Annoyed with Husband’s attitude over laundry and weekends etc

[howcanyoube]

My husband really annoyed me and I want to know if I’m being unreasonable or what’s actually the deal here- objectively.

Let me start by saying, he has a very intense job- physical and long commute. He leaves at 5:30 and won’t get home until 8:30. 5 days a week.

Of course at weekends I always let him have a lie in until whenever he wants. He also retreats a lot back into the bedroom to watch TV and just decompress. Again, I don’t disturb him much really.

He doesn’t really like doing much at the weekend. He likes to rest. We have two kids, 4 and 6. Of course they want to go out, go to the park / playground/ out in the garden/ to parties / activities/ play dates / seeing relatives etc. the usual.

DH will take us out occasionally but basically hates doing child centred stuff and just wants to come home asap when we do go out. Last weekend for example we went for a pub lunch and I said let’s take the kids to the park after and practically had to beg. We did go, but he didn’t want to.

anyway, I do all housework and child related stuff as he’s never here really. He takes care of finances/ mortgages etc.

I used to work full time in a job with travel and office time too but now I am working part time for myself. I’m not making as much money but I have a much better balance as everything was just too much before.

anyway recently at weekends, I’ve just been going upstairs with him to watch TV and also chill. The kids leave us for a short while but then they also want to be up there. So he’s getting less peace I guess. Today I was sorting out a lot of clothes in the bedroom and doing laundry and was asking him what’s dirty and what’s clean because he’s completely unable to put dirty washing in the basket and it’s a constant struggle for me. I tell him all the time to sort it out, that’s all I ask- but he just can’t do it. He leaves his stuff in the bathroom, in other places in the bedroom/ on the bed/ on the floor. It’s so frustrating.

I asked him to sort it out and he started having a go at me, saying everything is a mess anyway and leave him alone, he’s trying to relax etc. the usual.

it really pissed me off. I did a lot of sorting clothes today and laundry etc and then told him to make the kids their lunch, which was just some pasta ( I had made the sauce earlier ). And he just seemed totally annoyed by it. Basically he’s been annoyed all day that we have spent a bit of time that he wasn’t able to just chill most of the day.

before anyone says he needs a new job etc- it’s just not an option right now. It just is what it is.

anyway I kind of dread the weekends. There is just no get up and go from him. Sometimes I’m also tried and just wish he was more up for doing stuff or just getting out. It’s mostly me and the kids and it’s tiring for me. My health isn’t the best either so I can’t manage THAT much.

anyway it’s ridiculous that a grown man can’t put his washing in the basket ? Of course it is. The fact be wants some downtime is understandable, but difficult sometimes for family life.

Your H sounds ill, depressed, and/or entirely checked out of family life (possibly all 3 at once, driving each other).

It’s not ok for him, for you, or for the kids.

Would he be open to a conversation about how unsustainable it is? And that if nothing changes that is not a life you are willing to accept? Has he been a good communicator in the past?

I really feel for you all; but in the meantime he is being a total prick.

Are you sure he's really working those hours? I know plenty of husbands who sit in their office watching Netflix after their day is done to avoid family life.

He sounds like he's opted out. Why did he have children? He obviously doesn't want to spend time with them. It takes a huge level of contempt for your wife to throw your clothes on the floor and expect her to root through them. I wouldn't ever wash his clothes again.

I’m usually very much on the side of the woman on threads like this but those are seriously long work days for your husband OP. He’s doing 75 hour weeks. I would be fit for nothing with those hours.

Now that doesn’t mean he should get to treat you badly (you’re not his skivvy-he can put his washing in the basket), but it sounds like he needs some rest at the weekends. Could you maybe agree that one weekend day is for rest and one is for family time?

and looks like the OP is on duty 24/7, when does she get a bit of time off or at least some help with their children?

She sounds incredibly accommodating and understanding and he sounds like he's taking the absolute piss, can't even drop his clothes in the laundry basket? I mean come on. Is he expecting her to sniff all the clothes he's dropped on the floor to figure out which ones need washing?

On his longest days my DH works (physical job) 5.30am - 5pm then 7.30pm - 10/ 10.30pm. He will sometimes do this 5 days a week & work shifts at weekend. We have a 6yo. I work part time, term time.
I have to say, weekends he is generally active, suggesting stuff to do and taking us on trips out. I let him lie in but occasionally he gets up first & makes breakfast. Yes, he is tired, but we still do stuff as a family, or get jobs done in garden / around house.

He shouldn’t be making extra work for you.

You say he commutes - how? Train, bus or does he drive? If public transport, how long is the journey?

What's the job situation? Is he actually working all those hours? Is there a commute involved? Does he choose to leave early in the morning and hang around when he's finished? Why can't things change with his job??

Any also, its not that he can't put his dirty washing in the wash basket, he just won't

I think either he quits his job, finds something with reasonable hours and you downsize if necessary or you are heading for divorce. You are asking him to do more than is reasonable for any human. You’re both exhausted. Somethings got to give.

He sounds either depressed or burnt out. Those working hours aren’t sustainable.

My DH has always worked these sorts of hours including his commute. The DC didn't see him in the week when small.
But at weekends he was a hands on parent. He didnt do much in the way of housework but was fully involved with his children. Both with me and sometimes without.
And he was able to put his laundry in a basket.
Your DH will have no relationship with his DC, my DH is v sad about how much he missed of the DC's lives growing up. Now they are adults, he remains invovled and his efforts at weekends have led to a good relationship with them.

