Annoyed with Husband’s attitude over laundry and weekends etc

[howcanyoube]

My husband really annoyed me and I want to know if I’m being unreasonable or what’s actually the deal here- objectively.

Let me start by saying, he has a very intense job- physical and long commute. He leaves at 5:30 and won’t get home until 8:30. 5 days a week.

Of course at weekends I always let him have a lie in until whenever he wants. He also retreats a lot back into the bedroom to watch TV and just decompress. Again, I don’t disturb him much really.

He doesn’t really like doing much at the weekend. He likes to rest. We have two kids, 4 and 6. Of course they want to go out, go to the park / playground/ out in the garden/ to parties / activities/ play dates / seeing relatives etc. the usual.

DH will take us out occasionally but basically hates doing child centred stuff and just wants to come home asap when we do go out. Last weekend for example we went for a pub lunch and I said let’s take the kids to the park after and practically had to beg. We did go, but he didn’t want to.

anyway, I do all housework and child related stuff as he’s never here really. He takes care of finances/ mortgages etc.

I used to work full time in a job with travel and office time too but now I am working part time for myself. I’m not making as much money but I have a much better balance as everything was just too much before.

anyway recently at weekends, I’ve just been going upstairs with him to watch TV and also chill. The kids leave us for a short while but then they also want to be up there. So he’s getting less peace I guess. Today I was sorting out a lot of clothes in the bedroom and doing laundry and was asking him what’s dirty and what’s clean because he’s completely unable to put dirty washing in the basket and it’s a constant struggle for me. I tell him all the time to sort it out, that’s all I ask- but he just can’t do it. He leaves his stuff in the bathroom, in other places in the bedroom/ on the bed/ on the floor. It’s so frustrating.

I asked him to sort it out and he started having a go at me, saying everything is a mess anyway and leave him alone, he’s trying to relax etc. the usual.

it really pissed me off. I did a lot of sorting clothes today and laundry etc and then told him to make the kids their lunch, which was just some pasta ( I had made the sauce earlier ). And he just seemed totally annoyed by it. Basically he’s been annoyed all day that we have spent a bit of time that he wasn’t able to just chill most of the day.

before anyone says he needs a new job etc- it’s just not an option right now. It just is what it is.

anyway I kind of dread the weekends. There is just no get up and go from him. Sometimes I’m also tried and just wish he was more up for doing stuff or just getting out. It’s mostly me and the kids and it’s tiring for me. My health isn’t the best either so I can’t manage THAT much.

anyway it’s ridiculous that a grown man can’t put his washing in the basket ? Of course it is. The fact be wants some downtime is understandable, but difficult sometimes for family life.

Mines the same (not a husband) and we dont have small children. Same working pattern because he cant get a job nearer (no qualifications, probably dyslexic, near to retirement, etc)

I get 'Im tired' as excuses. We do have rows about it, Im not tolerating it. Im a broken record. Ive said it as clear as day that Im not your mother, Im not a maid, you're not entitled to act this way blah blah blah

Things are slightly better than they used to be.

No way to live for him having days which are that long - what’s the point? In turn, that’s impacting your life too. YANBU

He needs to understand that he is a husband and father and that includes family time. Ask him if he'd be okay to commit Saturday morning-afternoons with kids and family time and he can have Saturday evenings to himself, where possible, and Sundays.

If he says no, tell him he's an arsehole and you weren't asking.

@howcanyoube how long is his commute, surely he can sleep during this time?

Yes the washing is ridiculous.

his length of day sounds brutal. Can anything be done with overnight stays?

The pair of you can’t really both go upstairs to watch tv and chill with a 4 and 6 yo… - who’s looking after them?

Sounds like an agreement over what weekends need to look like eg Saturday he can stay in bed til 12 then it’s family time til 4, he can nap then do tea and bath and bedtime- or whatever works for you both but agree what’s reasonable in advance.

Exactly the same for us. We both work full time and it’s remained 50/50 throughout, mine are 17 and 15 now.

My DH feels guilty if he’s slept until lunch at the weekend (I don’t!) and left me to get on with it. I think he forgets our teenagers are doing exactly the same!

When they were little though, I worked part-time and the only time I was ever out with the kids on my own was if DH was at work. Otherwise, it was done without thought that we were both going.

If you had a real choice between working part time, carrying most of the domestic load and childcare load, and the impact on your pension and spending power

vs.

working full time, and decompressing at the weekends while your family and domestic chores are taken care of, by the dc’s loving parent

which would you choose op?

