Annoyed with Husband’s attitude over laundry and weekends etc

[howcanyoube]

My husband really annoyed me and I want to know if I’m being unreasonable or what’s actually the deal here- objectively.

Let me start by saying, he has a very intense job- physical and long commute. He leaves at 5:30 and won’t get home until 8:30. 5 days a week.

Of course at weekends I always let him have a lie in until whenever he wants. He also retreats a lot back into the bedroom to watch TV and just decompress. Again, I don’t disturb him much really.

He doesn’t really like doing much at the weekend. He likes to rest. We have two kids, 4 and 6. Of course they want to go out, go to the park / playground/ out in the garden/ to parties / activities/ play dates / seeing relatives etc. the usual.

DH will take us out occasionally but basically hates doing child centred stuff and just wants to come home asap when we do go out. Last weekend for example we went for a pub lunch and I said let’s take the kids to the park after and practically had to beg. We did go, but he didn’t want to.

anyway, I do all housework and child related stuff as he’s never here really. He takes care of finances/ mortgages etc.

I used to work full time in a job with travel and office time too but now I am working part time for myself. I’m not making as much money but I have a much better balance as everything was just too much before.

anyway recently at weekends, I’ve just been going upstairs with him to watch TV and also chill. The kids leave us for a short while but then they also want to be up there. So he’s getting less peace I guess. Today I was sorting out a lot of clothes in the bedroom and doing laundry and was asking him what’s dirty and what’s clean because he’s completely unable to put dirty washing in the basket and it’s a constant struggle for me. I tell him all the time to sort it out, that’s all I ask- but he just can’t do it. He leaves his stuff in the bathroom, in other places in the bedroom/ on the bed/ on the floor. It’s so frustrating.

I asked him to sort it out and he started having a go at me, saying everything is a mess anyway and leave him alone, he’s trying to relax etc. the usual.

it really pissed me off. I did a lot of sorting clothes today and laundry etc and then told him to make the kids their lunch, which was just some pasta ( I had made the sauce earlier ). And he just seemed totally annoyed by it. Basically he’s been annoyed all day that we have spent a bit of time that he wasn’t able to just chill most of the day.

before anyone says he needs a new job etc- it’s just not an option right now. It just is what it is.

anyway I kind of dread the weekends. There is just no get up and go from him. Sometimes I’m also tried and just wish he was more up for doing stuff or just getting out. It’s mostly me and the kids and it’s tiring for me. My health isn’t the best either so I can’t manage THAT much.

anyway it’s ridiculous that a grown man can’t put his washing in the basket ? Of course it is. The fact be wants some downtime is understandable, but difficult sometimes for family life.

That sounds pretty awful. How long is your husband’s commute and is there any way that you could move nearer?

Stop washing his stuff. Put everything you find in a carrier clean or dirty and pop it down beside his bed. Your not his maid

Not an option. Nothing is going to change with the business for now. It just is what it is.

15 hour work days are brutal. I’ve done 13hour days in an intense and stressful job and honestly I was burnt out, and that was before kids. You both need a better balance. Can you move closer to work?

My exh was similar. We had 3 dc and he wasn't interested in being A Family or engaging in Family Stuff.
I just did my own thing with the dc until the day i moved out. And took the dc. He was left bewildered tbh. He presumed paying bills was all that being a family required from him.
I suggest you do the same. And stop doing his bloody washing.

He sees you as the family skivvy.
His job is his excuse to do absolutely nothing, not even to put his laundry in a basket.
That is profound, toxic disrespect.
My 3 year olds could put laundry in a basket.

Treat him like the toddler he is.
Stop doing ANY laundry for him as he can't follow a simple basic courtesy.

I feel for your children in such a disrespectful environment.
Get organised to increase your hours and pay.
With such disrespect your resentment will only grow.
I'm so sorry.

Jesus OP. This life sounds awful for you and DC.
He sounds unwell. Depressed or something.
Alternatively he’s a lazy responsibility-shirking, crap-father, crap-husband jerk.
Either he sorts himself out or you’d be better off on your own.

That’s a hell of a long day he’s doing, 15 hours! I’m not surprised he’s completely exhausted! I’d cut him some slack with not wanting to go out at weekends I’m surprised he’s still standing after a 75 hour week! If it was me I’d make plans with family & friends and the kids and just leave him to sleep/ rest, hopefully after having some peace he may be amenable to being more sociable with you in the evenings? I know you say new job isn’t an option but he’s at risk of burning out!
However not putting his washing in the basket is not on. My ex did that and it got right on my tits when his washing was lobbed in the general direction of the basket so I calmly told him that from Monday anything not in the basket wouldn’t be washed! And I stuck to it! He eventually had to give in once he’d run out of clean clothes! I also took my time getting them all washed and continued my twice weekly washing so it took ages to get all his stuff clean! 🤣

Can you give me examples of how other husbands behave ? It’s just that his hours are so long so I really do try to be understanding of the fact he’s tired. But I just don’t know if I’m making too many allowances or not.

I think you need to have a chat with him about this, you sound like you’re trying to be really considerate of him but you need to agree what you both want life to look like right now. This situation isn’t temporary, it’s your life and it’s not making you happy. I’m sure it’s a struggle for him too but maybe there are little changes you can both make/ways you can understand one and other a bit more

Mine often does 13 hour days at certain times of the year including a short commute, his usual hours are maybe 10-11 hours a day. He also never gets 2 days off together in a week. We don’t have kids but when he does those long days I put zero pressure on him (although he’s very house trained and puts his washing in the basket even after a 13 hour day) I don’t book up any outings or visits to family. We’ve been known to go to bed at 7 and he’ll sleep and I’ll read my book in bed.
However I’m aware that my life is very different to yours as we have no kids so it’s easier for us to just batten down the hatches and stay home and see no one for the weekend!