Does he commute by train or car? I’d train he needs to watch his shows then and not during weekend. If by car he needs to get into podcasts and use that as unwind time. No way he should be not contributing in a weekend. He sounds checked out of family life and doesn’t add anything

Like I said, he shouldn’t be treating her like a skivvy. However, it’s clear that those working hours are unsustainable in the long-term, and if they can’t be changed at the moment then solutions need to be found in the short term. I once started a commuting job where I was out of the house between 5.45am-7.30pm. It’s brutal. I was waking up before 5am and couldn’t switch off after work until late into the evening. My weekends were nonexistent.

All parents are knackered, especially the ones working FT, it isn’t an excuse to spend zero time with your DC… How did he act when you also worked FT? If he was equally unhelpful around the house then it’s nothing to do with his job being full on and him thinking because you only work PT you should take on the lions share.

So you asked for examples of how other husbands behave I’ll happily give you mine. He works a very physical job 8-6pm (out 7:30-6:30) plus is trying to establish his own business so usually another couple of hours in the evening often but not always manual labour. So 13-14 hour days Monday to Friday plus ad hoc jobs some Saturday mornings.
He gets home and heads straight into the shower - if he left his shit on the floor for me to run around collecting like a skivvy he’d be running out of clothes very quickly.
sometimes he’ll make dinner sometimes he’ll sit and chat whilst I finish, we all clear up afterwards. If I’m hanging out a wash and it’s getting late I’ll ask him to come and help. We make each other a cuppa and will watch a bit of tv together before bed. If I strip the bed and it needs remaking at bedtime, we just do it together.If he sees full wash basket or some pots to wash, he’ll just crack on and do it as would I. Weekends he might sleep in until 9/10ish but then we usually have a late breakfast together - sometimes I cook, sometimes he does - but basically all just muck in whether it’s cooking, clearing up, diy, or watching a film together. sometimes we do our own thing but not without checking in & if I thought my DH needed or wanted me I would rearrange and vice versa. It’s not about controlling but just basic consideration for your loved ones. I do more around the house because I work shorter hours in a desk job but it feels a fair split especially whilst he’s establishing a new business alongside a ft job. I also have teenage boys who know better than to leave washing on the floor - if it’s not in the basket (with pockets emptied) it’s not getting washed & washing isn’t done until the last lot is put away. I’m not even wasting my time or energy reminding or asking for it as if it’s in the basket I’ll wash it, if it’s not I won’t.

Your husband sounds like a lazy selfish shit who it’s highly unlikely to change unless you give him a very rude awakening or leave.

"I ask- but he just can’t do it."

He can do it - but he doesn't want to.

That's a painful realisation - no wonder you are pissed off.

Long hours/working days doesnt mean you can sort you own laundry, clean a bathroom, put your dirty clothes in the hamper or engage with your family.

He probably thinks your vagina gives you special skills that means you enjoy being treated like his servant.

Normally I would say don’t do his laundry etc etc.

BUT his hours are brutal. You say they won’t change, you can’t move etc. So ask him to keep dirty stuff in one place, then put a basket there. Look at what would happen if you separated (because your marriage will become worse every month this continues). He’s paying the bills, your kids are okay so I’d tolerate for now, but have plans, find out what is the likely outcome if you split, get all the knowledge you can do you’re ready.

What if he gets made redundant next week and gets a much nearer job with better hours? Stop doing his laundry at that point.

Honestly, at this point, I’d just kick all the clothes he leaves lying all over the place to his side of the bed. Everyday. And not to touch it otherwise. Don’t even try and work out if it’s clean or dirty. If it’s lying about it gets kicked to his side of the bed, where he gets in, every single day before he gets home. You shouldn’t have to even do that but at least if it’s in one inconvenient pile in a place that isn’t in your way then you can just ignore it. When he asks if whatever is clean just answer “I don’t know, is it?” Maybe some would say it’s a bit PA but fuck that, it’s the least amount of hassle for you atm. And don’t give in and end up chucking any of his stuff in, no matter how big the pile gets. I’d just get into a daily habit of kicking it all back there when you get up actually so you don’t have to think about it all day.

My response is just to echo what others have said. Sure he's got a tiring job, long commute but that doesn't mean he gets every Friday evening to Sunday night to rest and do nothing. You've made yourself into his maid and the DC are essentially fatherless if he spend no quality time with them, unless you are also there to parent. A line needs to be drawn (other pp have made good suggestions). I'd just ask this - if you were ill in hospital, would he step up so you'd know that you'd be returning to the same home (cleaning, kids organisation etc) upon leaving hospital? I think you know in your gut if he's already checked out of the relationship and family and your posts tell their own tale. Sorry OP, but you deserve better, and so do the children.

My teenagers were like this so I stopped doing their laundry. Just give him a heads up that from this point onwards only dirty clothes that are in the laundry bin get washed, then you can't be accused of nagging. Then stick to it.
If his clothes are in the bathroom leave them if they are on bed leave them, if they are on the floor....yep you guessed it leave them.
You are not his mother. If he wants his clothes washed then HE needs to put them in the laundry basket.

But to be honest apart from money, how is he making your life better? You are literally a single parent already. How is he helping you? When do you get down time to relax?

He needs to ditch that job. 15 hrs per day is exhausting. The only people I know with those hours also don't contribute to family life but do earn enough to pay for an army of home help.

If you think that he can't change jobs atm, then you just have to suck it up until he can.

I do all the laundry in my house of 4. TBH it's just easier for me to manage it as I wfh.
There are rules which apply to all family members.
No screens if there is dirty laundry on the floor or clean laundry not put away.
I only wash what is in laundry baskets.
If I have to pick up laundry - clean or dirty - it's going on that persons desk and is not being sorted by me.