I can assure you that people are not always being seen in four months or less.

Many children find that difficult, my DD certainly did, small, shy girl struggling through crowds of much bigger boys going in all directions it's not easy, but she managed to get there on time, linking up with others going to the same class certainly helped with the overwhelm.

So my daughter has a 5 min pass. She doesn't use it often but did use it to leave CDT 1 minute early to avoid the rush out of school (she was being bullied for her religion by a group of boys who would wait for her at the school exit) and used it a few times to get between French and Maths (down 4 flights of stairs, across a parking lot and up 4 flights of stairs - totally doable now she's used to it but she got so anxious about being late she fell down the stairs a couple times). She doesn't like a fuss so wouldn't stand up in the middle of teaching to leave, she waits for the packing up time and leaves a little bit early quietly.

It IS different.

A person in a wheelchair can't walk and can't learn to walk. A person with ADHD can learn coping strategies but I bet rarely hear of anyone advised to do that before asking employers and schools for adjustments.

She really won't need to learn how to cope with busy corridors for her work - she can make choices that fit with her needs - the only time she'll have to learn to deal with a busy corridor is at school - let's not pretend, the school environment is not "normal" thankfully!

What would help?

Leaving 1 min early would not - as pp said, that isnt enough to avoid the rush.

Loop ear plugs are banned. Are smaller earplugs banned? Would they even notice the foam ones?

Does she have any friends who would be moving to the same class that she could walk with? Even if not every time, this may reduce some absence.

Could she set an alarm on her watch so that if she is finding peace outside it reminds her to start moving so she isnt late.

Could she recite something in her head or under her breath - song lyrics, a poem, something she remembers - to give her some meditative calm/focus as she moves through the crowded corridors.

Similar to above with fidget toys?

Does she have a locker and where? Could this be moved to a low traffic area to reduce overwhelm when changing supplies.

Put everything in a large backpack so she has her hands free and isnt trying to hold onto books/a coat as she navigates the corridor.

Taking on an unsupportive to ND school is a big and long term battle. You may choose to fight it. Although challenging since you dont actually have a diagnosis. In the meantime, I think you need to come up with some strategies that fit the current situation, otherwise shes going to keep missing lessons while you work on the bigger picture.

And waits depend on the ICB. Some have paused referrals.

From one provider’s website:

‘Waiting times for NHS Right to Choose assessments vary depending on where you live. Each area is managed by an NHS Integrated Care Board (ICB), which sets how many assessments providers can deliver each year.
For 1 April 2026 – 31 March 2027, some ICBs have set reduced activity levels, meaning fewer assessments can be offered during this period. As a result, waiting times may be longer than usual and, in some cases, may extend beyond March 2027.’

Every school is a special needs school nowadays.

So many of these posts assume that a) she has friends to follow b) that they are going to the same place c) that she knows where she needs to go without checking d) can actually think coherently and doesn't go into fight flight or freeze mode when overwhelmed in a busy corridor. OP it's outrageous that the school refuses to allow any adjustments when the diagnosis pathway takes years. If you can afford to go private or access the quick NHS pathway (I forget the name), then it's worth it, if that's the only way the school can make adjustments. If you've exhausted complaints to the school, it's probably worth a complaint to the governors explaining that your daughter is on the diagnosis pathway, that it can take years, but that the school are refusing any reasonable adjustments in the meantime. It can be so difficult to get help. Good luck.

Two things:

1. There is far more pushing, casual physical bullying, shouting and screaming, etc in secondary school classrooms than in any of those public spaces you mention. Things my son deals with daily in school would be police matters if they happened to you in a shopping mall. People’s behaviour is much more unpredictable (and generally worse!) when dealing with huge crowds of teenagers.

2. The way you ‘learn’ to deal with challenges related to true cognitive overload is different from the way you learn to overcome other challenges you might face in life. If you’ve not experienced this, or seen your child experience it, you should recognise your lack of experience. Of course, the goal is to be able to appear to deal with stressors in a typical way - believe me no ND teen wants to stand out, they want to blend in with friends just like any teen. But they need supports / strategies to do this not a ‘push through’ / exposure approach which only makes cognitive overload worse.

Maybe you need to ask what is causing the problem. Is it gathering up her stuff at the end of the lesson. Is it finding the next room. Too many things left on the desk. And try to find a way to deal with it.

It doesn't seem like leaving lessons 1 minute earlier would make much difference, your DD would still be in the busy, noisy corridor with everyone else. In fact, however early she leaves, she won't be able to access her next classroom until the current class vacates, so she needs a strategy that doesn't involve physically removing herself from the busyness for 10 minutes.

Is she still at a stage where her whole class follows the same timetable? Could she have a 'buddy' to guide her between classes? Would noise cancelling headphones be an option? Fidget toys in her pockets? Does she forget where she is going? Is there a quiet space she could retreat to briefly, or a quieter route she could take, that wouldn't take as long as "hiding outside"?

@blueneopre

Then OP can home school her in that case and shelter her from coping with any of the mess and chaos of life.

The quick pathway is called Right to Choose I think. England only.

As someone with ADHD, she really needs to make her own adjustments, as others have said, being on time is a very important life skill, the plane isn’t going to wait for her, her employer isn’t going to allow her to be late.

If she’s overwhelmed by noise she needs to wear headphones, if she’s getting distracted easily she needs to buddy up with a friend going to the same class, if she’s anxious in crowds she needs to practice breathing techniques and ways of calming herself down. I’m speaking from experience because I have to practice all of these things frequently myself. I have developed many coping strategies over the years of understanding my condition and they work extremely well for me.

Additionally, many people with ADHD are motivated almost entirely by fear of consequences, so removing the consequences of her being late is likely to do more harm than good. I dread to think what my life would have turned out like if I was just given excuses and accommodations. I probably would have believed I wasn’t capable and given up or not even tried.

Yes it sucks that basic things other people do effortlessly requires so much effort, but finding ways to support yourself gives you a lot of confidence and self belief, it’s better to find strategies that work for you, instead of believing it’s not possible or you’re incapable.

Oh my god this thread is infuriating. Why are posters persistently saying that the child just needs to “learn to cope” and that the OP needs to be doing more and not expecting the school to actually step up and provide support?
A child cannot just “learn to cope” unless strategies and scaffolding is put in place to help them do it. She doesn’t know or have the skills to know how to cope. If the school are saying that they’d confiscate Loop ear buds that could actually help with managing the issue of sensory overload, I think that tells us all me need to know about them.

And as someone has pointed out, workplaces have to by law put reasonable adjustments in place. Adults aren’t expected “just to cope” or get on with it. Through Access to Work I was provided with noise cancelling headphone, a standing desk, and I have a WFH arrangement plus a managed workload. All to ensure I can do my job despite my ND.

OP, a friend of mine had similar issues with her DD. Our school was pretty rubbish but thankfully not as strict as yours. Just quite ineffective. She got SENDASS involved. She also made a significant complaint via the governors.

Why does having a full time professional job mean you can't possibly need pip?

Excellent idea - your insight is astounding.

I would consider asking school to give her a buddy for lesson transitions - someone who can understand what happens in those moments so a plan can be made. As much as your dc needs support, her behaviour is detrimental to approx 29 other dc and that’s not okay either. I’d be looking at how we could work with the school to develop DD’s skills.