To not turn off sleep mode?

[HelpMySocksAreTouchingMe]

A few nights ago my husband and I were looking at something on my phone and he got in a mood saying I had turned on sleep mode. He said I must have turned it on to prevent notifications popping up so therefore I must have something to hide.

My sleep mode comes in automatically, I had always presumed it came on at 9 but this was a five to 9. I haven’t set it to come on, it’s just something it does it’s self and I just assumed 9 because I know it’s always on after that but never noticed the exact time.

Do the next couple of nights I made a point of noticing and telling DH - oh look sleep mode has come on. (It seems to be quite random any time between 8.45 and 9)

So last night again we are both looking at my phone, he wants a new car so we were on auto trader, sleep mode activated again and I said, oh sleep mode has just come on.

A few minutes later he turns his back to me, I carry on looking at cars, try to show him a few and he says I’m not looking at your phone, you clearly have something to hide because you didn’t turn sleep mode off.

It didn’t occur to me to turn it off.

He says I must see how it looks but it genuinely didn’t occur to me to turn it off, he was sat next to me with it off prior to it coming on by itself, at a random time so anything I wanted to hide could have come through at that time anyway. I have nothing to hide hence no, I didn’t think how it looks.

So AIBU?

YABU You should have turned sleep mode off.

YANBU You were fine to leave it on.

That would be a joke? Lighthearted my husband does something I don’t agree with but not a big deal. I started the next bit with “seriously” to give a clue 😆

YANBU. I have sleep mode on every night from 10pm and when I’m at home and the group chat is popping off for whatever reason, I put it on then too as I don’t want to be disturbed. Why is your DH so paranoid? Has HE got something to hide?

Your husband is nuts. And if he equates sleep mode on a phone to being deceitful rather than accepting the purpose for which it is intended, then perhaps he is the one with something to hide!

Has he always been weird or is this a recent personality change?

My android phone automatically activates sleep mode when I put it to charge after 10pm. and it never makes notification sounds at all - it's permanently on silent/vibrate, and no Teams notifications at all (even silent ones) outside work hours.

So, this isn't an android thing. Any phone now, iPhone or Android, will have tons of settings for all this stuff.

Sorry, been busy at work.

I just want to clarify, it’s not sleep mode in general that he has an issue with, it’s the fact that I didn’t turn it off at the time we were both looking at my phone.

So he did accept that it comes on automatically and it doesn’t bother him that it’s on when we are in bed or whatever. He thinks that when it came on last night, whilst we were in the middle of looking at cars, I should have switched it back off until we were done.

So when a women on here thinks her husband is having an affair, it means it’s the woman having the affair…?

He sounds bonkers!

Sleep mode is to protect your sleep surely? And it’s healthy to prevent notifications for a while before you go to bed so you can wind down.

He actually sounds controlling as well as bonkers.

WTF!! he’s being an absolute dick and I’d be concerned that he’s projecting and he has something to hide so assumes you have too!
I always have sleep mode on at night so it’s not lighting up and disturbing my sleep! You can alter the times that it comes on in settings. Mine comes on at 10pm and goes off at 6 or 7 I can’t remember which but I know it’s earlier this get up in case anyone messages in sick at work.

The whole thing feels odd. He's being weird, but I'd probably make a point of turning off sleep mode if he's trying to make it into something it's not. Strange that he only cares when you're both looking at your phone, though. Would he not hear/see you reacting to 'unusual' notifications popping up at other times, if you were doing something shady? Is he always suspicious of you? I'd want to address it with him.

As an aside, I've never heard of sleep mode coming on unpredictably, but I have an android phone. Surely that would be very inconvenient, to never know the schedule. It should be possible to set it, if you care to.

That’s really weird to me. Why does he want to read your notifications. Obviously it’s controlling

What a knob

I don’t understand this at all. Why would you turn it off? What difference does he think it makes?

I’ve always had sleep mode from 7pm, the phone switches from light mode to dark and the blue light turns yellow.
My partner has never thought I might be hiding something, I would think he’d lost the plot if he did!

Agree. I dont have a partner but that isnt the point - my friends tell me personal things, their problems, their worries...

... none of that would be my partner's business. I dont have a right to kmow about my (hypothetical) partner's friends' personal problems either.

Did it occur to the husband that even if she HAD silenced the notifications while they were both looking, it could be to protect her friends' privacy?

He is bonkers.

This is still mental behaviour.

I’m not bothered about changing the settings, it doesn’t cause me any inconvenience, it’s evening, my kids are at home with me, there is nothing urgent that I would need a notification to come through.

He always jumps to worst conclusions so just yet another example of his paranoia.

Thanks for the replies. I was right in how I felt about it so I will continue to stand my ground.

What the hell business is it of his what mode you have your phone set to?

Wtf. I have sleep mode on and my dh has never mentioned it. Is he always this weird & controlling?

Dude needs therapy.

I had a very controlling and abusive ex one time and it started out with him nit picking small, innocent things like this and make me feel crazy before slowly escalating to full scale control and isolation. Watch out for patterns.

Also he might be accusing you of what he's doing if he has a guilty conscience!

Or it might be none of the above and he's just being a twat 😂

eh your follow up comment suggests it's less strange (I actually hate trying to look at my phone when sleep mode is on, because it dims the screen and changes it to B&W. Android though) as it's not a weird blanket aversion.

However, his leap to "you must be cheating" is very telling, because I don't think the average person equates sleep mode with cheating. I think someone who tends to naturally think duplicitously, or is a cheater themselves, would be more the sort to think that.

No I'm not saying he's a cheater, but it's not the reaction of a rational human.

You know the ones who complain the most are guilty of that behaviour, right?

But a notification would still show on your phone screen. It just doesnt ring/vibrate

How ridiculous. I often put mine in sleep mode to stop the annoying notifications but it wouldn't occur to DH to start accusing me of anything. Is he always this needy?

This is seriously weird. Mine comes on at 11pm every night. He’s very defensive; something to hide?