AIBU to force DD (15) to go to school for all of "doss week"?

[porridgewithsalt]

DD is 15 and in Y10 in England at the local comp. This week at school is what I call doss week. Years 11 and 13 have exams still, and Y12 has work experience. Y10 and below have doss week.

Doss week is a special timetable week that includes the year's annual requirement of RE, two half-day sports days, a biology field trip (half day) and visitors coming into school to do stuff. It actually all sounds quite good.

Some kids are away on expensive trips abroad this week including one of those "raise £3k to go and "help" poor people in Africa" ones. DD is not on any of these trips. Some of her friends are.

Doss week is done in form classes. DD's main friendship group is split across different forms. One of these girls is in her form. There are two other girls in her form who she is friendly with.

DD and the three girls mentioned above in her form are the only girls in her form class who were in school today apparently. The boys are apparently all awful and she has nothing to do with them. The three other girls all have permission from their parents to skip school on Wednesday, and DD is asking me if I would allow the same, as she is dreading being alone all day. She won't even have anyone at lunch apparently as the wider friendship group are all on trips. She asked me at the weekend and I said no. She's asked me again today.

I have said to her that I am annoyed that she is being put in a shit position because other parents are allowing their children to bunk off. I have told her no but that I would reconsider (ie come and ask Mumsnet!).

Attendance is 100%. No illness due to good fortune; some authorised absence for competing in sport at a high level. She is somehow predicted straight 9s but doesn't seem to do much study. She's a good kid. Out of school she only really does her sport. She socialises a bit with friends but not awkward and isn't very socially confident. She originally told me she would spend the day doing some training for her sport (not hanging out with the others interestingly) but she has now added that she has some tests the following week she would revise for.

AIBU to force her to go to school on Wednesday?

YABU - ffs sounds awful; let her stay off

YANBU - force her to attend school on principle

This is all a bit weird. Why post of FB? If your daughter is doing really well at school and no trouble then let her have the day off. At least she asked you and didn’t just skip school.

My DD tried to pull this. 'everyone else'.....I told her I don't parent based on everyone else.

Except it’s now clear that she has also lied… as the other girls are not definitely off.

This seems like a huge over reaction to a kid who is predicted all 9s and has perfect attendance missing a day of school.

I honestly dont know how people get worked up about this stuff.

What’s happening on the Weds? I’m assuming it’s not a trip day. Like why are all 3 off then? ! Why can’t they all just go in and be together…

I remember my “doss week” because I absolutely hated the two days of sports. The only day I liked was the drama and arts days. I got my Nan to write me a note getting me out of the second sports day due to unexpectedly coming on my period and suffering with “ severe cramps and nausea “ 🤣 she still reminds me to this day and she’s almost 80 now.

They do the entire annual RE lessons in a couple of days?!? Why on earth does the school structure it like that rather than timetable it throughout the year like normal? It’s very intense, potentially boring for many children to have the same subject for days, and if any child is off (for valid reasons or otherwise) they have missed the entire statutory RE! Very bizarre.

Such a shame that the sickness bug has made her feel awful the whole week.

Thanks for the feedback. I am a bit weird but it would be anonymous

I would let her have the day but would not lie to the school.

Where did you get "so much" from? Older DD missed one day in Y10 in a similar situation. She also missed about three lessons, as an 18 year old adult, towards the very end of her school career, as the teacher was useless and she could work in the library instead. She was/is a similar 100% attendance, high-achieving student who went in throughout all the GCSE and A-level revision periods preceding formal study leave when attendance across the year is around 5%.

Or her friends lied to her or her friends are skipping no matter what their parents decide. Her lying is one of many possibilities that fit that facts.

Yes thanks - my friend IRL suggested this and this is what I have done. Although I only know one other parent, hence the idea of posting anonymously on the school parents' FB page, except more than one poster here thinks that's a weird thing to do.

Of course she has to go in. The school are going to an effort to make nice activities for them, it’s disrespectful not to go unless I’ll (or other good reason) and isn’t going to create a good attitude for work.

