AIBU to force DD (15) to go to school for all of "doss week"?

[porridgewithsalt]

DD is 15 and in Y10 in England at the local comp. This week at school is what I call doss week. Years 11 and 13 have exams still, and Y12 has work experience. Y10 and below have doss week.

Doss week is a special timetable week that includes the year's annual requirement of RE, two half-day sports days, a biology field trip (half day) and visitors coming into school to do stuff. It actually all sounds quite good.

Some kids are away on expensive trips abroad this week including one of those "raise £3k to go and "help" poor people in Africa" ones. DD is not on any of these trips. Some of her friends are.

Doss week is done in form classes. DD's main friendship group is split across different forms. One of these girls is in her form. There are two other girls in her form who she is friendly with.

DD and the three girls mentioned above in her form are the only girls in her form class who were in school today apparently. The boys are apparently all awful and she has nothing to do with them. The three other girls all have permission from their parents to skip school on Wednesday, and DD is asking me if I would allow the same, as she is dreading being alone all day. She won't even have anyone at lunch apparently as the wider friendship group are all on trips. She asked me at the weekend and I said no. She's asked me again today.

I have said to her that I am annoyed that she is being put in a shit position because other parents are allowing their children to bunk off. I have told her no but that I would reconsider (ie come and ask Mumsnet!).

Attendance is 100%. No illness due to good fortune; some authorised absence for competing in sport at a high level. She is somehow predicted straight 9s but doesn't seem to do much study. She's a good kid. Out of school she only really does her sport. She socialises a bit with friends but not awkward and isn't very socially confident. She originally told me she would spend the day doing some training for her sport (not hanging out with the others interestingly) but she has now added that she has some tests the following week she would revise for.

AIBU to force her to go to school on Wednesday?

YABU - ffs sounds awful; let her stay off

YANBU - force her to attend school on principle

It's not about one day. It's about learning about structure and discipline. If a child says they don't want to do something and you say ok, you have instantly taught them that they don't need to follow societal structure. What happens when they don't want to go to work one day? Or don't want to stick to a speed limit? Or don't want to pay for the mars bar they want? You've taught them that occasionally it's ok, to break the rules.

It sounds like these are the subjects that your kids school doesn't prioritise and this is their meeting the minimum legal requirements. It's clearly gone wrong if it has the reputation as a doss week and so many people are bunking off.

Occasionally it is ok to break the rules, the trick is deciding which ones. And bunking one day at school and shoplifting are not imo the same thing. But each to their own.

I don’t quite understand what the school is doing, however if the school is not running their usual curriculum, I wouldn’t send child to school if they were going to be alone.

Oh, have a day off.

This an odd take. Be overly rigid or too compliant puts your child at risk being taken advantaged of later in life.

Yy missing one day of school during which no teaching is done sets them on the track to life in prison.

My DDs’ school had an “enrichment week” where some pupils would go on overseas trips (it is a massive school so only a small proportion of pupils) and activities would be organised for those not on trips (some in school, some day trips).

The school has since cancelled the overseas trips, apparently due to “fairness” as not all pupils can go, but anecdotally due to the poor attendance at school of pupils not on the trips which was hitting their stats.

Come to think of it I don’t think they are doing the enrichment week at all, so poor attendance by some pupils has meant no doss week for anyone!

If school require her to go in, then she goes in. At her age she needs to learn that we can't always have days off when we fancy them.....otherwise she'll get a massive shock when she gets a job.

Yes, because school and work are exactly the same.

I’d send her in then and hope the other comes in too. It seems weird to me to miss a more fun than usual school day!

Unfortunately Other Mum is Team Keep Her Off.

Current poll result is 70% Keep Her Off, 30% Send Her In. Which is probably reflective of wider society nowadays. It's hard to do the right thing when most people are not. I am still Team Send Her In.

Why even ask then if you have already decided?

Hopefully your daughter can just sit in the library at lunch and be able to study, I feel for her.

Pretty sure that if you posted a thread on here asking whether learning about other cultures (which is what RE is in most schools) is important the vast majority would say yes.

Which says a lot about the consistency of thinking.

That's annoying! Its strange usually weeks like this my kids love!

I told my daughter no, but when she asked me again I said it was still no but that I would reconsider (making it clear it was a no unless I said otherwise, not a maybe). Which is what I am doing by posting here and discussing with friends in real life.

Letting your 100% attending, a* grade child have one day off is not going to result in them thinking no rules or laws apply to them, they will also not suddenly start stealing mars bars, nor will structure or discipline go out the window.

Teenagers are old enough to know that mum and dad saying yes occasionally doesn’t green light them becoming some kind of delinquent.

I completely agree with this.
It may be far more interesting or useful than she thinks as well.

My DD bloody hated school ... limped through year 11 and got fairly good GCSEs, despite very poor attendance. Stayed on at 6th form even though we begged her not to ... rarely went and didn't get any A levels. I was concerned about her future work ethic.

The minute she left and got a job she was up and out the house early, 100% attendance, loving life and that has continued ... now mid 20s and has a very good job.

OP let her have the day off, she sounds fab and this won't make any difference.

It’s a shame that religious education is seen as unimportant by so many - highlights how intolerance can grow when it’s treated as optional.

I wouldn’t let her have it off, I would coach her through it emotionally and talk about how it’s just one day, it might be tough but she can do tough things, you’ll be proud of her and it will help her be brave at other times in the future eg new uni or new job when she doesn’t have her best mates around.

Agree plus re in year 11 is often about debating, how to looks at things from different sides, societal awareness. The teachers could make this a very dull couple of days but could also make it a very interesting couple of days with lots of class participation and discussion topics. Give it a chance

I think you are mistaking disinterest for intolerance.

It's possible not to be interested the the arbitrary rules/beliefs of other groups without being intolerant of them.

Im genuinely concerned and puzzled by some of the extremely rigid thinking on this thread.
School is not the same as work; letting her miss one day once is not setting her on a path of delinquency and ruin. If anything it risks damaging her respect for you, and your relationship. She will massively resent you if all her friends do stay off.
Im all for abiding the rules, and enforcing consequences, but in this scenario what is the benefit to force her in?
Now if she was already lazy, or didn’t abide by rule etc then of course that’s different; but you said she is a good kid with perfect attendance. She has asked your permission and not just ‘bunked off’. I think it sounds like over the years she has earnt a certain amount of respect if she has asked this once.