AIBU to feel let down that DH took the children to visit following his idea of NC

[Coldjunedays]

AIBU to feel let down again by this. So about nearly a year ago now, DH fell out with his sister and mother, a case of his DS quite obviously feeding a lot of rubish into their mothers head about DH and myself. It escalated to the point DH sister physically attacked him. From that point we decided his DS would have no contact with us or our children. This of course did not go down well with his DM and I of course was the one they blamed!! Apparently DH is “under the thumb” i was a “nasty one” i was accused of “getting what i wanted now” and a whole load of other crazy accusations, so following this we went no contact with his DM as well. Recently however i have found out from my eldest that DH has been taking them round to visit. This happened the first time and I asked DH that i thought we’d agreed to keep the kids out of things until his mother and sister could face up to things and have a decent adult convo to sort things out (Im not trying again as we have tried to have a convo before to sort things out and i was sworn out shouted at etc) and he said it wouldnt happen again and would have a word with his DM about sorting things. Just this morning however DH took the kids out for a while and eldest came back and told me that DH has “forced” them to go in to see their grandmother. I feel like DH just wants me to forget absolutely everything theyve done for a easy life!! Im usually such a forgiving person and let things slide and slide and slide, but this time i cant.

Girl yabu kindly

Your man seems weak, but you will be the one who comes off as controlling here

So he's feeding into their narrative that you are responsible? He is prioritising them ahead of you and your children. How dare he abuse your children by forcing them to visit his mother and sister. The sister who physically assaulted him. Did the assault happen in front of the children?

You need to have a very serious conversation with him and tell him his visits are not acceptable. In your situation this would be a line in the sand for me. The priority is the children, their safety and well being. He is not putting his children first.

YANBU to feel you've been let down, because you have.

he would be told very clearly that he can do what he wants (without the lying) but if he takes the children again I would be divorcing him.

First thing i said to him this morning was hes making me look and feel like im being unreasonable and im the one behind this all, when all ive done is try to keep them away from us until they can act right! My eldest was there, he said that his aunt had “grabbed him and shoved him into another room” so that she could continue her screaming at DH. I was livid at DH for this at the time for not taking our son and walking away!

He is the allowing the fiction that you are to blame for the rift with your in-laws to be the accepted narrative, even though his own sister physically attacked him. They are not safe people to be around your children.

He is dishonest and disloyal. He is putting his children in danger and keeps lying to you. This would be marriage ending for me. He is prioritising his mum and sister above you.

Did DH fully agree to go NC? Did you suggest it or him?

He did “fuck them, no more” and we agreed together. Those words paled into insignificance

I’m not sure I understand your original post.
Husband’s child was talking shit about you and his father ( your husband) to his grandmother ( husbands mum).

This escalated and your husbands sister attacked your husband.
This resulted in your husband going ‘no contact’ with his mum and HIS CHILD.
You have since found out your husband takes YOUR children to see his mum/ their grandmother. Is this right?

So, does your husband see his child? How old is that child?

So he made a decision,took a hard line, let you take the blame for it and now he’s doing a “prodigal son returns “ routine? Prick.

Do the kids want to continue a relationship with the relatives? Do they badmouth you in front of them?

DS stands for “dear” sister in this case.

Eldest is old enough to see through them and doesn’t care very much for them. Youngest is too little to understand. Eldest has told me that hes noticed several times they have tried painting me in a bad light to them and suggesting barious thing. The sister is very manipulative so im glad hes picked up on this and could tell me.

This is not acceptable @Coldjunedays . Your children must be the priority, he is not protecting them. TBH I would be less concerned about my position but very concerned about what is being done to the children.
He allowed your son to be physically abused by his aunt ' she grabbed him and forced him into another room' while she continued to abuse her brother. I would not only be preventing the children from ever visiting again I would be informing the police!
You need to take this seriously. Having read your update I would be re-evaluating my relationship. He not only allowed abuse but forced the children to return to the abusers. Jesus wept.

He can start seeing them but leave the kids at home with you.

im very LC and NC with my family. It’s unbearable at times, the sadness and grief that comes with it. Three years since I r seen any of them and eight years since it was ok. Very hard, so I assume your DH is struggling with the feelings.

