Annoyed with Husband’s attitude over laundry and weekends etc

[howcanyoube]

My husband really annoyed me and I want to know if I’m being unreasonable or what’s actually the deal here- objectively.

Let me start by saying, he has a very intense job- physical and long commute. He leaves at 5:30 and won’t get home until 8:30. 5 days a week.

Of course at weekends I always let him have a lie in until whenever he wants. He also retreats a lot back into the bedroom to watch TV and just decompress. Again, I don’t disturb him much really.

He doesn’t really like doing much at the weekend. He likes to rest. We have two kids, 4 and 6. Of course they want to go out, go to the park / playground/ out in the garden/ to parties / activities/ play dates / seeing relatives etc. the usual.

DH will take us out occasionally but basically hates doing child centred stuff and just wants to come home asap when we do go out. Last weekend for example we went for a pub lunch and I said let’s take the kids to the park after and practically had to beg. We did go, but he didn’t want to.

anyway, I do all housework and child related stuff as he’s never here really. He takes care of finances/ mortgages etc.

I used to work full time in a job with travel and office time too but now I am working part time for myself. I’m not making as much money but I have a much better balance as everything was just too much before.

anyway recently at weekends, I’ve just been going upstairs with him to watch TV and also chill. The kids leave us for a short while but then they also want to be up there. So he’s getting less peace I guess. Today I was sorting out a lot of clothes in the bedroom and doing laundry and was asking him what’s dirty and what’s clean because he’s completely unable to put dirty washing in the basket and it’s a constant struggle for me. I tell him all the time to sort it out, that’s all I ask- but he just can’t do it. He leaves his stuff in the bathroom, in other places in the bedroom/ on the bed/ on the floor. It’s so frustrating.

I asked him to sort it out and he started having a go at me, saying everything is a mess anyway and leave him alone, he’s trying to relax etc. the usual.

it really pissed me off. I did a lot of sorting clothes today and laundry etc and then told him to make the kids their lunch, which was just some pasta ( I had made the sauce earlier ). And he just seemed totally annoyed by it. Basically he’s been annoyed all day that we have spent a bit of time that he wasn’t able to just chill most of the day.

before anyone says he needs a new job etc- it’s just not an option right now. It just is what it is.

anyway I kind of dread the weekends. There is just no get up and go from him. Sometimes I’m also tried and just wish he was more up for doing stuff or just getting out. It’s mostly me and the kids and it’s tiring for me. My health isn’t the best either so I can’t manage THAT much.

anyway it’s ridiculous that a grown man can’t put his washing in the basket ? Of course it is. The fact be wants some downtime is understandable, but difficult sometimes for family life.

His job is unsustainable.

He must be making a lot of money, in which case you need to hire a cleaner.

Its pathetic that he can’t even put his laundry in the basket - my DC have done this from about 4 years old.
If he was single would he seriously have dirty laundry everywhere when he invited women around?!

I would give him some leeway and not expect him to do much on weekdays.
That means still putting his dishes in the sink, dirty clothes in the laundry basket etc - cleaning up after himself.

I’d allow him a lie in one day a week but the rest of the weekend everything should be 50/50.
They are his kids too and needs to at least parent on weekends.

It's no doubt a long tough week for him but it's no excuse for how he's treating you. My 3 and 5 year olds put their dirty clothes in their washing baskets, put their plates in the dishwasher and empty the bottom half of it.

My DH was a SAHP, I worked the long hours, spent mo this overseas etc.

My weekends went like this.... Lie in until 10.30, breakfast in bed - my DH was a peach. Then up and on my own did the shopping with kids, went to park, visited friends/family etc. My DH got the weekend off. We sent our washing out. He cleaned the house and cooked. It worked for us, though it used to annoy me that he never wanted to come out as a family to the park unless food and beer were involved! In Mijas Costa, Spain where we regularly holidayed, he would be in the park with the kids all the time cos there are bars in children's parks or on the beach for the same reason...

Your DH cannot isolate from his children for almost all of the week every week, that's ridiculous. He needs to step and what's with the clothes is he a child? Make him do his own washing.

My husband gets up for work at 4am, he’s out the door 15 mins later.
he has a 12 hour day / 5 days a week and do you know want he does when he gets home?

he puts his clothes straight in HIS washing basket. On a Saturday he empties HIS washing basket and puts a wash on, then he hangs HIS clothes on the line and puts it all away when it’s dry.

he cooks most nights and picks up from childcare when needed too.

no knighthood needed here though. That’s just him being a well adjusted adult, good father and respectful husband.

