AIBU to force DD (15) to go to school for all of "doss week"?

[porridgewithsalt]

DD is 15 and in Y10 in England at the local comp. This week at school is what I call doss week. Years 11 and 13 have exams still, and Y12 has work experience. Y10 and below have doss week.

Doss week is a special timetable week that includes the year's annual requirement of RE, two half-day sports days, a biology field trip (half day) and visitors coming into school to do stuff. It actually all sounds quite good.

Some kids are away on expensive trips abroad this week including one of those "raise £3k to go and "help" poor people in Africa" ones. DD is not on any of these trips. Some of her friends are.

Doss week is done in form classes. DD's main friendship group is split across different forms. One of these girls is in her form. There are two other girls in her form who she is friendly with.

DD and the three girls mentioned above in her form are the only girls in her form class who were in school today apparently. The boys are apparently all awful and she has nothing to do with them. The three other girls all have permission from their parents to skip school on Wednesday, and DD is asking me if I would allow the same, as she is dreading being alone all day. She won't even have anyone at lunch apparently as the wider friendship group are all on trips. She asked me at the weekend and I said no. She's asked me again today.

I have said to her that I am annoyed that she is being put in a shit position because other parents are allowing their children to bunk off. I have told her no but that I would reconsider (ie come and ask Mumsnet!).

Attendance is 100%. No illness due to good fortune; some authorised absence for competing in sport at a high level. She is somehow predicted straight 9s but doesn't seem to do much study. She's a good kid. Out of school she only really does her sport. She socialises a bit with friends but not awkward and isn't very socially confident. She originally told me she would spend the day doing some training for her sport (not hanging out with the others interestingly) but she has now added that she has some tests the following week she would revise for.

AIBU to force her to go to school on Wednesday?

YABU - ffs sounds awful; let her stay off

YANBU - force her to attend school on principle

I’m with the let her stay off crowd.

There’s plenty of time as an adult to be all serious. Let her enjoy her life as a kid. It’s one day. Who cares? Only you do

Haven't they just had a week off school for half term ?

Maybe if the plan is to revise at home, revise at school instead - the day won't be much different.

I find lots of the replies above a bit crazy.
She isn’t sick and has no reason to be off school. It depends how you want to raise your child - thinking some mandatory days at school are optional for her because she feels like it and her mates won’t be there (not the point of school at all).
This is an opportunity for a major, important life lesson - you go to school as it’s mandatory, just like you go to uni/college, like you go to work as it’s mandatory.
she has plenty of time in the summer holidays to do whatever she wants, after school, weekends etc.
Im kind of gobsmacked this question is even being asked.
what if her friend at work or at uni wasn’t in that day, would you think it would be reasonable for her to take the day off?
and before everyone harps on “but there’s no real work happening”, “this isn’t work or serious, it’s year 10” - this is where life lessons are learnt. Do you want your child to be a hard working, reliable member of society? Or pick and choose depending on if her mates are around/if she feels like it.

The girl you describe doesn't sound like she needs a lesson in commitment, priorities or loyalty - I'd let her have the day off (and this sneaky secret together will be a thing you giggle about for a couple of years). I loved yr 10 for my sons - they were old enough to appreciate such gestures whilst being mature enough to not expect the treats to go on ad infinitum.

You’re putting your principles before your daughter and while I agree with where you’re coming from, this is a battle you don’t need to win. Look at the bigger picture and what it means to your daughter.

Oh what complete bollocks. Am I not a hard working member of society because I once called in sick 20 years ago? Have a day off.

Just like OPs daughter should

Visitors coming into school? A load of work will have gone into making this a useful week.
It's important to be able to do something even if your friends aren't going. Or is she only going to get a job or do a course if her pals are on it?

Let her stay off on the proviso that she priorities FUN. Not the type you get flicking through tiktok. She has the whole rest of her life to waste on having to attend days that do absolutely nothing for her or anyone else.

Would add if she's in y10 with 100% attendance the hard work of instilling a work/ attendeeism ethic is done already and you will get a load of good will points.