Why does mumsnet nit have a consistent, coherent, set of abbreviations? Dsis vs DS(son) would do it.

Also I would suggest OP that you look for s book titled “Adult Children if the Emotionally Immature” and if you ghink alcohol is involved look up ACOA trauma and conflict (this stands for Adult Children Of Alcoholics.

The reason is you will find your DH’s ricketing between courage (“cut them off!” )And cowardice (“I couldn’t refuse to see them”) in these books. Your dh is in a traumatic, abusive, relationship with his mother and sister snd he can manage to express anger and independence only away from them. When they pull him back he subsides into fawning.

This is going to be a long process of disengagement. Cut them off from you and the children and let him suffer alone when he goes to see them.

First thing i said to him this morning was hes making me look and feel like im being unreasonable and im the one behind this all, when all ive done is try to keep them away from us until they can act right!

If it's you wanting keep no contact while he wants to see them, then it IS you behind it all. It's his family, he has a right to want to see them. If he goes and you kick off, then you are responsible and you are being controlling.

You can argue about him bringing the kids, particularly if they don't want to go, but your unreasonable to stop him seeing them himself.

You’ve posted this before a while ago haven’t you?

I have never onve stopped him seeing them. I lost my mum, i tell him you only get one mum, but we made a joint decision about OUR children, im their parent also, and i dont want them being exposed to people that have done what they did. We agreeed that they would not be exposed again unless a very serious conversation was had and they could apologies see what they have done and act like adults.

You tell him if he wants to see them, he can. You’ve never stopped him, it was his decision. However, the children will not be exposed to their toxic and chaotic behaviours and their mother being talked about negatively,especially not agains Their will(with the oldest). He is a fully grown man, he can make his own choices, but the children need protecting.

Telling someone with an abusive mother that 'you only get one mum' is horrible, a real kick in the teeth. It puts the onus on the victim to go back for more abuse, shames and guilt trips the victim.

Those of us abused by our mothers are sadly very much aware we get one. Thank god, two of her would have finished me off.

Is your husband having therapy or just expecting you all to tolerate him sneaking around and your kids being manhandled? Sadly you can't prevent him from inflicting his relatives on your kids.

He doesn’t want therapy or anything like that, he wants us all to tolerate it and forget anything ever happened for things to go back to how they were. He doesn’t seem to think that “how things were” also caused no end of stress and upset all the time.

Oh!!

Jesus poor OP can’t win for losing here! If she helps this poor bugger self protect she is accused of isolating him, if she encourages him to maintain some contact she is “kicking him in the teeth.”

This sounds familiar, have you posted about this before?

It sounds like your DH reacted in anger at the time and said he would go NC with his sister and mum. However, the pull of family is strong and he has obviously changed his mind and now feels stuck in the middle between you and them.

If you allow this to come between you and split you up - his family will be delighted and you won't be able to stop your children seeing them when they are with their dad.

You need to sit down with him and have the conversation about how your children feel and that eldest doesn't want to go there. If he wants to have a relationship with his family, he is free to do so but that you don't want your children exposed to their nastiness.

I'd be furious that husband took the children somewhere hostile and they engaged in active conflict when the kids were in the house.
I'd be livid with him.

You need to look up FOG, Fear, Obligation and Guilt and there are toolkits to help break someone out of it. I don't feel like your Dh comes away from seeing his Mum all positive, glad he went. He went because he is stuck in the cycle of FOG, he is worried about the kick off from not seeing her so sees her because of the reaction not the want.

The Relationships Board on here is really good for this sort of thing. My parents continued to take us to see a vicious, vindictive Grandmother and honestly I wished they hadn't. Hearing a Mother criticise their child, our parent, name call them, belittle them was absolutely appalling.

Your Dh needs to step back and see that you are meant to keep awful people away from your children and yourself. The issue here is he sees them because he is related to them, not because he wants to. Look up FOG and help him unpack it.

I had to do this with my SIL whose Mother was awful, it took her quite a while to realise her Mother was a narcissist. This is the home she was raised in, her aunts are the same too. To her it was normal for a parent to scream in your face one second and then offer you tea and cake the next.