You work part time, do housework on days off and weekends shoukd be 50 50 with kids, u don't always have to take kids out let them play in garden whilst do laundry cook tea, take it in turns to lie in sat sun if he won't tell him he can have access to kids sat all day whilst u live on your own!

He's working an unsustainable amount of hours, and he has nothing left to give to his family. My husband has times where he does days of that length, and he's always exhausted those weeks. (Although never disrespectful)
Your husband must be shattered and probably quite burnt out. It's not a reason to disrespect you and ignore your children but honestly I couldn't live in that situation, it really sounds like something needs to change.

You are enabling his behaviour. Tell him that it won't get washed if it's not in the laundry basket and leave it on the floor.

You need to discuss what is happening in family life at weekends ... come to a reasonable agreement.

How long is 'for now'? What is the long-term plan?
Because this work pattern is not sustainable - so how long are you expecting him to sustain it?
He is seriously damaging his health, and his relationship with his children. You need a firm plan for when this will change - as soon as possible.

As so many others have said, there is absolutely no reason for him to treat you like his personal maid. That is so disrespectful.
Tell him, if clothes are not in the laundry basket, they don't get washed. Then implement it. Just shove all his clothes into a pile in the corner and vacuum around them. Don't 'nag' or keep remining him, tell him once, then stick to what you have said.

A lot of husbands choose not to have a 75 hours week...
My husband wouldn't have a family at home if a 75 hour job like was his choice.

I would just wash what's in the laundry basket, he will soon learn when he runs out of clothes , and move anything he has left on the floor to his side of the bed and ignore it. My DH puts washing in the laundry basket and does housework regardless of what time he has started or finished work.
You do need to have a sit down conversation with him about time with family and weekends. Did he actually want to have children? Because he behaves like he didn't want them, that's not fair on them and needs to change.
I don't understand why you have reduced your working hours , isn't he earning a lot of money for all these hours? He should have paid for someone to help you with cleaning and laundry if you were struggling. You should be a team or a partnership, he's not doing that.

My DH does 60+ hrs per week so not quite as many as yours, but I also work full time with a 2.5hr roynd trip commute per day.

Honestly? We have a cleaner who comes in once a week for five hours to do all the cleaning and ironing. So that is something neither of us has to worry about. Could you do the same?

I don't mind doing the laundry and DH does most of the cooking. We are a team because we communicate how we are feeling and we'll often have a look ahead at the start of each week and see where the pressure points are and who can pick up to support the other if needs be.

As cheesy as it sounds, we are a team and, when I am picking up the majority of the mental load some weeks, he takes over when we know there is some let up and he takes over. There is no resentment because we are always talking. Otherwise, where is the balance? When do you get a chance to watch tv all weekend and rest? That's not fair.

Hs work days are far too long, until that is sorted nothing will improve.

There are ways to sort the housework issue, but he takes no joy in his children and that's a bigger problem.

If he wants it washing, it goes in the basket. Tell him that, from now on, you will assume that any clothes left on the floor are surplus to requirements and need to be disposed of.

Just take the kids out without him, he sounds miserable.

you can’t “chill” in your room watching tv every weekend when you’re a parent of small children. You get to do that when the children are asleep.

This is it, he can't just pretend his kids don't exist because he is tired. It is the life he has chosen.

Can he stay over some nights instead of commuting every day? He does fuck all when he's home anyway so it wouldn't make any difference to you or the kids, and he may not be so tired when he does come home.

My husband has a similar workweek in terms of hours but he does shift work so it includes nights and weekends. He is exhausted but is very good to plan days out with our son no matter how tired he is. He doesn't do a lot of housework but that's mainly because I get the majority done while he's at work. On days off he has a lie in but does some cleaning tasks, cutting the grass, hoovering and cleaning windows/oven. I feel its balanced and works well for us overall.

I think he's checked out of the marriage and being a Parent.

He thinks earning ££££ is all he has to do.

Tell him you want a divorce because you would be better off as a single parent (which you are now anyway) with him paying CMS. You then have 1 less person to skivvy for and could possibly afford a cleaner a couple of hours a week.

He can live his single life.

win-win

Firstly, Tell him he can do his own laundry, then you won’t need to nag him.
Secondly, go out with your DC and have a nice time. Don’t try and drag Daddy into it. It will work much better.

Longer term he needs to plan his time so he can enjoy his DC, and actually get to know them. Currently I assume he only sees them at the weekend, and barely then?
DH used to stay over night in a cheap hotel a couple of nights a week. He’d stay over Monday and Thursday night, so he didn’t need to commute as much. He was much better rested.