I would let her have the one day off. Not the whole day.

I would also stop calling it doss week. RE is not just an optional or worthless subject either - it’s the nearest to getting an sort of philosophy teaching our kids have for one thing.

I don’t think she has got 100% attendance if she’s had authorised absence just as a semantic point - illness is also authorised absence, and if she’s off doing something else, she’s off.

All this said, my dd has managed to find ways out of sports day throughout school - she got straight 9s in GCSEs and is perfectly fit and healthy but just not into doing sports at school. Shes not one to just bunk off anything she doesn’t like so I give her a pass on this one thing!

I would send her in. Sometimes weird stuff happens, like because she’s not with her usual friends she gets chatting to someone different and makes a new friend. Or maybe it’s just a bit rubbish and she feels a bit bored or a bit out of her normal comfort zone, copes with it and comes home. Unless you really think her mental health is poor or there’s genuinely something awful happening, I’d err on the side of just getting out there and getting it done. I think there are times when an unexpected/unplanned day off is definitely a good thing, but I don’t think this is that.

I'm not quite sure why the Wednesday is a problem. It's the day when externals are coming in, which is another reason why i think she should go in. Of course they should all go in together but I can't control what others do. I have asked the mum of the girl in her close friendship group to support me in sending her in. I don't know the other families.

Attendance is 100%. No illness due to good fortune; some authorised absence for competing in sport at a high level. She is somehow predicted straight 9s but doesn't seem to do much study.
She was/is a similar 100% attendance, high-achieving student

It is kind of weird that you subconsciously value attendance more than academic achievement. These sentences are examples of how your description of your DC always prioritises attendance for first mention before commenting on academics. Even though you admit attendance is down to good fortune you seem to value it more.

Not lying to school is a good point to raise and I had thought that I would give them a detailed and honest explanation.

I don’t think she has got 100% attendance if she’s had authorised absence just as a semantic point - illness is also authorised absence, and if she’s off doing something else, she’s off.

I agree, and think the fudging of attendance stats is also weird. It’s like OP cannot bear to admit to less than 100% attendance it’s that important to her.

As posted earlier I've only called it doss week for entertainment purposes on this thread. It has a formal name that I use IRL.

I actually strongly disapprove and am saddened by the way RE is treated by the school. Apparently the minimal national curriculum requirement is too low to timetable so they meet the requirement this way (there is about a day's worth of RE in the week). About 1/3 of the year (100 kids; DD's estimate) are away on trips too so school knows that a significant minority will miss this compulsory element.

Yes’m have to engrain the know your place, don’t be disrespectful to your betters, doff the cap Guv’nor so she’s ready for even ridiculous work demands as an obedient worker bee.

If we all were trained to think like this, women would never have won equal pay or maternity leave.

I'm just illustrating that (i) my children are the kind of kids to go to school and have not been unfortunate to suffer health issues including school refusal, and (ii) I'm not the kind of parent who takes them out for term-time holidays or lets them bunk off generally. I'm not proud of their attendance as an achievement. I'm just stating facts for context as I'm asking Mumsnetters for help and perspective. If I hadn't painted a picture and included attendance information then I'm sure a lot of people would be asking what my DD's attendance is like

The school is going to an effort to have visitors come in , put on sports day, do re classes (pretty important - not sure why it’s left to one week though). To just opt out for no good reason other than I can’t be bothered when it’s actually not an optional event is disrespectful. Maybe she will learn some valuable things

I made DD go in for one day of hers and not only did she have a miserable day but she really resented me and saw me as being much harsher than other parents and wanting to prioritise the system and the rules over her. So I do actually listen to her now! I did reassure myself by checking in with a couple of friends whose DC are in the same year but not in DD’s friendship group and their info matched what DD was telling me. We’ve been taking the same approach through GCSEs and have been selective in which compulsory revision sessions she attends.
I am curious whether it wa always like this or whether this is a post Covid thing. I was never allowed to miss a day of school unless properly ill but then one of my parents taught there which made it a bit awkward!