Are those hours actually necessary? He wouldn’t be the first man to be using work to avoid being around family.

Can he just do his own laundry?

You’re both knackered. Is there any way you can both take a day off before the kids break up from school?

take a day to reconnect and lay your cards on the table about how this is impacting the whole family. He’s in danger of burnout and losing your marriage. The kids are going to grow up distant from him.

you need to work out a way that he can rest and also prioritise family time. A structured weekend plan if necessary.

and the laundry situation is disrespectful to you.

i strongly feel that you need to be away from home and not tired when you have this convo. Otherwise you’ll both be too tired to hear each other and work out a fair compromise.

My husband leaves the house at 05.30, but he gets to school for 18.00 to do pick up (so a shorter day than your husband). I do breakfast club at 07.45 and get back home around 1830. Children similar age.

We split the washing (basically whoever gets to it first, but it works out evenly), we have a cleaner once a week, we share school/medical admin. I do financial admin, shopping (online), he picks up bread/salad/fresh food required ad hoc, I cook, he cleans up. He does all bedtimes. He does sports clubs at the weekend, we share birthday parties. Weekends are generally spent doing family things or seeing friends, etc. We try and give each other a bit of a lie in, but my husband is so used to getting up early I generally get the lie in!

I think your husband’s hours are too long for him to cope with. Some people can do it, others can’t. Or, he just doesn’t want to engage in family life. Our lives are busy, but we feel we have a great balance and lots of chill time at the weekend as a family, definitely lots of quality time. Would he change if he did fewer hours? What’s he like when he’s on holiday?

I agree with Seasidewalker. I put working long hours, working away from home during the week and being on the road a lot down as the reasons for my excessive tiredness and lack of energy. I was sleeping through alarm clocks on the weekend and not waking up until gone 3pm on Saturdays and Sundays. It wasn’t until I started experiencing other issues including developing a whopper of an abscess that I was sent for blood tests. Turned out I had Type 2 Diabetes. It really is worth your DH getting a health check.

My Diabetes may well have been present before I worked away but I think being away from home and living out of a suitcase lifestyle 5 days out of 7 brought it on.

If I’m honest, I don’t think it’s a sustainable way to live. Health issues forced my hand in the end. When I was growing up there was a family on our street, whose Dad worked away. He only came home a few times a year. Apparently it was the same with my Grandfather when Mum was growing up. I think that’s just how things were when a parent worked away back then. It works for some people but I can’t imagine what it would have been like if I’d have been coming home every day and then travelling back to where I was working the following morning,

I am sorry for you all, OP. It sounds like your DH is living to work. You’re not getting quality time together. @beautifuldayforit put it very well: “What’s the point of him working for his family if he doesn’t even see them enjoy his effort? He’s missing out.”

I think you and DH need to have a talk about the future and what other options you could look into. If you carry on as you are, eventually both or one of you will snap. As the children get older, they will want to spend less time with their parents. Your DH and you can’t get that time back.

My DH leaves by 6.30am and gets home around 5.30-6pm. He still does extra work on his laptop in the evening, average 1 hour.
He clears down the kitchen, fills the dishwasher and puts the bins out daily, at weekends he’s either in the garden mowing/weeding, fixing something around the house or visiting his parents and helping them with stuff.
If the kids (teenagers) want lifts here and there he is always happy to oblige. On Friday, as soon as he got home, he drove dd1 and I 45 minutes each way for a prom dress fitting.
When our kids were tiny, I worked evenings and weekends so at those times he was the sole carer for two toddlers born 20 months apart.
I realise my dh is exceptionally helpful. He is an unusual specimen I think. But it’s a useful benchmark to compare.
I would be burnt out too if I was your dh, I sympathise with his long hours, but he has absolutely no excuse for not knowing where dirty laundry goes!

Neither you nor your dh are being unreasonable. Somethings got to give.

You have a four and a six year old and you and your husband are lying in bed watching TV on a weekend?

Stop doing his washing.

I will never understand why men like this wanted kids in the first place. It sounds like he doesnt want to spend any time with them, and they must be aware of that.

My dh was a farmer for the first 10 years of our marriage. He worked from around 5 in the morning until 8 at night, for several years he didn’t have a single full day off even when dd2 was born (a planned csection) he worked until around 10 am then we went off to hospital. It was relentless and hugely damaging to our relationship.

However he still took at least an hour at weekends to take DC and do something with them, he also always put his dirty washing in the laundry basket, he didn’t when we first got together but I told him if it wasn’t in there it wouldn’t be washed!

