to be sick of grown adults acting like we’re in high school?

[monstrothewhale]

I was recently chatting to a ‘friend’ who loves to tell me all of the other things she’s been doing with mutual friends - highlighting that I haven’t been included in these plans. When we are often together they all also love to have ‘in’ conversations that stem from their recent meet ups that I don’t know about, and again they’re all very “ooh remember when we had lunch yesterday and said this” as if trying to show off that they did something I wasn’t there for.

The final straw for me was one of these friends saying “I’m sure you know all about xyz” and then I said no she went on about how surprised she was as everyone else knew and was involved.

All of this has just got me feeling like I’m 14 years old again, sat at a table full of people who seem to enjoy leaving me out!

I’m just so sick of these fake friends who are grown adults and still act like children.

I will admit that I am sensitive (likely linked to the aforementioned issues in school!) so I’d like to know aibu to be fed up of this behaviour? I feel like telling them they’re all being nasty for no reason!

If you’re feeling like this there’s a reason. I’ve started trying to trust my gut after years of trying to please those who seem to make their life’s work all about keeping themselves up by making others feel insecure. Start just saying you’re rushing off if you get into conversation and then make an exit. ‘So much to do’ ‘Crikey is that the time?’ ‘must go’ etc. Then also for the winter get a coat with a big F off hood 😆 I love mine for avoiding. I’m not in a clique of mums. I never wanted in one or on WhatsApp for lots of reasons. My son misses out but he seems ok and unaware of a the get togethers, birthday parties etc. Apart from one mum, who on a night out where I was the outsider, actually arrived and closed the circle of mums on me, everyone else is ok. By removing yourself from the situation, you’re always in control. Then all of a sudden that person will have lost a hold of you. To note, that one mum a few weeks ago had approached while I talking to a friend, looked me up and down and cut across the conversation completely. I took it as a cue to leave, hugged my friend and left.

You’re the scape goat of the group. LEaVE you deserve more 🩷

OP when you do see them have they incited you or is that self-invited?

Why exactly are you friends with them? Have they got any redeeming qualities? Focus on this.

Personally life’s too short for people like this.

I’d back off, don’t arrange anything. Go if they invite you and it suits you x

These are not your friends. You may have known these ladies for years but it is time to break ties. There doesn’t need to be a dramatic falling out, just stop meeting up and mute any messaging apps. You mention you have a best friend outside of this group. Spend time with her, perhaps you can both get a new hobby which will allow you to expand your social circle.

If you don’t change something then nothing will change. You can’t make them nicer people, you can only change what you do.

Next time they are telling you something to hurt you, ask them “what ARE you doing?”

They will be all “what do you mean?”

Carry on with “seriously, what are you doing, what is this?”

They will be confused a say something like “I was just talking about the what happened at lunch last week?”

The look them in the eye and say “why? Why are you telling me about lunch last week?”

Whatever they say next look at them, roll your eyes/shake your head and walk away without saying anything more.

With people like this, if you make fair accusations towards them they will gaslight you and try to suggest you’re sensitive and they are being normal. Don’t start a heartfelt intervention over this.

The fact is, they are telling you stuff you don’t need to know, so it’s fair to ask what they are doing, why they are telling you this stuff. They won’t tell you the real reason, maybe they aren’t consciously aware of it themselves. But acting like whatever they say is an unlikely answer with a head shake, but not getting into drama, shows that you are onto them but are above it. Think Miranda in Devil Wears Prada

I think you need to take control of the situation, when people show you who they are then believe them. You can't really change them. Either - let it wash over you, so they see each other at different times and want to talk about it - who cares, it happens and groups don't all always hang out together. Or, call it out and tell them it is upsetting you Or it bothers you, theyre still doing it, so stop hanging out with them.

You can't control their behaviour, only what you do about it. If you stop seeing them, you'd have time to pick up a new hobby or class to meet some new people etc. Generally speaking, most people just don't think about other people very much, they mainly think about themselves. So the idea they genuinely go "oh let's have lunch, not invite OP and then we can bring it up in front of her tomorrow at drinks" seems unlikely to me, it seems more likely they forget to invite you and are a bit insensitive so discuss it around you. It wouldn't bother me at all, people do hang out together without me and tell me the gossip when they see me - I think that's fairly normal. However, if you feel it's mean or don't like it then change things.

It’s probably not even intentional. For more people than you realise secondary school is when they reach their peak intellectual and emotional level. Some just get ‘stuck’ there. If ever I identify this in someone I tend to distance myself.

Do you actually like any of the people in the group? Or is it a group that you've just ended up in a new place and then stick with for a social life?

If the answer, is, 'no not really' then back away. It doens't have to be dramatic, just ease up on the meet ups and don't be too quick to say yes. Then use the time gained to experiment with classes/hobbies etc to try and build up some genuine friends. This can take some time, but it does work. Maybe also book in some visits to the friends who live further way to boost you in the meantime.

If you genuinely like any of them individually and - choose carefully here, avoid flakey inconsistent people - then try and build the one on one relationships and worry less about the group. Again, patience might be needed, it takes time to make an old friend.

I do hear you. I struggled in adolesence, fared better at uni and later on, but those early teen years left a strong imprint. I was particularly sensitive about group dynamics, but at the same time too ready to attach myself to groups just to have a sense of belonging to something.

It's also quite hard in your 20s in some ways. It can feel like people expect you to be off living your best life with your gang, but if you're in a new place, friends are dispersed, plus some settling down/other not yet, it's not always that straightforward.

Give your younger self a hug and reassure her, think carefully about this group (as above), be ready to experiment with new hobbies/meet-ups, and make peace with the worst case scenario. So, think about what your main worry is of not being in the group. E.g. weekends with no plans and feeling lonely, what else can you do with the time? If you can tackle that you'll be less inclined to hang onto a group that isn't good for you.

Good luck!

They are enjoying it.
Steer clear of them. As others have said, they really are not your friends.
And it is very juvenile behaviour yes.

What’s weird is that it seems to matter to her that you know she’s done these things. I should make it clear that YDGIF then grey rock her.

Laugh at her and say “how old are you?!!” “Jeez grow up!”

Trust me, you need to step away from this group. It won’t change. You’re not imagining it, believe your gut instinct when it comes to how people speak to you and how they are around you. There are women out there that I think enjoy leaving people out and making them aware of it. They might’ve been jealous of you at some point and it’s a control/power thing. Who knows the reason, but it’s affecting your self esteem, so I’d just leave them to it personally. You don’t need them in your life.

This friendship group is not making you happy so why are you persevering with it? Life is too short. I’d rather be on my own than feel “less than” every time we meet up.

Thank you for this very kind comment. I think you’re right on the second suggestion that I’ve just ended up floating with them. I think I do need to just take a step back and try to find time to focus on other things that do bring me some joy