Oh, lighten the fuck up 😂

Oh god my school had this for a few years

(ex teacher)

attendance was always really down that week.

then they got rid of it and made it exam week and honestly everyone preferred it.

I hated it because as teachers we usually had to supervise sessions run by external people and the quality was so, so variable.

we used to do a lot of pshe and careers stuff during it.

I don't call it doss week to her face. In fact I only coined the term for this thread for entertainment purposes. I also wrote in my OP that the week seems quite good on paper. DD and I agree on this

It is a fully structured week. Maybe the term 'doss week' is misleading.

I don't call it that to her face, and she doesn't see it as optional. She has maturely explained the issues to me and asked my permission not to go.

I am surprised how many people have told me to lighten up and let her stay off! My AIBU is AIBU to send her in, not keep her off. I'm Team Send Her In for many of the reasons you outlined.

Yes and this is one of the reasons I have said that she still has to go in.

Wow. It is little surprise that we are breeding entitled adults and that employers no longer want to take on young people. These kids have no chance given the number of parents who see no concerns in breaking the structure and discipline of something as basic as going to school. What a mess society is in now... and it's only going to get so much worse.

Good for you! Your kids will have so much more chance in life because of the structure and discipline you are giving them. We shouldn't have to applaud a parent who sends their child to school, that should be the norm, but it seems you're the only one with any decent parenting skills in this thread so... 👏

So she wont have a chance in life if she misses one day of school? Christ above

I have a few updates.

I have an elder DD in Y13 at the same school who has since reminded me of the following which I had forgotten about. When she was in Y10, they had a similar block of time (maybe only 3 days) but it was all with an external provider on some kind of project. Attendance was low and no-one was enjoying it. For the final day, my now Y13 DD told me she was the only one in her group going in (the others were all being allowed to skive) and would have to deliver the final presentation alone. In itself that sounds like a good development opportunity but I think the whole thing was pretty rubbish and she was really stressed about it, and I did let her have the day off. We didn't discuss it with my DH (her DF) and apparently he was really cross (does have a tendency to be unreasonable and inflexible sadly). I'm not letting this sway my opinion as I'm taking each case on its own merits! Said elder DD recently missed a few of her final A-level revision sessions as she didn't find them at all helpful - we discussed this sensibly and I supported her with her decision making. Hopefully she is well set up for uni and the working world.

I discussed the dilemma with two friends IRL tonight. One said ideally I should persuade the other parents to send their children in. Genius plan. (You would have hoped that a good friend would come to school in solidarity with you if you weren't allowed to skip, but hey no-one is perfect.) I had in fact already messaged the mum of one of the girls (I don't know the families of the other two).

Other Mum has now replied. She hasn't in fact said yes to the day off, but hasn't said no either. I have asked her to support me in sending the girls in.

Might post on the school parents' FB page if I can do it anonymously.

the "you wouldn't get away with this in work" excuse is so lazy and illogical.
SCHOOL ISN'T WORK!
In terms of the most direct equivalence - if she didn't want to eat alone in work she could eat at her desk or leave her workplace to go out somewhere. She can't do that in school.
She will also have CHOSEN her workplace, will be paid to attend it, and, if it was somewhere where she didn't get on with her colleagues to the extent it impacted her wellbeing, could get another job - as is recommended on threads on here.

Completely off-topic OP but I'm confused as to how the school can get away with fitting a whole year's worth of RE into about 2 days (by the time you take all the other stuff into account), and, if it's apparently compulsory they teach RE, how that works with half the year being off on trips etc. over 'doss weekand therefore not doing it at all?

The entire (unproven) premise of worshipping 100% attendance is to attain better exam scores so why stick to it after exams are done? It’s not bunking off school when there is no more schooling happening in the building.

Might post on the school parents' FB page if I can do it anonymously. This would be a very weird thing to do.

Why is older DD allowed to skip so much and the same isn't offered to your younger DD?

Bit late to this, but was going to suggest contacting the other parents. I suspect a bit of "let's all tell our parents that the others aren't going in" to pressurise each other's parents to agree.