It does sound like your lifestyle is not sustainable and I’d be planning to change it or you’ll both be very unhappy and so will your dc. My dh got out of farming, it was a huge leap of faith as we set up another business with better hours, but we’ve never regretted it.

now I am working part time for myself. I’m not making as much money but I have a much better balance as everything was just too much before.

Meanwhile, your husband is doing a 75 hour work week. That's 2 full time jobs. Physical, intense work. Anything is too much for him with that kind of schedule.

I think you should be doing the vast majority of the domestic work if he's doing the equivalent of 2 jobs.

But I do think he can do basic things like get his clothes in the hamper and spend time with the kids when he's off.

He might need a physical and blood work.

My husband worked away for a long period and did very long hours, he would fly home on Friday night and leave at 4am Monday I did everything as I was actually there I also worked, on weekends he was fully involved with the children we went out he spent time with them etc. yes of course we chilled but it was in the living room together with the children watching tv having a takeaway.
No he didn’t do much housework but he certainly could manage to put his clothes in the basket

@howcanyoube if he’s awake, he should be downstairs even if that means just loafing on the sofa with the kids running about. They see him. He’s part of their weekend.

Unfortunately, he may have to watch whatever is on the box appropriate for the children, both we’ve all had to suffer that! Plus, once he’s up and watching rubbish TV he may be more inclined to get dressed and go out with you.

At the moment @howcanyoube OP, he’s far too comfortable in his comfy bed watching what he wants to be able to muster up the effort to get up and out. Can you move the TV from the bedroom - accidentally break it perhaps?

I used to leave the house at 7am and get home about 8.30/9pm so not quite as long as your husband's day, but I lived alone so I did everything, all the housework, shopping, cooking, bills, gardening, etc and I often went out after work, and at weekends.

I think he's either unwell in which case he needs to go to the GP, or just lazy and checked out of family life. You need to have a proper talk and find a solution, as it's not ok for him to behave like this.

Yes, This situation isn't fair on anyone. No, he shouldn't be rude to you OP, and your kids deserve time with both parents together, but it really sounds like his health is fading. Mental health/burnout are real.
Speak to family and friends-for a short time at least, you both need help. You can pay it back in the future. If anyone I knew was struggling like this, I'd offer to take the kids out for a bit and make a meal for you all.

Years ago when my DP was an HGV driver with very early starts as well as trying to start his own business on his off days, I found myself in a similar situation. When I reached a similar point to you, I was at breaking point. I had to sit him down and ask what the point of it all was. He was so focused on trying to create a future for our family that he had lost sight of the present. Once I pointed out to him that our children's baby and toddler years were time that he'd never back, he realised that his current effort would be worthless if he had missed out on experiencing their childhood.

We came to an agreement that one weekend would be for him to decompress or work on his business, and the next would be for family time where he would be fully present for the children and I could either join in or have some time for myself, depending on what I needed.

I hope for all of your sakes that he has just lost sight of what he's working for, rather than trying to run away from his responsibilities.

He's not at work 5.30-8.30 5 days a week even with his commute. At best he's going socializing after too. Unless his commute is a 5 hour round trip in which case move closer to his work. I wouldn't even do that, I'd just leave him.

My DH wasn’t out quite that early but he also was away about 100 nights a year. Every weekend he went for a swim at 6am (as he did every day he was home), would come back and take the kids back to the pool for a couple hours. Then the afternoons was fur chilling - kids might have a okay date or party but he watched sport whatever. Sunday we generally we went out and f we weren’t hurting my parents for Sunday lunch. Out to a country pub etc as a family. Later that afternoon he’d spend a couple hours doing paperwork - he liked to match receipts to bank statements and so on. Then dinner bathe the kids then put them to bed.
So even though he had a high pressure job he was still pretty present at weekends. He didn’t do lie ins. You’re working at work, but that doesn’t mean you get time off at home when you have a family.

Earning money does not absolve you from the responsibilities of being a parent or husband, which is a stance that so many men seem to adopt in life and think is 100% acceptable?!
What do you get from this relationship OP? Think about this question long and hard, then provide an honest answer.....

The clothes and washing situation, just stop doing it. If it’s not in the basket it doesn’t get washed. If it’s on the floor, move it (with your foot) to his side of the bed so it doesn’t affect you. After it’s washed put it on a pile on his side of the bed and let him put it away. My DH used to ball up his dirty socks together and put them in the laundry basket, as if I would want to un-roll them for the wash. As I fold/ball clean socks I started to put them in his clean sock drawer… he stopped doing it when he realised his socks were dirty.