Poor guy must be dead on his feet

I dunno op, I’d be extremely pissed off. My dh leaves about 5:45-6am. Then he collects our dc at 6 and starts dinner and bath, homework and stories, bedtimes, then by 9, 9:30 we have them in bed and are cleaning up dinner and doing school lunches. neither of us catches a break at our place till well past 8:30, and weekends are packed,
we are both running around non stop with the kids sports schedules, cooking and cleaning. So I couldn’t accept your dhs schedule. He needs to commit to something like 4 hours enthusiastic parenting and cleaning each day on the weekend. Kids exist 24/7.

Mine gets up with our DD every weekend so I can have a lie in because I do all the bedtimes/nights. He doesn’t always come out with us on weekends but often will. He would never moan about spending time with us.

honestly OP - if he doesn’t want to be around his family when he’s actually home what’s the point? I don’t get it. And definitely stop clearing up after him. If my DH leaves anything lying around I make a point of leaving it until he realises I’m not his maid.

This isn’t sustainable as it sounds completely miserable for all of you. Your husband must be exhausted, so must you, and your kids are being role modelled a terrible example of how families work. You say you can’t change anything about his current work, you will probably have to if you want this relationship to last. Why did he have children, or were they there before this job? He doesn’t seem to want children whatsoever so it’s unclear why you had them.

Forget the husband bit for now - he thinks his mighty penis and big job means you are his house servant

It’s the not being a dad but that’s more important

His/your children are only going to be little and you are the whole world for such a short amount of time

Before H&I had babies we thrashed out what was expected, H had/has a “big job” and I am happy to do more in the house - it works out as similar hours I am not one to get wound up about a few clothes or a bit of pasta.

But not being a dad, I would go fucking nuclear because for a small number of years it isn’t about his fucking chill time or tv or not being disturbed. It’s turning up, being there, not taking out your adult energy levels or worries or lack of chill time out on the two small humans he, presumably, wanted and helped create.

H used to drop them into school going to work, he would come home for bedtime, they were fed, clean, in pyjamas, as soon as they heard his key they would drop everything and run to the door, it was the best bit of his day, all his adults worries disappeared because they were the reason he worked. He would then do story time because he hadn’t seen them all day. And after that then he would sit down and eat.
He took them to 90% of weekend parties and sports clubs and he was sometimes the one we had to get off the climbing frame to come home. He had a car full of sticks and not once, not once did he expect his 6&4 year old to bear the brunt or miss out because of his adult obligations.

If he came back after bedtime which happened a lot, he used to try and get home and log back in, but if he couldn’t and he missed them that evening he was gutted. He had to hear their news the following morning with a coffee in bed.

So I would address that first and ask him why the fuck he agreed to have children and never seemingly wants to spend anytime with them? I would them tell him he is a disgrace as dad, that I wouldn’t care about spending time either me but the kids, unforgivable, you don’t get a second chance at this it’s now or never. I would tell him he is an utter let down but fine if he doesn’t want to be part of family life then he won’t be, any of it, he can live as an independent single “big man” in the house, do his own laundry, cooking, buy his own toiletries etc etc

But then I didn’t need H financially. I was never afraid of if we split up.

And now, now we have older teens and they understandably want to spend much less time with us, despite the tiredness, the little time he had during those younger years, the stress and chaos. H has never regretted spending that time with his children, as mentioned you don’t get a second go.

So if you want to phrase it for his benefit, although why bother, but if that is what you would think might work, say that - that he will regret this in the future.

Based on your description, it sounds like if he were single with no children and lived alone or with flatmates, his current level of effort wouldn't sustain his basic needs. He'd have to find a way to either do more or pay someone to come in and do it (this last option might be a possibility now, too). Right now, he's dependent on your willingly doing his share of the childcare/parenting and most of the housework.

Even if you had no outside job/zero hours a week, he should be sharing the load when he's not working, commuting, or taking care of other obligations outside of the household (e.g., if he's studying or responsible for extended family, etc.) Under the circumstances, it does make sense that you do more because of lower time commitments outside, and if you work from home on a more flexible schedule there may be some items that naturally fall to you out of necessity. But in a typical week, each of you should end up with roughly the same amount of leisure time.

Also, "fairness" about shared tasks aside, the lack of interest in spending time with the children is a serious issue. Whether he never wanted children or didn't understand what it would be like, he has them now and they're his responsibility every bit as much as yours. I don't know how you prevail on him to change that, though, if an appeal to basic decency and responsibility and concern for their well being doesn't work.