Well, there are two things here -

Firstly, the laundry. I would tell him that from now on, you will wash whatever is put in the laundry basket and that's it. If he doesn't put it in there, it doesn't get washed. I have 5 sons and this was the rule in my house. If they didn't put it in the laundry, they washed it themselves.

Secondly, he is not spending very much time with his children. He basically doesn't see them from Monday to Friday. So at weekends, he should be making an effort to spend some quality time with them. If he wants a lie-in, fine. But from midday to bedtime, he needs to step up and be a parent. He can chill once they're in bed.

He is opting out of family life and it's not good enough. You need to make your expectations clear - he needs to shape up or ship out!

That is exactly what I would do. In fact years ago I gathered abandoned clothes up and chucked them all in the bottom of his wardrobe.

It sounds like a difficult situation for you both ☹️

You need some time off, time with him and he needs time with his children.

I know he has a hard job, so do you!

You also work and deserve a lie in.

Sadly , the dynamic needs to change for this to last.

My DH worked away, I did not work when my children were this age, but when DH was home he wanted to spend time with me and his children 😊

Has he seen his GP recently? Worth getting full bloods, V12/ folate/D etc run to see if there is an underlying issue.

No excuses for not putting his washing in a basket as others have said.

Can i ask you: Does he actually like you or the kids because it doesn't sound like it. If you love your partner and your kids, you feel sad about being at work, sure you feel knackered especially with long days, but you'd be trying to figure out a way to make sure your partner wasnt lumbered with EVERYTHING and that you got some time to actually parent your children. The children must be up early, so he could have 3 hours of decompress time each day first thing and STILL engage in family life the rest of the time...

I don't think how he's behaving is acceptable. My husband's hours are not currently too long but he's had phases of working very long hours in the police, phases with nearly 24 hours a day sometimes, but the more he works, the more hands on he is with the kids (currently 2 and 4) to make up for it when he's off.

Would he be less tired if he stayed near work in the week and just came home at the weekend? If he stayed in a hotel they could do his washing too! The commute must be exhausting. Concentrate on yourself and the kids at the weekend, make memories with the three of you. You can't force him to participate in family life. Do you want to stay with him?
Agree that only laundry in basket gets washed.

it sounds like he has just checked out of family life ?
you can’t “chill” in your room watching tv every weekend when you’re a parent of small children. You get to do that when the children are asleep. He should want to see them having been away working all week? It’s very sad really.
he needs to step up this doesn’t sound sustainable
is he depressed ? Burning out ? Or just lazy AF ?

He's working hours and commute are exhausting and well above average. He's most likely exhausted, especially if he's been doing it a while and with no end in sight.

The washing is easy - tell him it will be washed if it's in the laundry basket but not if it isn't.

Have you actually discussed this? He's exhausted, you're unhappy. What's the plan long term to make it better for you both.

Maybe rest Saturday morning and make Saturday evening movie night with the kids. Then time for you alone when they are gone to bed. Subday morning out for breakfast and then the park so he can take it easy for rest of the day given he's up again at 5pm.

The laundry is annoying but it's not the bigvissue here. The big issue is little communication and not working together.

So you work part time, do all the school runs. 4 year old home with.you still? You do all housework. All parenting. All of everything.. he works. Yeah long hours, ok, so what? You work, and you do everything else.

Ask yourself this. If you separated. He would then need to start cooking, cleaning, doing his laundry, looking after the kids by himself. What more would you need to do? You'd have less housework to do because you wouldn't be looking after him too. You'd have child free time for work or hobbies or relaxing. He'd still have to pay child maintenance towards his kids and if you were really short of money you'd get benefits. So unless his long hours are affording you a life of absolute Luxury, which it's clearly not or you wouldn't be doing laundry on a weekend, you'd be paying someone to do that, then you'd be better off separated and he'd be worse off.

That's imo an easy way to know if your relationship is fair. When I left my ex my life improved substantially, his got substantially worse.

If DH and I split. We would both suffer. He works long hours, but you know all that time he's not working? He's sharing the workload, he's doing housework and childcare because in all those hours he's not working he's still a husband and father.

And the fact that your H doesn't even wan to take his own kids to the park shows how selfish he is. Lots of men have wives and kids to look the park, married fathers are more "desirable" than middle aged bachelors. They don't actually want to be husbands and fathers, they just want wives and kids.

When my husband worked and I was on mat leave or part time when the kids were little, I looked after the kids whilst he was at work then he came home and everything was 50/50 because I married a decent husband and father

yours honestly sounds awful. Like he doesn't even want to be part of a family

anyone who was out of the house for such long hours would be totallyburned out too. The way your lives are set up currently is never going to work ever. He’s going to have a nervous breakdown soon, as anyone in his situation would.

OP, my 5 and 7 year olds have to put their clothes in their washing basket. I do most of the washing in my house and I will not wash things that are not in the basket. I wouldn't go through it with him. Just don't do it.

The parenting part, he's not making a relationship with his children. If he doesn't spend time with them then they won't bond with him. I'd point that out to him.

@howcanyoube he shouldn’t need both Sat and Sun in bed watching TV, one is plenty. And having early nights Fri, Sat and Sun would enable him to catch up with sleep. That should leave one full day being active with his family.

All parents are tired, especially when the children are young like your two are but we have to soldier on and take part in family life. What’s the point of him working for his family if he doesn’t even see them enjoy his effort? He’s missing out.

Tell him, Saturday or Sunday is family day and that’s that! Get onboard as you’re not happy with the way it currently is and neither are the children.